A tale (?) of two Hamsters

After last week's horrific crash from which it looked likely that Richard "Hamster" Hammond looked at though he would not survive the night, it is great to report that he was actually able to walk from the helicopter to the ambulance when he transferred from a hospital in Leeds to one in Bristol. He is clearly a "survivor"!

25 years ago, the same could not be said regarding another Hamster.

We had a pet Hamster in our first flat. A flat, which from memory, never experienced temperatures above freezing. (It was supposedly heated by 2 or 3 night storage heaters, but whatever they stored over night it was not heat, or if it was, that heat was never released to the outside world. Thinking about it, they could actually have been the very best "storage" devices ever made.)

Sadly, the Hamster - like Richard Hammond - appeared to be a speed demon as it ran around inside its plastic ball, sometimes crashing into objects with such force that the two halves of the ball fell apart, thereby allowing it to escape for hours on end.

One day, before "Hammy" was a year old, we found him "dead as a proverbial parrot", and regrettably had to bury him in the garden.

Now, when I say "dead", Hammy certainly appeared dead. Unfortunately, what we didn't know was that hamsters can hibernate when there is a sudden change in their environment i.e. sudden temperature drop, lack of water, etc. A hibernating hamster may apparently appear stiff and cold with little evidence of breathing and many owners have assumed a hibernating hamster to be dead at first.

Had we known this we would have been able to follow the recommended advice which is to place them in a warm room or to increase the temperature of the room gradually.

The advice further suggests that the hamster should not be placed near a fire or on a radiator or anywhere in extreme heat, so I guess that putting him in a plastic bag on top of the night storage heater wasn't the best thing that we could have done either.

Two hamsters, two different outcomes. One survived having received the very best medical attention, the other....sadly just had us!!

I look up to them...and they look down on me!

With reference to a previous Blog ("Is there anything worse than coming fourth?) my current position in the Daily Telegraph Fantasy Football League has plummeted to 239,805th!

Now if a podium were created so that all participants in the "League" could take their rightful position, I would clearly be some distance below the person currently in first place.

Whilst there is no standard design or dimensions for such podiums*, if we assume that each level was 20 cm below the previous one, and that each successive level would contain an extra individual to the one before, I would be on the 692nd level at a distance of 14km/9 miles below the winner.

*Clearly I have thoroughly researched this and details can be found in the following link -http://www.aafla.org/SportsLibrary/Olympika/Olympika_1998/olympika0701f.pdf#search=%22medal%20podium%20dimensions%20olympic%22

A global warning!

Unfortunately, Auntie Sheila's visit from the US became somewhat restricted due to the current security restrictions in place. However, we made sure that we visited her in the Guantanamo Bay 'styled' unit where she was staying whilst over here!

It is not quite clear why she has been detained in this way, but it may have been that the security services picked up some of the stories that she has been telling.

One story that may have been "misinterpreted" related to her talking about a future global "threat" that may take place soon.

As with other potential disasters and pandemics - like global warming and bird flu - this "threat" started small, but has grown considerably over the last 40+ years.

Initially restricted to the North Eastern states of the USA, it now transpires that it is about to extend its impact on a global scale.

Soon to hit, China, Brazil and even as far as New Zealand, will anywhere feel safe?

There is no vaccine and no known cure, but very soon Steve Lopiano will be coming to a city near you!!!

The world's fastest hamster?

As TV presenter Richard Hammond fights for his life after a horrific crash in a jet propelled car, travelling at close to 300 mph, tributes appeared at similar speeds all over the internet.

At such times people often think too carefully about the words that they use and consequently don't appear as genuine or as compassionate as I'm sure they really are.

Others don't really care what people think and simply say what they feel. One such individual is Jeremy Clarkson who said that they didn't know whether his friend and co-presenter would live or die, but added that he hoped that they would “...get their hamster (Hammond's affectionate nickname on the show) back soon".

It later transpired that Clarkson had also made “the hamster” smile by telling him that he was a c**p driver!

“...and this year's Ronseal award for plain speaking goes to...”

The downside of "Celebrity"

Having now appeared as an “expert” in THE national daily newspaper in the UK, there appears little left for me to achieve.

Additionally, whereas I could previously stand unnoticed on the station platform, today was noticeably different. All around me I could sense Telegraph readers nudging their travelling companions as they looked in my direction. What started as a single, whispered question from one commuter to another of “...is it HIM?”, soon became a near intolerable caucophony of sound....as the train arrived and everyone (in a vain attempt to show respect to my new celebrity status by treating me as a "normal" commuter) pushed me aside to get one of the few remaining seats on the train.

OK, so no-one actually noticed the article or commented on it!

Apparently anyone quizzing a child today is more likely to hear, “I want to be famous!” as being famous now counts as a career ambition all on its own, partly because as children grow up in a celebrity culture, on first name terms with those who only use one name — Kylie, Posh, Jordan, Madonna, Beckham, Beyoncé — their own aspiration to celebrity increases.

They should however beware, for to misquote a "misquote" in my article, celebrity isn't "...all it's cracked up to be!".

I am pleased to report however that not all schoolchildren have identical ambitions. In conversation with two young, newly graduated teachers on Sunday, one (who to protect her identity shall simply be known as Rachel) recounted a story about an exercise in a primary school in which she was working recently, where pupils were asked to think about what they wanted to be when they grew up.

On asking one young girl what she wanted to be, she replied "...a tooth fairy!". Cute or what?

The Daily Telegraph article

Do you take this goat to be your lawfully wedded wife?

When I was young, I remember my mother using the phrase - “Stop getting on my goat...” Which I was led to believe meant to stop "...getting on her nerves".

However, now I'm not so sure...

Apparently a man in Sudan has been forced to "marry" a goat after the owner caught him in an "intimate" position.

Mr Alifi, the goat's owner, caught Mr Tombe having sex with his goat, and took him to a council of elders.The council ordered Tombe to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50US) to Alifi. Alifi says, "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together."

Mr Alifi, describes the scene, (which actually happened late in the evening of 13 February 2006) saying, "When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up.They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife."

This romantic tale (maybe the goat did actually have a romantic tail!) gives rise to a number of questions: -

• What did that northern saying really mean?
• Was this an early Valentines Day present?
• Was Mr Tombe so ugly that all that he could attract was a goat? (Surely goats in Sudan can't be more attractive that even the least aesthetically pleasing Sudanese woman?
• How did they know how much a dowry for a goat was?
• Is there a list of differing amounts for different animals? If so, where does the goat feature in the top 50?
• What will happen to the kids?

A community project

Spent the day with a four work colleagues (and various offspring!) decorating a Somali nursery in the East End of London.
It was a bit like DIY SOS, only on the TV programme the experts are required at the start of the project, whereas I think we could have done with them after we'd finished!

However, the end result was still a great improvement on what had previously been there - it was now cleaner, brighter, more colourful and safer - even if there are unlikely to be any awards for the quality of the craftmanship.

How shy is Donald Trump?

