Aesop, Chaucer et al

Having recently brought into question the work of Aesop, it now appears that Chaucer's advice that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones (which I have traced back to Chaucer's 'Troilus and Criseyde' in 1385 and which the 'slow-witted' Benjamin Franklin copied 350 years later when he wrote, 'Don't throw stones at your neighbors', if your own windows are glass.') has been denounced by the EU Health & Safety Inspectorate.

This follows an incident in Turkey yesterday when a five-storey block of flats collapsed in Istanbul, where many residents' lives were saved by the shop owner of a coffee shop in the building's basement alerting them of the impending tragedy by throwing pebbles at their windows!

HELLO Mr Chaucer! What do you say now?

A train full of wimps!

This morning I overheard a fellow commuter on the 6.35 train to London call a loved one on her mobile and say “...I'm dying...I've got a cold. If my company paid sick pay I'd have taken a few days to get over it! I'm not eating or anything....still smoking...but not eating.!”

Now, whilst it is clear that I am not medically trained (although this would presumably be a mere formality as I know all the medical terms from watching Casualty, Holby City, ER and House) I don't think that you can die from a cold. (That is unless you are a different type of bird and were one of the 160,000 chickens slaughtered seconds after being lulled into a false sense of security by hearing Bernard Matthews proclaiming over the tannoy that they were all “...bootiful”.)

Also, whilst the aforementioned dying woman sniffed a few times, she did not sneeze or blow her nose throughout the journey. Her symptoms were also not obvious to her “loved one” as she had to tell him/her therefore my advice to her would have been: -

1. Don't exaggerate your symptoms to get time off work,
2. Give up smoking,
3. Find someone new in your life who will notice when you are pretending to be ill,
4. Find somewhere else to sit on the train where your conversation won't be listened into

The cloak of invisibility

Today we took advantage of the fact that LLBB was home to celebrate her 22nd Birthday with her a few days early before she went back to academia in Cambridge.

These celebrations included the traditional cards, presents, cake and a family meal out together, which - apart from the small matter of the meal making LLBB feel sick ahead of her 3 hour train journey - was a great success.

This family harmony was almost ruined by yours truly even before the celebrations had begun. Having gone out to buy a suitable (Barbie? Cow? Chocolate Caterpillar or Party?) cake, I left T to wrap up the large and numerous presents with the small amount of wrapping paper that I had bought the day before.

Now, little did I know that all of the time I had been away T had been looking for one item, one item that was essential in the wrapping process in addition to the paper, and that with time running out had caused more and more (understandable)frustration to her.

As I said, little did I know about this “present wrapping turmoil”! So it was that as I returned with the cake, I was met at the door by T who asked “...have you seen the invisible tape?!!!”

I consider my response to have been a learning experience. It is clear that I should have sought more information prior to responding. Clearly my response - "...If it's invisible, how could I POSSIBLY have seen it?" was possible not - with hindsight- the most appropriate response I could have made, but thankfully harmony was soon restored.

Snow problem this time

With the year's second snowfall overnight I wanted to make sure that I didn't have to suffer a similar tortuous journey to the one on the 24th January. Additionally, given that I am about to use up some of last year's annual leave by having a "long weekend", the prospect of a five day (rather than four) break, seemed quite appealing.

Now being an honest individual I didn't want to lie, but whilst the snow had fallen it wasn't more than about an inch thick.

Undaunted, I sent the following message to my boss: -

"Dear Boss,

I am afraid I will not be able to make it into the office today. I opened my front door this morning to find 20 cm of snow outside. I am attaching a photo to prove it to you.

Yours Sussex Blogger, your honest employee."

The curse of Dr Phil and the Removal of Wisdom

Whilst it was as much a shock to me as it will have been to anyone else, it transpired, after many years of denial on my part, that I did have a wisdom tooth! Hurrah!

Shortly after delivering this piece of positive information, all thoughts of me being able to capitalise on this new found potential within (Book deals, promotion, financial success etc) soon vanished as Dr McAverty announced in his soft Scottish burr (somebody told me that Phil was actually Polish but I didn't believe them) “It'll have to coom ooot!”

And so it was that on this day - 6 February 2007 - Dr McAverty created a cavity rather filling (Phil in?) a hole. The whole episode took no more than 30 seconds and was pain free.

On the way home I tested myself to see whether there was any impact on my cognitive skills and numerical and verbal reasoning by the recent reduction in my wisdom enhancing molars. Fortunately, there was no significant change and I remain confident that the quality of my Blog will not be reduced from previous levels.

Or to put it another way....as the dwarf (phonetically pronounced duh-wharf!) said to the limbo-dancer, “...how low can you go?"

“Houston - we have a problem!”

In normal circumstances the story of Lisa Nowak being charged with the attempted murder, attempted kidnapping and three other crimes stemming from what police described as a love triangle, would be somewhat sad, but not that remarkable. Also the fact that neighbours had recently heard “...the sounds of dishes being thrown” in Nowak's home, was possibly an early indication that all was not well in Nowak's life. But then again who hasn't been the thrower (or throwee) of a few plates from time to time?

What is slightly more concerning about the story is the fact that it could quite easily, and literally, have been “out of this world”, and could have taken place on the Space Shuttle.

Nowak, an astronaut, attempted to kill Colleen Shipman, another astronaut who she believed was a rival for the affections of William Oefelein who - wait for it - was also an astronaut.
So imagine the scene - Nowak, Shipman and Oefelein are all aboard Space Shuttle Discovery. After a long period of radio silence, Oefelein communicates with the NASA Space Centre.

“Houston - we have a problem [beep]. I haven't seen Colleen for a while [beep]. Yeah, Lisa's OK, but she appears to have cut herself as she's got some blood on her suit [beep]. Anything else unusual? Well, now you come to mention it, I did hear what sounded like dishes being thrown earlier on [beep]. Is there anything you haven't told me Houston? [BEEP!]....

Leith Hill

Today's visit to Leith Hill clearly showed that it is not only what you see, but from where you see "it", that determines one's perspective of things.

Leith Hill Tower was built in 1765, and at a height in excess of 60 feet achieved what Richard Hull, the builder set out to do, that being to raise the height of the hill (which without the tower is 965 feet high) above the "magic" 1,000 feet mark! The highest point in Southeast England, it offers views as far as St. Paul's Cathedral in London to the north, and the English Channel to the south. Hull was buried beneath the Gothic Tower in 1772; unconfirmed reports claimed that he was interred vertically - head downwards!

The return of King Jonny!

On a day where Jonny Wilkinson returned to English rugby and almost single-handedly won the Calcutta Cup for England, the following (sadly untrue) story is told in his honour.

An aircraft is about to crash !

There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says, "I'm Jonny Wilkinson, the best fly-half in Britain. The English need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Cherie Booth, says, "I am the wife of the self declared saviour of the western world. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics,and apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".

The boy replies"No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."