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Sensitive feedback!

I am sure that there was a more sensitive way of giving me feedback than that employed by T yesterday evening, when she reminded me that I had recently borrowed a book from the local library and that "...it obviously didn't work".

Unsure what she was talking (and still clearly suffering from an overdose of barley) I let her explain. Now, whilst I am not admitting that the book was actually borrowed for me, I will - in the interest of fairness to all other beings whom I have maligned over the previous 10 months or so - let the evidence speak for itself!

Yesterday's date: 26 March 2007

Library book return date: -



The book: -



Now my only real consolation was that the book was actually borrowed on T's library card, and as she was in town today she had to take it back to the library.

The opportunity for ridicule on the part of the librarian was fairly high. But when T returned the book with the comment "Spot the irony?", the librarian indicated that this was not unusual and that the library's official response was the same as when borrowers of the book "How to manage your finances better" returned their book late.

That being - "That will be a 60p fine please" - Talk about rubbing it in!

Clock Botchers

For really getting one's small hands in a twist, it's impossible to beat Expedia's ad in today's Metro. The ad read: -

"The clocks go forward this Sunday. Do something inspirational with your extra
hour!"

...and we let them plan our holidays?

The Grudge Match

In 1996 I took Moog to his first rugby match at Twickenham - The Pilkington Cup Final between Bath & Leicester. In a close, tense match it was decided when the referee, Steve Lander awarded Bath a penalty try, which took them into the lead with minutes to spare.

Today we went to Leicester to see the re-match some 10+ years later, with the original players - some fit, some fat - and in an entertaining fixture played in wind, rain and snow - Leicester won 45 - 15.

Memory loss and the "black stuff"

This afternoon, I made two amazing scientific discoveries. Firstly, I managed to establish a causal link between memory loss and barley; Secondly, I was able to establish that a pint of Guinness can count as one of your 5 daily portions of fruit or vegetables.

These discoveries both occurred in O'Neill's bar in the centre of Dublin where Nigel & I decided to shelter from the rain (well it might have rained if we'd stayed there long enough!), whilst watching Ireland narrowly beat Scotland in the Six Nations Rugby. It was sometime after the fifth pint of Guinness (made from malted barley) that "the girls" reappeared claiming that we were meant to have phoned them much earlier in the afternoon to arrange to meet up. I had completely forgotten, which must have been as a result of the barley.

It was some time during the afternoon drinking session that I also discovered that a pint of Guinness has less calories than a pint of orange juice (210 versus 220 calories). Therefore, apart from inducing memory loss, Guinness is less fattening than oranges and therefore better for you. That afternoon I was therefore able to consume the equivalent of my 5 portions of fruit all in the space of two and a half hours!!!

The world's most expensive pint of Guinness

Today was our first full day in Dublin, and in order to make the most of our short visit we decided to visit the cultural sites of the city.

Given the history of the city, the choice was immense. Art galleries? University? Dublin Castle?

All of the above would have been good, but in the end we chose the Guinness Factory, with its (self?) guided tour. The cultural significance of the factory and the pivotal role that it played in providing meaningful employment to workers scratching a living following the famine in the early 20th century didn't figure 'one jot' in our decision, BUT the fact that the 14 Euro admission price included a free glass of Guinness did.

Our tour guide had advised us to head immediately for the seventh floor bar where the free beer was served and which also gave a great panoramic view over the city.

The view was great, as was the beer. In fact the beer was so good that we fancied another and so had to head to the fifth floor bar and restaurant where we enjoyed lunch and another Guinness.

The lunch was good, as was the second pint and with time passing by we decided that we should continue our tour of the fair city.

It was later in the day that I realised that there were certain elements of our factory "visit" that hadn't quite been as planned. In effect the first pint of Guinness had cost 14 Euros and the combination of the words 'tour', 'Guinness' and 'free', were more appropriately ordered 'tour-free' and 'Guinness'. To be sure, to be sure.....