When we were last in New York, there was little to suggest that DT was the shy and retiring type.

When we were interviewed by a freelance reporter for the New York Times, he was writing a piece about a new restaurant at the top of Trump (not Tmrup or *****) Tower.

DT also has a number of casinos bearing his name, and his face currently appears on billboards all over Time Square promoting the US version of 'The Apprentice'.
I know what he looks like. You know what he looks like. We both know he is about as shy and retiring as Alan Sugar!!

So, when watching an episode of 'The Apprentice' last night, I was again somewhat surprised by what I saw. DT went out and about in a black stretch limo, stopping at the sites where his "apprentices" were working to assess how well they were doing it. He made no attempt to hide his identity. Anybody there at the time would have been aware by the size of the entourage that DT was "in town" and that filming was going on.

So why, when the camera panned round to the front of the limo was the number (or licence) plate pixelated out?

I could guess what it said...'TRUMP 1', or 'TRUMP 2' or.......'TRUMP 46'! But whatever the number I'm pretty sure it would have started with TRUMP!

Know how you fit into the bigger picture

When John Kennedy bumped into a caretaker at NASA and asked him what he did, the man replied "...'helping' to put a man on the moon".

That's a genuinely inspiring story.

And it raises the question: how many of us really understand the vision behind what we do in our working lives?

Incidentally, when the caretaker asked Kennedy what HE was doing there, Kennedy apologised and admitted he'd walked into the ladies toilet by mistake!

Now this story, which is so clearly true, also demonstrates how close (but never close enough) to greatness I have been at times.

It reminds me of when I was invited to attend an interview in London, for a job in Human Resources. The interview was to take place on the first floor of the HO building in London, and I arrived in good time.
As I reached the first floor I decided that I would visit the "restroom" (clearly because I wanted to have a rest!) to make myself comfortable before the interview. On entering the toilet I found an empty cubicle and sat down to....gather my thoughts.
However, as I sat there I heard the sound of a woman's shoes outside, at which point I realised that I was both in the wrong place and also at the wrong time.

To be seen wandering around the ladies toilets is not the best way to start a potential move into a Head Office job in HR!!

Had I been seen I'm not sure that simply telling the above story about Kennedy would have sufficed. Well, I was able to "escape" unseen, (or I think I was unseen!) attend the interview, get the job etc etc.

Now, how do we set about getting a man on Mars?

It's not what you say....or the way that you say it!

Yesterday, as I drove around the south coast listening to the radio, one of the business news items was about the recent decline in profits of the fashion retailer French Connection, blaming the tired "FCUK" campaign for much of this.

Today, I attended a workshop aimed at helping "authors" write content on the internet/intranet.

It was a fairly interesting day, and I hope that my future offerings, of which the attached is an example, will be a lot clearer to you the reader (singular?).

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteres are at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Are these two items connected? Perhaps they are!

Couldn't see the Woods for the trees!

Fantastic news!

Tiger Woods and Colin Montgomerie were in our building in London today, ahead of their attendance at the World Matchplay Championships. Both posed for pictures and autographs and it was a great opportunity to get up close and personal with two of the world's greatest players.

Well it would have been a great opportunity for me had I not spent my morning travelling (or trying to travel) to a conference in Bournemouth - three and a half hours to travel 90 miles!!

See no evil,...or the Law is an ASS!!

Some of you may remember the 1989 film starring Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor, "See no evil, hear no evil", about a deaf man (Wilder) and a blind man (Pryor) who witness a murder.

One scene in the film involves Pryor driving a car, under the direction of Wilder. At one point Wilder remonstrates with Pryor and demands that he "looks" where he's going, to which the "blind" Pryor retorts "OK, if it makes you feel better!".

Well it appears that the scene from the film has been replicated in real life.

A blind man, Omed Aziz, was convicted of dangerous driving, after police spotted his car on the wrong side of the road, and was sentenced to 12 weeks in prison suspended for a year.

Aziz, who lost his eyes in a bomb blast in Iraq, was driving through Oldbury on 23 April.
He was arrested along with a 21-year-old Iraqi at about 2300 BST, after police followed their car along Oldbury Ringway and into West Bromwich Street, the court was told.

Iraq-born Aziz, from Birmingham Street, Darlaston, denied dangerous driving but had pleaded guilty at a previous hearing to driving with no MOT, no licence and no insurance.

However, in yet another example of the law being an ASS, Magistrates said they were required by law to order Aziz to take an "...extended driving test", if he ever decides to apply for a driving licence.

HELLO!! The man is BLIND!!

Five years on

My journey in to work 5 years ago today, would have been similar, although not identical to that today. The train - the 6.36 into London Bridge - now often arrives early - and is a cleaner, quieter and more pleasant new train - the type which replaced the old style slam door trains a couple of years ago.

I sit listening to songs randomly selected on my iPod Nano - an invention of the last 12 months - the current selection being Coldplay's "Trouble". I find that I'm in 'trouble' as the woman in bright pink opposite asks to me to turn the volume down on my iPod (to be perfectly honest the volume was about half what it could have been, and nowhere near as "loud" as her bright cerise shoes, skirt and floral "cardy" - how would she (Old Ma Cerise) like it if I asked her to dress less "loudly" in future?).

Today the skies (plural?) are clear and blue and the world outside appears relatively calm.

London was also my destination 5 years ago although the building where I used to work on the 1st floor, has been replaced by a new 42 storey global headquarters.

How would I have felt 5 years ago watching the events of 9/11 unfold if I'd been sat on the 35th floor (as I will be today) of a building which to some will be totally representative of all that they believe is wrong about western capitalist states? The answer is clear, I would have felt very different. Whilst the events were horrific they were still far enough away for me not to feel personally threatened, especially on the 1st floor of an 8 storey building in the middle of London.

The realisation that what initially appeared to be a tragic accident, was in fact a horrific terrorist attack, only dawned when the second aircraft came into view close to the second of the Twin Towers.

Has the world changed for the better in the last 5 years? On a personal level, most definitely. There has been much success and happiness within the family (albeit that this has been tinged with sadness at the "passing" of some along the way).

But, on a Global level, the world is possibly much worse than it was. We remain less understanding, less forgiving, less accepting of others than we should be. A death in Baghdad, Kabul or Darfur, isn't "felt" in the same way as it is if it happens on the streets of Britain or America. The "Trouble" remains and like in the "spider's web" in the song, we remain "caught in the middle"!

The annoying trend of pixelation

Whilst I accept that on occasions I have used "pixelation" to protect the identity of subjects of previous "Blogs", I am beginning to get more and more annoyed by its use on TV.

It never used to be the case during news broadcasts that every car registration number was pixelated or "fuzzed out". So why do they have to do it now? Is it to protect car drivers who are somewhere where they shouldn't be? How many devious, unscrupulous people can there be in the world? Maybe if there was more of a chance that they would get found out they would think twice before going somewhere that they shouldn't!