Aesop, Chaucer et al

Having recently brought into question the work of Aesop, it now appears that Chaucer's advice that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones (which I have traced back to Chaucer's 'Troilus and Criseyde' in 1385 and which the 'slow-witted' Benjamin Franklin copied 350 years later when he wrote, 'Don't throw stones at your neighbors', if your own windows are glass.') has been denounced by the EU Health & Safety Inspectorate.

This follows an incident in Turkey yesterday when a five-storey block of flats collapsed in Istanbul, where many residents' lives were saved by the shop owner of a coffee shop in the building's basement alerting them of the impending tragedy by throwing pebbles at their windows!

HELLO Mr Chaucer! What do you say now?

A train full of wimps!

This morning I overheard a fellow commuter on the 6.35 train to London call a loved one on her mobile and say “...I'm dying...I've got a cold. If my company paid sick pay I'd have taken a few days to get over it! I'm not eating or anything....still smoking...but not eating.!”

Now, whilst it is clear that I am not medically trained (although this would presumably be a mere formality as I know all the medical terms from watching Casualty, Holby City, ER and House) I don't think that you can die from a cold. (That is unless you are a different type of bird and were one of the 160,000 chickens slaughtered seconds after being lulled into a false sense of security by hearing Bernard Matthews proclaiming over the tannoy that they were all “...bootiful”.)

Also, whilst the aforementioned dying woman sniffed a few times, she did not sneeze or blow her nose throughout the journey. Her symptoms were also not obvious to her “loved one” as she had to tell him/her therefore my advice to her would have been: -

1. Don't exaggerate your symptoms to get time off work,
2. Give up smoking,
3. Find someone new in your life who will notice when you are pretending to be ill,
4. Find somewhere else to sit on the train where your conversation won't be listened into

The cloak of invisibility

Today we took advantage of the fact that LLBB was home to celebrate her 22nd Birthday with her a few days early before she went back to academia in Cambridge.

These celebrations included the traditional cards, presents, cake and a family meal out together, which - apart from the small matter of the meal making LLBB feel sick ahead of her 3 hour train journey - was a great success.

This family harmony was almost ruined by yours truly even before the celebrations had begun. Having gone out to buy a suitable (Barbie? Cow? Chocolate Caterpillar or Party?) cake, I left T to wrap up the large and numerous presents with the small amount of wrapping paper that I had bought the day before.

Now, little did I know that all of the time I had been away T had been looking for one item, one item that was essential in the wrapping process in addition to the paper, and that with time running out had caused more and more (understandable)frustration to her.

As I said, little did I know about this “present wrapping turmoil”! So it was that as I returned with the cake, I was met at the door by T who asked “...have you seen the invisible tape?!!!”

I consider my response to have been a learning experience. It is clear that I should have sought more information prior to responding. Clearly my response - "...If it's invisible, how could I POSSIBLY have seen it?" was possible not - with hindsight- the most appropriate response I could have made, but thankfully harmony was soon restored.

Snow problem this time

With the year's second snowfall overnight I wanted to make sure that I didn't have to suffer a similar tortuous journey to the one on the 24th January. Additionally, given that I am about to use up some of last year's annual leave by having a "long weekend", the prospect of a five day (rather than four) break, seemed quite appealing.

Now being an honest individual I didn't want to lie, but whilst the snow had fallen it wasn't more than about an inch thick.

Undaunted, I sent the following message to my boss: -

"Dear Boss,

I am afraid I will not be able to make it into the office today. I opened my front door this morning to find 20 cm of snow outside. I am attaching a photo to prove it to you.

Yours Sussex Blogger, your honest employee."

The curse of Dr Phil and the Removal of Wisdom

Whilst it was as much a shock to me as it will have been to anyone else, it transpired, after many years of denial on my part, that I did have a wisdom tooth! Hurrah!

Shortly after delivering this piece of positive information, all thoughts of me being able to capitalise on this new found potential within (Book deals, promotion, financial success etc) soon vanished as Dr McAverty announced in his soft Scottish burr (somebody told me that Phil was actually Polish but I didn't believe them) “It'll have to coom ooot!”