I was even watching an interview on TV the other evening with some professor or other, which was presumably filmed in his study or library. On one of the shelves behind him was what looked like a photo frame, with the contents pixelated out. What did he have to hide? If he didn't want anybody to see the photo - because, for example, he had an extremely ugly wife or children - he should have moved the photo out of shot!

The fact that the photo had been adjusted in this way just made me more inquisitive about its contents, whereas had it just been an ordinary photo I wouldn't have given it a second look.

Spot the difference

Looking back on the events of yesterday, both personal and political, I noticed a very strange co-incidence. The day had commenced with:

"T's old grey bear falling from space"

and by the end of the day we had seen, what most commentators were describing as, the start of: -

"T Blair, looking old and grey, falling from grace"

Spooky, co-incidence or conspiracy?"

Murder in the Alley?....Another true story

We discovered the body just after 6am lying face down in the narrow alleyway between the two houses. The gate leading to the alleyway had been closed when we had arrived, and there was nothing about the scene that suggested that a struggle had taken place. There was no apparent blood seeping from the body, no obvious bruising, and no immediate clues as to how it had arrived in its final resting place. It just looked old and grey.

We also knew that in a potential "crime scene" the body shouldn't be moved until the police arrive, but surely we should check to see if there were any signs of life? Proper forensic analysis, if necessary, could take place later, but one small check surely couldn't hurt now? Placing two fingers on the victim's neck T felt for a pulse, but as she had expected there wasn't one, and whilst the body felt cold, (as though it had lain there for several hours), it felt curiously soft. Had rigor come and gone, or had death occurred more recently than we had at first thought. If so, was the perpetrator of the crime - if in fact there had been a crime - still in the vicinity.

As we looked down at the body a noise made us look up at one of the buildings. One of the upstairs windows of the house to the right was open about 9 inches wide and a curtain was flapping in the early morning breeze. Could the body have fallen, or been pushed, from the window above? If so, given that it was no more than about 10 feet above the ground, surely such a fall wouldn't have proved fatal? And from ground level it didn't look as though the window could be opened much wider than it currently was.

The morning was a cold crisp one, and a faint dusting of frost had formed on the concrete slabs of the alleyway and also on the few leaves that had fallen from trees in the nearby gardens. Leaves which would soon greatly increase in number as summer quickly receded and autumn breezed in to take its place.

However, there were no footprints to be seen in the frost other than the faint trail that we had created ourselves. In fact the only signs of anybody other than the victim being there would point back to us; our footprints, our finger prints on the handle of the gate, our traces of DNA on the body itself.

Many questions would follow, about why we had been there at that time in the morning and what had made us look in the alleyway? Had we seen anything or heard anything that had led us there? (Answers to both these questions being an unhelpful no)

What had led us there? Did we need an alibi? How was this going to look?

Everyone had heard of miscarriages of justices, but were we now about to be caught up in one ourselves?

As question after question started to invade our minds we both looked back down at the body. Although it lay face down with it's hands tucked in under its chest, and although difficult to see in the early morning gloom, it appeared as though it was holding something. Something that was large enough for it to have needed two hands to hold it. As we looked closer we saw it was a sign, a sign which simply read "MUM".....

Or to put it another way

One of T's teddies fell off the windowsill in the night and she found it in on the pavement by the side of the house as she was about to drive me to the station first thing this morning....

Is it a bird? Is it a....?

Given the events (or lack of events) at Longleat on Saturday, a strange thing happened at work yesterday.

Being (unusually) the first in the team to arrive at work I was working at my desk when each of my colleagues arrived. Pleasantries were exchanged with the first 2 or 3 colleagues, until one came in and said "Do you know why there is a plane in Reception?".

I had not seen anything, (although I do have a recent history of not seeing planes) and neither had most of my colleagues. Despite previous references to "drug dealing", my colleague appeared in full control of her faculties and remained adamant that she had seen a plane.

Out of a team of 10 only 3 had seen the plane, which (on a later secret visit to Reception) I later confirmed to be a glider with a 40 foot wingspan, and therefore something that was no too easy to miss!!!

I would like to point out that our Reception is quite large, and that it was not something that I had to "step over" as I came into the building, so it had clearly "disappeared" as most of us came into work.

Also, had my interview with the reporter from the Daily Telegraph yesterday, who managed to condense 15 minutes of me droning on, into 180 words of similarly meaningless drivel, which will be appear in print sometime soon.

Having appeared in the New York Times last October, and the Daily Telegraph soon, I will soon be able to add 'newspaper correspondent' to my CV!

STOP PRESS!
Not only have planes been disappearing recently but this evening half of the trains disappeared, considerably delaying journey home.

Oh my God!! ........I've just noticed that my hair and teeth are starting to disappear as well...what kind of conspiracy is this?

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction

Long Weekend at Center Parcs, Longleat - 1st September 2006 - 4th September 2006

Whilst the Saturday of our long "weekend" (see previous Blog) left a little to be desired in the enjoyment stakes, the rest of the weekend actually more than made up for it.

The accomodation, a two storey, two bedroom (both with ensuite) appartment was large enough and comfortable enough for the four of us (and the eight of us for a few hours on Saturday evening).

The company was excellent, and we all managed to pack a great deal into our remaining one and a half days at the Parc.

These activities included many trips to the pool complex, where we all threw ourselves around the "rapids", water slides, flumes etc with as much gusto as those who were 30+ years younger than (some of) us.

However, it should be noted that one of our party, who shall remain nameless, screamed louder than most others as she was swept down the rapids, sometimes upside down, sometimes the right way up....sometimes seemingly doing cartwheels!!!

As well as the swimming (or more accurately, splashing around in the water) we had at least eight games of badminton, six games of squash, 6 holes of golf at the Belfry (on a golf simulator), a boat trip in a pedalo - to which I added 2 short runs (just to finish me off).

Some of this exercise was necessary to offset a very pleasant evening meal and waffles at the "Austrian" Pancake House.

All in all, a very pleasant weekend!!

The proof of the pudding is in the.....making!

Long Weekend at Center Parcs, Longleat - Friday 1st September - Monday 4th September 2006

There are many different approaches to creating a culinary feats, but as any good cook will tell you it is not just about having the right ingredients that determines how good the finished dish will be, but rather the method and order in which they are combined.

Our weekend at Center Parcs, Longleat in part proved this point. The initial reason for the weekend was due to Moog having bought tickets for the Red Bull World Series Air Race which was to be raced at Longleat on 2nd September, and to which he invited not only 'yours truly', but both of his grandfathers as well.

For the event to be successful, it required the following "ingredients": -

1. Tickets
2. Convenient accommodation
3. World class aerobatic pilots
4. Impressive venue
5. Large crowds
6. Good event organisation
7. Good weather

Over the course of the weekend, all of the above ingredients were present....but unfortunately not at the right time or in the right order.

The 11 pilots demonstrated their amazing skills in the qualifying rounds on Friday, (when there was nobody there to see them) but the real event, in front of crowds of up to 100,000 was not due to take place until Saturday.