And so it was that on this day - 6 February 2007 - Dr McAverty created a cavity rather filling (Phil in?) a hole. The whole episode took no more than 30 seconds and was pain free.

On the way home I tested myself to see whether there was any impact on my cognitive skills and numerical and verbal reasoning by the recent reduction in my wisdom enhancing molars. Fortunately, there was no significant change and I remain confident that the quality of my Blog will not be reduced from previous levels.

Or to put it another way....as the dwarf (phonetically pronounced duh-wharf!) said to the limbo-dancer, “...how low can you go?"

“Houston - we have a problem!”

In normal circumstances the story of Lisa Nowak being charged with the attempted murder, attempted kidnapping and three other crimes stemming from what police described as a love triangle, would be somewhat sad, but not that remarkable. Also the fact that neighbours had recently heard “...the sounds of dishes being thrown” in Nowak's home, was possibly an early indication that all was not well in Nowak's life. But then again who hasn't been the thrower (or throwee) of a few plates from time to time?

What is slightly more concerning about the story is the fact that it could quite easily, and literally, have been “out of this world”, and could have taken place on the Space Shuttle.

Nowak, an astronaut, attempted to kill Colleen Shipman, another astronaut who she believed was a rival for the affections of William Oefelein who - wait for it - was also an astronaut.
So imagine the scene - Nowak, Shipman and Oefelein are all aboard Space Shuttle Discovery. After a long period of radio silence, Oefelein communicates with the NASA Space Centre.

“Houston - we have a problem [beep]. I haven't seen Colleen for a while [beep]. Yeah, Lisa's OK, but she appears to have cut herself as she's got some blood on her suit [beep]. Anything else unusual? Well, now you come to mention it, I did hear what sounded like dishes being thrown earlier on [beep]. Is there anything you haven't told me Houston? [BEEP!]....

Leith Hill

Today's visit to Leith Hill clearly showed that it is not only what you see, but from where you see "it", that determines one's perspective of things.

Leith Hill Tower was built in 1765, and at a height in excess of 60 feet achieved what Richard Hull, the builder set out to do, that being to raise the height of the hill (which without the tower is 965 feet high) above the "magic" 1,000 feet mark! The highest point in Southeast England, it offers views as far as St. Paul's Cathedral in London to the north, and the English Channel to the south. Hull was buried beneath the Gothic Tower in 1772; unconfirmed reports claimed that he was interred vertically - head downwards!

The return of King Jonny!

On a day where Jonny Wilkinson returned to English rugby and almost single-handedly won the Calcutta Cup for England, the following (sadly untrue) story is told in his honour.

An aircraft is about to crash !

There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says, "I'm Jonny Wilkinson, the best fly-half in Britain. The English need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Cherie Booth, says, "I am the wife of the self declared saviour of the western world. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics,and apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".

The boy replies"No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

The cooking continues

Just in case you thought I was floundering, this evening's meal consisted of Spaghetti (Ragu) Bolognese, followed by Rich Bread & Butter Pudding.

Whilst not yet able to achieve a Len Goodman "...Sevurhn!", there are definitely signs of improvement.

Apparently next week I am being given the weekend off, although I'm not quite sure what to read into that, especially as I was advised of this shortly after a conversation which included the words "...Do you know if we have any Andrews liver salts?". Ho hum...

Feedback for the feedbacker

Clearly not one to take feedback badly, I thought that I would share with the world an amusing anecdote which, quite unrelated to the feedback, concerns an auditor!

An auditor is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?""That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend many hours trying to find it."

Now somewhat ironically the feedback referred to the fact that there had only been 8 "posts" on this Blog in January, well - HELLO! - I think you'll find that either there have been 12 in the year to date or that somehow I am able to re-write history!! Keep practicing your counting - one sheep, two sheep, three sheep zzz zzz zzz zzz!

A Winter's Tale

After one of the mildest starts to a year since records began, I woke up this morning to snow covered streets and gardens.