The weather was great on Friday and Sunday, but unfortunately Saturday, whilst warm, was wet and very, very windy.

The convenience of of accommodation at Center Parcs meant that we only had a 5 minute drive to the magnificent Longleat venue where we arrived at 11.00 am, in good time to see the start of the day's events at 12.15 pm...that is if there had been any events during the day.

Unfortunately, the weather was too bad for the event to take place at all or for the crowds to see anything.

The good event organisation that had got the crowds into the event, disappeared at the end of the day when the crowd was advised that "...it would most probably not be possible to see any flying" at around 4.00 pm. So we, (along with 99,996 others) spent a good hour queuing to get to the car park, and then two hours queuing (not that there was only one queue, there were about fourteen queues all trying to push into one) to get out!

Having left the viewing area at about 4pm we got out of the car park at just before 7pm. In one respect the fact that we then only had a five minute drive to our villa at Center Parcs was a bonus, but in another respect it was b@??!y annoying as it would only have taken us about 30 minutes to walk it had we been able to!

Next year we're going to see the race in Dubai, or Budapest or... anywhere that can guarantee warm, dry, calm weather...so basically anywhere outside of the UK.

All of the elements had been there, just not necessarily in the right order!!

Childhood memories

I heard on the news this morning that Airfix, the company that made plastic construction kits, had gone into administration. As a maker, with varying degrees of success, of such kits in my youth, such news means that Airfix will not feature in the lives or memories of children in the future.

Clearly the collapse of the company has occurred as its products no longer resonate with children of today who prefer to spend their time playing ontheir PS2, Gameboy, PC etc.
This set me wondering if it is possible to ascertain where one's childhood memories overlap, in order to identify the most memorable period and if so,when was it for me?

Whilst a “remembered” item on its own does not identify a specific date or period, combined memories can. Airfix has apparently been making model kits for almost 70 years, so my memories of Spitfires, Hurricanes and Lancaster bombers, could relate (had I been alive throughout the period) to anytime from 1945 - 2005. However, memories of the above, combined with memories of the children's programme Magpie, reduces the time period to between 1968 - 1978.

The following list - produced purely from memory and without any research as to what period they related to - detail my memories of childhood: -

Hobbies
Airfix kits; I Spy books; Cubs; Chemistry Kits; Beano comics (especiallythe “Bumper” Summer Specials); “Biggles” books.

TV Programmes
Magpie; How?; Robinson Crusoe; White Horses; Belle & Sebastian; It's aKnockout; Basil Brush; Blue Peter; The undersea world of Jacques Cousteau; Top of The Pops; Doctor Who.

Sporting figures
Francis Lee; Colin Bell; David Hemery; Stan Bowles; Rodney Marsh; BobbyMoore; Harvey Smith; Bob Beaman; Mary Peters

Sweets
'Bubbly' - Bubble Gum; Sherbert Fountains; Gobstoppers; Flying Saucers; Fruit Salads; Curly Wurly; Cadbury's Creme Eggs.

Products and Brands
OMO; “Chopper” bicycle; LED Calculator; Timothy Whites; Ford Cortina

Events
Mexico Football World Cup; Moon landing; Mexico Olympics

Having drawn up the list, I decided to undertake a small amount of research to identify where they intersected, if in fact they did.

Whilst some of these items are not time specific, and some others have beena constant feature throughout the last 40 years, those that can be “dated”do define a period of time when they all overlap, namely 1968 - 1971.

It is interesting to note that this seems to be the period of my childhood which I am most conscious of, and it is also one during which I was at my most creative, successful, and possibly happiest!

Excuses, excuses...

There were times in my school days where I was asked to provide my less creative school "chums" with innovative and plausible "excuses" that they could give their teachers, to explain why for the "...23rd time this term" they hadn't completed their homework.

People often need excuses, and my previously mentioned cousin "Joe", in a previous job as a professional lie detector (or traffic cop as it is known in the US), used to have to question motorists who appeared to be driving erratically on Britain's motorways.

One motorist who appeared to be weaving from lane to lane, and cutting corners in the process, claimed to be "...driving in as straight a line as possible in order to save fuel".

(Obviously many years later this type of action actually became government policy and is now one of the cornerstone recommendations of the Kyoto agreement to reduce the devastating effects of climate change - being close to the top of the list and only just below "Turn the tap off whilst brushing your teeth").

Another time when approaching a car stopped in the fast lane of a busy motorway he saw an elderly gentleman attempting to change a burst tyre whilst vehicles sped past. On reaching the car Joe also saw that the gentleman's wife was quite happily "knitting" in the front of the car.

When asked what he thought he was doing changing a tyre there, the elderly gentlemen replied that "...there had been no point changing it before then as it had only just burst!".

What Joe would have made of the following I don't know, but hearing the excuse would have been entertaining....

A woman crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson in Hohhot, the capital of China's Inner Mongolia region. She later said her dog "was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched her drive", according to the official Xinhua news agency. "She thought she would let the dog 'have a try' while she operated the accelerator and brake. They did not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car.

What the report didn't say was that when the driver of the other vehicle was asked what make of car had hit him, he had been unsure, but thought that it "...might have been a Rover!!".

A good face for....radio!

I was involved in a small photo shoot for the Daily Telegraph today in relation to a small article that I am doing for them in September.

Whilst the article won't appear until mid September, they required a photograph of 'yours truly', and sent round a young photographer - Sarah -who has recently arrived in the UK from New Zealand.

I advised Sarah that I could not be held responsible for any damage to her lens etc (I bet she hadn't heard that comment before!), but she assured me that it would be OK and that she would soon be finished - after all she only needed one decent shot/photo!

Well, it seemed that photos were taken from every conceivable angle, and she must have taken at least 30. Each one was accompanied by comments such as : -“Look into the lens”, “no better look to your left”, “Smile”, “No.... I said smile”,“Don't worry about me getting so close, the lens is really wide angle, so I won't get that much of you in”, “isn't this a great background!”, “I'll try one with flash” etc etc.

It will amazing to see what the eventual picture looks like, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if I am merely shown in silhouette, with my features totally “blacked” out.

Whilst Sarah was too polite to say it, I do believe that she was thinking that I have “...a great face for radio”.

Driving etiquette

There are certain aspects of driving that can be considered to be contrary to driving "etiquette", and others which are simply contrary to the law.

I encountered an example of the former in my youth whilst on holiday in Jersey, where "Filter in turn" signs were placed at every junction. My cousin, (who to protect his identity I shall simply refer to as "Joe"), by some amazing combination of timing and co-ordination, managed always to be in a position where he could proceed first onto the junction, and when some other driver tried to "cut" in front of him, he would politely inform them of their misdemeanour by shouting "...it's not your BLOODY turn!!".

Joe actually helped to teach me to drive some years later (Some would say that that explains a lot - by which I assume that they mean that I am an equally calm and polite driver).

Having driven along 750 miles of the 20,000 miles of UK motorway on Saturday, there were a number of annoying habits that "other" drivers demonstrated, of which my top 3 were: -

1. Driving in the middle lane when the inside lane is clear. I sometimes wonder why we have an inside lane as nobody seems to want to use it. In fact this "wasted" space is equivalent to an area of land 7.5 miles square, and could solve the problem of finding sufficient suitable(?) land to solve the current housing shortage (although parents might need to be a bit more careful when their offspring ask to play games in "the street"!).
2. Using a mobile phone whilst driving at 70 mph + (which is dangerous enough in itself) this sometimes necessitating taking both hands off the wheel so that they can (seemingly) text the great works of Shakespeare to their loved ones whilst all other road users have to take appropriate avoiding action , and
3. The 'indicate and immediately pull out' merchants - as opposed to the "Mirror, signal, mirror, manoeuvre, friendly wave to fellow drivers" exponents such as myself.

I have often wondered what I would do if I lost my job as a part time cartoonist, but it is clear that the world would benefit from me sharing my driving skills with others, so I will add Driving Instructor to my list of alternative professions, just below Professional Hypocrite, and part time Irony Advisor to the US.

For those who have been similarly annoyed by other road users, I have just overhead some fellow commuters on my train come up with a suitable "punishment".

Follow the offending driver to the next motorway services and once they leave their car to go to "sprinkle their boots", sprinkle their car with breadcrumbs. The damage caused by birds as they peck at the bread and then leave their acidic "deposits" behind is apparently particularly satisfying.

Anyway, I must go now as I need to get my car valeted, and get some quotes for a complete re-spray!!

Apology to the "Namby Pamby" Brigade

Following complaints received in relation to my previous blog (Saturday 26th August - The "Secret" Party) from the National Association of Master Bakers (NAMBIES), I hereby officially apologise if my comments regarding the decoration of the cake were inappropriate (To be fair, anybody reading any of my blogs should realise that they are, by their very nature, almost universally inappropriate).

The cake in question, pictured here, was beautifully decorated, and my comments that implied that the '85' looked like a '25', were simply [and I quote] "...evidence of my lack of appreciation of the 'artistic numeric form' which cake decorators are able to achieve". For this I sincerely apologise.

Saturday 26th August - The "Secret" Party

Imagine the pleasure of being invited to the 85th birthday party of one of your favourite aunts - someone you have loved and respected for so many years - a party to which all of her cherished friends and relatives have been invited; a party which is sure to have endless supplies of carefully prepared food and copious amounts to drink. Truly an event to remember....just imagine.

Now imagine NOT being invited to the above. The feelings of rejection, lack of worth, self esteem etc. Well, believe me such feelings can hurt and I should know.

In order to protect my Aunt's identity I shall simply refer to her as Aunty Dot, and all photos of her will be digitally altered so that she is not recognised in the street for fear of her suffering verbal abuse when people hear of the way in which she treated me (For whilst I was not invited to the "secret" party, I am not a vindictive person).

Having learned of the planned party and its location I decided to drive the short distance to the venue (350 miles) and arrive ahead of the planned start time to catch Aunty Dot and her cohorts (who I shall refer to as M & D) off guard.

They had gone to great lengths to put me off the scent; Aunty Dot had moved to another house, and M & D's car had been hidden close to another similar looking property so that I wouldn't see it on my first visit. However, I soon saw through this pretence, and eventually knocked on the door, which was eventually opened by D.

On giving him the secret password "bacon sandwich?", he let me in, even though their surprise at my arrival was clearly evident.

(But it didn't end there. In order to disorientate me further, Aunty Dot had decorated this new house with exactly the same furniture and colour scheme as my own in Sussex.)

By early afternoon they "seemed" resigned to let me stay, albeit still trying to make sure that I headed home before the real food arrived.

I had so many questions to ask, such as "Why?", "Why?" and also "Why?", but none of them were answered satisfactorily. Aunty Dot even said that this was to be her last birthday in a less than subtle attempt to persuade me not to come to next year's party either.

"Invited" guests arrived throughout the afternoon, all of them "appeared" very pleasant indeed, but seemed to find my presence somewhat strange. In fact they seemed to find me (myself, I) somewhat strange as well, how wrong they all are!

Then the cake arrived - yet another trick - I was told at this point that it wasn't actually Aunty Dot's 85th birthday party, but in fact Mavis's (who I didn't know) Silver Wedding Anniversary party, and that was why I hadn't been invited!

When I saw the cake, for the first time I began to doubt whether I had actually been right about the whole event. The cake did have the number "25" on the top of it!

Throughout the afternoon I believe that there were various attempts to poison me. I was given plates of food - nobody else seemed to be eating - including some shortbread that actually tasted of cheese! Very suspicious!

Anyway, by 5pm I started to feel strangely tired and decided that the safest thing that I could do was to escape and drive the short distance home (350 miles) and get some sleep.

Next year they will have to come up with a more cunning plan if they want to stop me from attending. Bring it on!!!!

Is there anything worse than coming fourth?

At any major sporting event where medals are given out to the top three athletes, one commentator will always say that "...there's nothing worse than coming fourth" or even worse, "...nobody remembers the athlete who comes fourth".

Imagine the scene, a young athlete from the East End of London, who as a 13 year old took up athletics seriously having been inspired by the Olympics being won by London in 2012; devotes every waking minute to training and gradually improves his times over the years from a position of obscurity to one of medal contention. His event is the 400 metres, and, in 2012 in the London Olympics final, (which he reached after setting a lifetime best time in the semis), he misses a bronze medal by 1/100th second, although he sets a British, European & Commonwealth record in so doing. Nothing worse? Won't be remembered? Do me a favour.

For a start, there's a chance that he'll eventually be awarded a medal as the odds on one of the first 3 failing a drugs test are reasonably high; (for future reference this was the week that Justin Gatlin received an 8 year ban for failing a second drugs test!) Secondly the list of "...other worse things in the world" is too long to mention, and thirdly his performance would make him fourth best in the world and faster than any British, European or Commonwealth athlete had ever run that event!!!

Fourth in the world, I wouldn't mind coming fourth in my house, which as one of the offspring (namely he that shall be named Moog) flew the nest 2 years ago, only actually consists of 3 people!

So this led me to think of some of my achievements throughout my life to date: -

August 2006 - 226,775th after the first week of the Telegraph Fantasy
Football League.

November 2000 - 17,601st in the New York Marathon - (I'm not
sure that all those in front of me were drugs tested, so a first three position
doesn't look very likely!)

April 1997 - 21,619th in the London Marathon - (although I did have to
wait a few minutes whilst my running partner, young Nia (well she was relatively
young then) took a pit stop in a "powder room" at 20 miles, that may have cost us
a first three position, but for the fact that the winning athlete had already
had had his feet up for over 2 hours at that point.

July 1972 - 5th out of 4 in the Jersey Barra Hotel Fancy Dress competition. The
conversation leading up to this event had included the sentences "...But I've
not got a costume to wear" "...the hotel has a box with fancy dress costumes in
it, have a look in there" and the defining "...no there was only a Kermit the
Frog costume left in the box!". Well, as I said Kermit and I came
fifth.