The morning drive to the station was a little bit treacherous due to fact that the roads hadn't been gritted or cleared. It is strange that despite the prospect of snow having been “forecast” for some time, it appeared as though this information was either not available to local councils OR it was available and they decided that as it was going to be so cold they would go on holiday.

The trains were no better. A journey that would normally take me 85 minutes took 165! At one point the driver of the train said “...there's a train ahead that's having some difficulty getting over a set of points but I'm hoping that if it does, it'll clear the way for us”; clear the way? This made it sound as if there was three foot of snow on the line not 3 millimetres!

Never let it be said though that the train companies didn't have a plan. They did send trains out to clear the lines in the early hours of the morning. However, why they decided to clear the line out of London first, when all the commuter traffic was needing to go INTO London is a mystery.

Fisherman's Pie

Today's culinary delight (?) was Fisherman's pie, and whilst it was very tasty it lost a few marks for artistic impression. One of my problems was that I had prepared an insufficient amount of mashed potato topping which caused it to slowly sink into the freshly prepared cod, prawn and parsley sauce.

I had hoped that my "creation" would have been on "an even keel", and was initially upset at the outcome, but then I saw this weekend's news about 'MSC Napoli', which had beached off the Devon coast.
I have therefore renamed my "creation" - Fisherman's Napoli Surprise Pie!

Police 'Cold Case' Squad to Investigate Aesop

Follow the story in Tuesday's Blog ('Cardiff gardens declared smallest in the world'), the police have today announced that they are currently investigating Aesop (of the Fable fame!) in relation to potential charges of fraud and deception.

Police say that evidence "...recently uncovered" has raised doubts about the 'Hare and the tortoise' fable, sufficient to seriously question whether the Tortoise could ever beat the Hare, in any circumstances.

Given that the moral of the 'fable in question' was "...slow and steady wins the race", and that it dates back to 650 BC, it would be the ultimate 'oxymoron' if the police do actually disprove it.

If they conclude that a hare would always beat a tortoise in a race, and therefore that actually 'slow and steady' doesn't win the race, doesn't this contradict with the fact that it has taken them nearly 2,700 years to successfully reach this conclusion?

Cardiff gardens declared smallest in the world!

A recent story in the newspaper got me thinking (which is somewhat hard, and always dangerous) although not about the subject of the story but about the size of gardens...

It was reported that a pet tortoise made it as far as 2.9 kilometres away from home in the eight months since going missing - an average of 12 metres a day.

Horace the Herman tortoise was spotted in the middle of a road on the outskirts
of Cardiff by animal welfare inspector Nic de Calis, who then scanned his
microchip and duly returned him to his thrilled owners.
"They were so surprised to receive my call and are delighted that they will be reunited with their long-lost pet," Mr Calis said.
The owner received Horace as a Christmas present about seven years ago. He had been put into the garden - and five minutes later had vanished.?

Given that Horace's average speed was 12 metres a day, in the five minutes it took for him to "...vanish from the garden" he would have travelled 4 centimetres!!! How big was their garden, or how poor was their eyesight?

Weekend visit to the West Country

Following an enjoyable weekend in Yeovil/Ash visiting the 'aged parents' we heading back home along the A303. Stopping first at my "favourite ruin' - Stonehenge, we later hoped to find a country pub where we could have Sunday lunch. Not knowing the area particularly well we were hoping for some sort of "sign" to guide us in the right direction. And then we saw one that was slightly out of of the ordinary. Walking along the verge of the fast moving A303 was a man with a sandwich-board advertising 'The George Inn' at Thruxton.


Given the creativity of advertising approach, we thought that the pub deserved a visit, if only to repay the poor chap's dedication and persistence - although we did think that if they had to resort to such desperate measures then the food might be equally desperate as well.

We were wrong, apparently this was no last ditch attempt to drum up trade, but an approach that had been in existence for 20 years. As for the food....it was in fact great, and well worth a visit.

All clear on the medical front

Given that 48 hours have now passed since the cooking “episode”, with not clear signs of anything untoward in the gastric department, the level of alert has been reduced from 'Possible' to 'Unlikely' and the medical services have been advised accordingly.