September 1966 - Failed to finish in the Blackpool Butlins Egg &
Spoon race. This failure was actually due to a technicality, as the rules had
not been properly explained to me. I had actually been fairly and squarely in
the lead in the race until my egg fell off my spoon, and I didn't realise you
could put it back on. So I walked off the track, muttering about the "cheat" who
had won by using his hands. (As some form of consolation I think my mum and dad bought me a cowboy outfit - with a "real" cap firing gun - to wear for the rest
of the week. (Presumably the shop didn't sell Kermit outfits, or maybe Kermit
hadn't been "born" in 1966!)

So in chronological order, I have a track record of DNF, 5th, 21,619th, 17,601st & 226,775th. Which is not what the statisticians would describe as "improving".

Who says there's nothing worse than coming fourth?

Company adverts

As I was travelling back home today after doing another circuit of the M25, I was driving down a hill towards Horsham and noticed in the distance that a lorry had broken down on the opposite side of the road, and that as there was a lot of traffic travelling in my direction, cars behind the lorry were unable to pass it, causing a massive tail back. As I passed the lorry, I couldn't make out the product that was advertised on its side, but I did notice the slogan painted along the front - it read - "The road ahead is clear....". I just hope that the same wasn't written across the rear of the lorry, as I'm not sure that the drivers in the tail-back would have appreciated it.

A few miles further on I say another lorry advertising "Loos of Distinction", which I have actually used before at sporting events - as they are a posh version of a portaloo. However, it seems that the company is owned by a Mr M J Brown.

As a consequence, due to the spacing of the words of the van it read -

M.J.

Brown Loos

of Distinction

I don't think this portrays the image that they wanted to!

Here are a few links to other advertising "funnies" - enjoy!!

Watch this one right to the end....that is try not too get tyred!!
http://www.boreme.com//boreme/funny-2006/gymnastic-hoops-p1.php

Doesn't this just always happen?
http://www.funny-videos.co.uk/videolivingtvlockedout.html

Not quite road rage...but I think the cyclist gets the point!
http://www.funny-videos.co.uk/videofiatpunto.html

Is your boss a "drug dealer"?

I refer to my blog of 21 August 2006 - which referred to my addiction to my "crackberry". Well, yesterday - was this a coincidence or not? - I recieved an email advising me that they ("the company") were to provide me with a more powerful version, that would be easier to use (and therefore get hooked on!!).

If crackberries are drugs/addictive such an approach is merely trying to feed my habit in order to keep me addicted! This makes my employer the equivalent of a drug dealer. What next will they try. Human trafficking? Illegal gambling dens? Who knows?

However, from an alternative perspective, being a bit of a GOSSIP (see previous blog - "Return of the Acronyms!") the new crackberry model 8700v sounds quite "cool".

For some reason today, I agreed to "open" a workshop held at our training site near St. Albans. My "opening" lasted fifteen minutes and I had a 3 hour round trip on the notorious M25. Was this a valuable use of my time? Do I ask pointless questions? No & Yes (please place previous answers in the relevant order).

Achieving a work life balance

A mixed day of successes and frustrations, concluded with attendance at a business meeting (no really it was!), part of which was concerned with proclamations of how we should all embrace flexible working more. Our ability to utilise available technology to work from home more was encouraged with the benefit of reducing commuting time for those travelling to London being particularly relevant to yours truly.
The meeting started at 4.30 pm, was scheduled to last for an hour, finishedat 7.00 pm, allowing me to leave work at 7.30 pm. This means that with a commute of one and three quarter hours I'll be home by 9.15!

Next time I won't go to a meeting on Flexible Working, I'll avoid it byworking flexibly!!

As I was writing this blog on my way home (on the aforementioned train) Iread a headline in the Evening Standard - “The Blackberry 'can hook you just like a drug'”. The article stated that “...palmtop gadgets - nicknamed “crackberries” because it is claimed users can get hooked - let users read and reply to emails wherever they are...But now a study claims the gadgets are fuelling a rise in email and internet addiction, and that a key sign is when a user focuses on their Blackberry rather than their friends and family.”

What utter claptrap! I have no friends, and you would never catch me ignoring my family, whatever their names are!

Historical footnote: -

1 September 1939, Poland invaded by Germany.

18 August 2006, (more or less 67 years to the day later) Poland invaded bya certain hen party from Sussex.
Former stayed longer, latter caused more lasting damage - but I think they had a good time!!

Location of Gordon Ramsey's house revealed!

In an attempt to persuade Gordon Ramsey to stop launching into four letter tirades at every conceivable opportunity, I have decided, in the public interest to tell everybody where he lives.

Whilst I accept that this is an invasion of privacy, I believe that the ends justify the means.

For those of you with Google Earth installed on your computer (and if you haven't do it now, because it is great!) - enter the following co-ordinates into the box in the top left corner of the screen & click on the search button!

53.5385 N 1.347 W

You'll need to zoom in to about 400 feet.

For those of you without Google Earth, but want to see the location in a google map, please proceed via the attached link.

HOWEVER - this should not be done by anybody under the age of 16, or who is sensitive to bad language or for that matter purile humour!

http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?f=q&hl=en&q=Billingley.&ll=53.535474,-1.350245&spn=0.00857,0.026951&t=k

Don't "diss" the able

A recurring theme within these blogs is that of our nation's apparent desire to knock back or knock down those that are successful. This even applies to students who year after year get excellent GSCE & A'level results, only to have their achievements either belittled or dismissed, with claims that the actual exams have got easier.

This may simply be jealous parents who are unwilling to accept that their offspring may be more intelligent than they were/are, but whatever the cause it really should not be allowed to continue.

We should not "diss*" the able but accept and celebrate their achievements. In much the same way that we should celebrate the achievements of those with "dis-abilities", and accept that they have their place in society where they can bring joy (as well as a fair share of heartache) to many.

* Verb 1. diss - treat, mention, or speak to rudely; "He
insulted her with his rude remarks"; "the student who had betrayed his classmate
was dissed by everyone"

On the subject of wonderful people with disabilities - Nick arived yesterday for a week of "respite" care, and whilst I was pushing him around in his wheelchair in Boots (The Chemist) in Horsham, I noticed a product that - (if it was from the Ronseal" range of products) looked as though it would make the whole experience a lot easier. The product was called Nic Assist and was only £13.99 for 7 days assistance...so I bought a packet.

The box contained 7 "patches" for 7 days assistance, with each patch supposedly lasting 16 hours. Despite the fact that the wheelchair was motorised, it was difficult to manoeuvre, so I immediately put a patch on my arm and waited.

There were no instructions so I didn't know how long it would take before I started to feel the effects. I started to push Nick's wheelchair, it didn't feel any easier. I pushed him around for the next two hours and can honestly say that I felt more and more tired and began to think that this product was possibly a 'con', as the patch didn't assist me at all.
I then decided that maybe I should have put the patch on Nick. That didn't work either!

Maybe I'll take them back to Boots tomorrow.

A day in the Oval office

I spent today in a very enjoyable 8 hour meeting with Solicitors. Enjoyable as the meeting venue was quite conducive to open discussion, the refreshments provided were very good, and in the breaks they provided us with an opportunity to have a good look at the things going on around us.

Or to put it another way, I was taken to the England v Pakistan Test match at the Oval.

It was an interesting day and summed up Britain in many ways.

We queued in an orderly fashion to get into the ground and took our seats in good time for the start of the match at 11.00 am.

The first ball of the match was bowled by Pakistan who had won the toss and had elected to field. Then the second ball was bowled and then...it started raining and play was stopped for half an hour or so.

Eventually the game restarted, and was a bit “on-off” for a while, but then the weather started to improve and the sun came out. At this point the umpires decided that lunch should be taken so the game came to a halt again.

Given the loss in play, did they decide to have a shorter lunch break, so that the fee paying (OK so I didn't pay!) crowd could get there monies worth? No.

Therefore it was time for a drink from the bar.

There are many rules at the Oval: -

1. Alcohol is prohibited from being taken into the ground.
2. The maximum number of drinks that can be bought in any one "round" is 4.
3. The bar has to close for 90 minutes following the resumption of play after lunch.

Do any of these rules reduce drunkeness? Well quite the opposite actually, as people seem encouraged to visit the bar more than they would normally, but at least 4 drinks each and line them up in case they get thirsty.

Having already won the series, great things were expected of England, and they soon set about lowering those expectations with a great demonstration of ineptitude. There also seemed to be another rule at the Oval that linked the roars of the crowd to welcome a new batsman, with the subsequent performance of that batsman.

e.g. Big cheer for Kevin Petersen - out first ball; Biggest cheer of the day for Monty Panesar - clean bowled first ball!!

Eventually England were all out for 170 ish. (Do the alcohol restrictions help people remember the score accurately? Clearly not.) Well the added bonus of watching England get “skittled” out (is this a valid term if they were not actually playing skittles? Would they have faired better if they had been?) is that we then had the chance to see England cause Pakistan the same sort of problems that Pakistan had caused England.

Matthew Hoggard bowled the first ball, and then the second...unfortunately this time it didn't start raining and play wasn't stopped!

It is probably worth pointing out at this point to all those of you that haven't been to a live cricket match that for approximately 95% of the game......you cannot actually see the ball! In fact some of the time I think that all of the players may have been miming, and acting out some sporting equivalent of "The Emporers New Clothes". "Did you see that good shot, old chap?" "Course I did, old chap". "Did the ball hit his pads?" etc etc - There was no ball!! it was all pretend!

Pakistan started to score freely.With England doing as badly at bowling as they had done at batting, the crowd - Ok the “barmy army” within the crowd - started to play their own games.

There were many failed attempts to start Mexican Waves - which didn't please those trying to start them;

There was the appearance of a very large beach ball which was kept in the air by the crowd for a long time until it was confiscated by a steward - which wasn't appreciated by large sections of the “barmy army”;

There were competitions where plastic beer glasses (PBGs) were “stacked” as high as possible - reaching heights in excess of 10 feet, making them wave around in the breeze like giant...like giant...like giant stack of plastic beer glasses. In a steward pincer movement, the PBG balancers were surrounded, and the offending PBGs were also confiscated. Aforementioned “barmy army” didn't seem to like this either and PBG's started to be thrown. Police moved in, one PBG balancer was removed from the ground etc etc

Clearly very irritated by now, the "barmy army" started singing "community songs" - classics such as "Three pound an hour, three pound an hour - you're only on three pound an hour"; (This was aimed at the stewards, and seemed to imply that they weren't even worth the minimum wage, whereas the bright green jackets that they were wearing, emblazoned with "The Green Team" on the back, tried to give the impression that they were some sort of crack /elite unit!) and "What's your name, what's your name, what's your name" etc etc. (which seemed to imply absolutely nothing at all).

Now it was at this point as more police moved in to deal with certain individuals within the barmy army that I thought that very soon the cameras would soon turn from the inaction on the pitch, to the action in the stands. Action that was actually going on all around me...and if this happened and my face appeared on the cricket high(low)lights for all to see...how would I explain the 'All day meeting with Solicitors' entry in my office diary?

Time to make a sharp exit.

Return of the Acronyms!!

The use of acronyms in recent years has also been indicative, to a degree, of changes in society and, to a much lesser degree, of a commentary of my life.

First of all we had the YUPPIE (Young Upwardly Mobile Professional) in the 70'S then we had the DINKY (Double Income No Kids Yet) in the very early 80's, and KIPPERS (Kids in Parents' Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings) in the 90's & 00's (or the naughtnys as we call it in our household!).

Very recently we also had an isolated case of FAIRIES in Yeovil (Female
Acrobat in Roadside [Injury Enhancing] Stumble) which whilst slightly better
than a case of the WARTS (Wrinkly Acrobat in Roadside Triple Salco),
and certainly better than a combination of the two - (That would be
FARTIES for those not quick enough to work it out!) sounds to have been
very painful nevertheless. To protect the identity of the individual
concerned I will simply refer to her by the acronym of MUM [indefinable, although more "sugar plum" than "wrinkly"] - and I truly hope that she is well on the (pothole free) road to recovery!!

Now apparently we have a new "breed". Ambitious office workers now tend to arrive at their desk with a mobile phones, a Blackberry, an iPod, a decaffeinated cappaccino and a gym bag. These are no longer YUPPIES, but GOSSIPS - Gadget Obsessed, Status-Symbol-Infatuated Professionals.

A recent survey of 1,500 staff in London found that most said that gadgets such as memory sticks and Blackberries were the ultimate status symbol and almost a third spent more than £10 a week on coffee, even where hot drinks were free in the office.

Well I'm just glad that no-one could ever describe me as a GOSSIP.

Now, did I tell you about our next door neighbour, and who I saw leaving her house late the other night......?

Be careful what you wish for....

Did anybody notice the article in yesterday's Evening Standard (apologies for the South Eastern bias in this Blog) in the Sports section. Dean Ashton was being interviewed and he was quoted as saying that he was looking forward to "...his big break in the England Squad....".

How right he was!!!

The truth is out there...if you look in the right places!

With newspaper headlines declaring "Airports at crisis point" John Prescott declared that things were getting back to normal, having visited two airports himself today - Where did he visit? Gatwick? Heathrow? No - Humberside and Doncaster!! (I didn't even know they had airports!)

Child prodigies throughout history...

A child prodigy is someone who is a master of one or more skills or arts at an early age. One generally accepted heuristic for identifying prodigies is the following: a prodigy is someone who, by the age of roughly 11, displays expert proficiency or a profound grasp of the fundamentals in a field usually only undertaken by adults.
The term wunderkind (from German: Wunder, wonder/miracle + Kind, child, kid) is sometimes used as a synonym for prodigy, particularly in media accounts, although this term is discouraged in scientific literature. Wunderkind is also used more generally of adults who achieve success and notoriety early in their careers, such as Steven Spielberg and Steve Jobs.