If you can't stand the heat...cook Chilli con Carne!

Well, to have achieved one of my annual resolutions by 7 January 2007, can't be too bad.

Less impressive was the fact that by cooking one meal actually constituted “cooking more” than in all of 2006. That is not to say that I hadn't previously prepared meals of a “convenience” type - but these couldn't really be considered to be cooking -a more accurate description would be “heating”.

The first meal was Chili con Carne, made with natural (rather than tinned) products - so the dried kidney beans had to be soaked, the steak diced etc - and it was pretty good. The pudding was even “created”, (comprising of banana, grapes, brown sugar, Greek yogurt, vanilla essence and lemon juice) and seemed to be appreciated.

However, given that this “event” only occurred a couple of hours ago, and food poisoning can take 24 hours to kick in... maybe I shouldn't comment further for a couple of days.

...and the annual Creativity prize goes to....

Having commented some months ago on some amusing (well it was to me!). advertising on the side of lorries and vans, it has to be said that none of them was a funny as the following: -

Seen at the back of the Marks & Spencer store in St Albans, a very large delivery wagon, very dirty after the trip from the warehouse, with the following message finger written on the side:

“This is not just dirt. This is M&S dirt!”

Can elephants write poetry?

I WANDERED lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Whilst the above poem is attributed to William Wordsworth, it appears that even in 1888, (when the aeroplane was still a twinkle in Wilbur & Orville* Wright's eyes), that the technical ability of animals to "float" may have been more widespread than you might think.

We all know that "scientists" has said that bees are too heavy to be able to fly when one compares their body weight to the size of their wings, but what about elephants?

It has recently been scientifically proven that the weight of the average cloud is actually 550 tonnes.

550 tonnes! That is equivalent to the weight of 100 elephants.

Therefore the term 'raining cats and dogs' could soon more aptly be replaced by the term '...its raining a herd of nellies!'

* Was Keith Harris & Orville's 1990 "hit" 'I Wish I Could Fly' actually a cover version of Orville Wright's 1900 classic number?

Time for a rest (again)

One of the worst things about long holidays is the fact that eventually you have to return to work. After the best part of three weeks off over Christmas and New Year, I returned to the office today. however, by 2 o'clock in the afternoon the weeks had already seemed to have been a long one so I decided to to take this Friday off!

New Year's Resolutions - Part 2 & 3

My second and third resolutions this year are once again related to "Food and Language" although not in the same way that Gordon Ramsey is!

Last year I decided that I would lose weight, (ostensibly by eating less food and exercising more) and over the course of the year actually lost fifteen pounds!!

[Waits for cheers and rapturous applause from across the world to stop]

This year I may actually gain weight as I have resolved to cook more - possibly inspired by the valiant efforts and wonderful results of my dear son, (who shall hereafter and henceforth be known as) Moog.

For the non-family members who don't know me so well, "...cooking more" could also be as accurately described as "...cooking", as long as you don't include my previous "signature" dish of Pizza, chips and beans!

Not only did I resolve to cook more I actually went out and bought a cookbook - Delia's Complete Illustrated Cookery Course - at a cost of £12.99. A very good price and easily affordable as I even had change from the fifteen pounds that I had previously lost (see above) but later found down the back of the sofa.

The results of this resolution will be published here as events unfold, as long as we survive!

As for the Language related resolution, last year I tried English but gave up half way through the year so I have decided to lower my sights and attempt Spanish and French!!

New Year's Resolutions - Part 1

This year I have made 3 New Year's resolutions that are similar to those made (and broken) last year, but with a slight twist.

Last year I resolved to visit the Gym at least 4 times a month. At £20 a month it is really very cheap and I am pleased to announce that this is one resolution that I achieved...

...Well I achieved it in January, but then never went near the place for the rest of the year.

Whilst £20 a month is cheap - £60 a visit is less so, and so this year's resolution is to cancel my Gym membership - this should be both achievable and cost effective.

More soon....