There are other individuals who have received historical acclaim for achievements - classed as "amazing" - such as Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (who played the piano a bit), and Pablo Picasso (who actually couldn't really paint or draw things that people would recognise), whereas other did not receive the aclaim that they truly deserved.

It is rare in history to find examples of children (below the age of 11) who have invented items that are so far in advance of current scientific thinking - basically so far "ahead of their time" that to uncover for the first time such an example, which has remained hidden for so long, is quite remarkable.

Leonardo Da Vinci conceived ideas vastly ahead of his own time, notably conceptually inventing the helicopter, a tank, the use of concentrated solar power, the calculator, a rudimentary theory of plate tectonics, the double hull, and many others. Relatively few of his designs were constructed or were feasible during his lifetime, but that has never been deemed to be important - it has been the concept & the ability to think in such a way, that has given him his rightful place in history.

It has long since been thought that the mobile telephone was invented by Motorola in 1975, and the 3G Videophone was not made commercially available until the 1990's.

However, the concept of a mobile phone, incorporating the ability to view TV style pictures was actually conceived in 1970 when yours truly, at the age of 9(!!), brought the concept to the attention of the acclaimed author E. W. Hildick.

The original documentary evidence of this exists today and is reproduced here.

Whilst recognition of this invention has not yet reached the acclaim achieved by Da Vinci - well not yet anyway! - this will shortly be rectified by approaches from the conceptual designer to the mobile telephone companies. More soon.......

A question of motivation

The following speech was delivered by General Patton, the commander of the US Third Army in Europe, during World War II.

Today you must do more than is required of you. Never think that you have
done enough or that your job is finished. There's always something that can
be done, something that can help to ensure victory. You can't let others be
responsible for getting you started. You must be a self-starter. You must
possess that spark of individual initiative that sets the leader apart from
the led. Self-motivation is the key to being one step ahead of everyone else
and standing head and shoulders above the crowd. Once you get going don't
stop. Always be on the lookout for the chance of doing better. Never stop
trying. Fill yourself with the warrior spirit - and send that warrior into
action.

Whilst seemingly effective on the battlefield, the transposition of the word "warrior" with either "peace-maker" or "diplomat" also works, and could have been used by Kofi Annan as he admonished the members of the UN Security Council for dragging their feet in their attempts to draft a resolution to end the conflict between Israel and Lebanon/Hezbollah in the Middle East.

This is a conflict, like all others where neither side seems satisfied with their respective share of the Earth or the rights of the other side to inhabit theirs.

How much of this planet do we each need?

As the disruption to air travel - resulting from the foiling of the "alleged" terrorist plots on 10/8 - starts to abate, I began to wonder whether there was any other way to better organise ourselves on this lovely planet.

The earth is 8,000 miles wide, the world population is 6.5 billion humans, and earth's area is 510 million square kilometers (200 million square miles). Therefore the world-wide human population density is 6500 million / 510 million = 13 per km² (33 per mi²), or 43 per km² (112 per mi²) considering that humans live on land, which forms 150 million km² of the earth. This density rises with the population growth, and some people think there is a limit of what the Earth can support.

So each of us could have our own piece of land measuring 500 feet by 500 feet, and as long as we didn't do anything on our land that impact any of our neighbours, we would all get along famously...

It seems like a big enough space, but if only life were that simple!! So what spoilt it? What didn't might be an easier question to answer...

Almost a miracle....

Apologies if this post is slightly blasphemous as not offence is intended but....

We were due to leave Madeira on the 18.00 hrs flight from Funchal to Gatwick, and had been advised that our taxi would arrive between 1515 & 1530 hrs, to get us to the airport by 1600 hrs.

However, by 1545 no taxi had arrived, and I asked the hotel reception to contact Jesus (OK Cecilia Jesus - out tour rep!) They advised me that Jesus said that she would call back shortly and when she did she advised that the taxi was now on its way to pick us up.

The driver eventually arrived shortly before 1600 hrs, and was very apologetic and claimed that it was not his fault, and then produced a letter given to him by Jesus advising him to pick us up at 1745 hrs!

The journey to the airport took 25 minutes, the flight was due at 1800 hrs - as the say in the US, "...do the math".

An error, or a potential miracle that was never allowed to be?

OK, it was a simple mistake....but not such a good [OK average] story.

Rest of journey was reasonably uneventful - although there were a large number of reasonably well behaved children on the flight in the care (dubious use of the word) of a smaller number of somewhat unruly parents - and then whilst we arrived at Gatwick on time, there was a very long delay (70 minutes) before our luggage arrived.

Was this another mistake? Or given the events that were to unfold the following day, was more going on behind the scenes than we were being told? This could have been the case as were not in fact told anything other than there "...had been a bit of a mistake, and the baggage handlers hadn't been told about the planes's arrival". Teletext? Arrival Board? Normal schedule of plane arrivals? These would have been three good sources of relevant information....or was there some other reason?

The Cliff Bay Hotel, Madeira - A Review

No lengthy review required as our thoughts were summed up as we chatted to our waiter, Tony, on our last evening. He asked if we would return to the Cliff Bay, and when we said that we would he simply said "...Mission accomplished!". That's what there service is like, not seemingly done with a view to increasing the size of their tip, but with a view to you enjoying your stay so that you return!

This standard of service is best shown by Tania, who assists poolside. As you first approach the pool she is already looking to find you a free sun lounger in your chosen area, she then runs to bring you mattresses and umbrellas to place you in the amount of shade that you require, before running off to help somebody else - she is also multilingual ("...would you like another brolly?") a first aider, lifeguard etc etc, and has been at the hotel for seven years.

This is what the hotel provide, good, polite, friendly service.

Whilst the hotel is at the more expensive end of the market, it doesn't take extra advantage of its guests by charging for extras, such as the Spa, Gym etc and provides cocktails/cocktail party, free Madeiran wine-tasting etc etc which make the overall experience even more pleasant.

Could the hotel improve - if one was being harshly critical perhaps. Comfier beds, more restrictions on smoking, and slighly quieter evening entertainment at night (although it does always end by 11.30pm) and...and...well nothing else actually.

A little more Claudier...but no Schiffer

Tuesday - a cloudier day than we've been used to, although still lovely and warm. We decided to take a boat trip in the afternoon on the "Sea-Born" catamaran. A 3-hour trip, which guaranteed the "...sighting of sea-life". Well, as we waited on the side of the Marina, beofre boarding the boat, someone threw a small piece of bread into the sea, and a small feeding frenzy ensued as a small shoal of small fish tried to devour the food. Given that even these fish would be classified as "sea-life", I guess we couldn't now claim under the guarantee whether or not we saw anything else on out trip! (Damn clever these Madeirans!! - See also "When is a drain not a drain...? - When it's a "levada"!")

However, we were not to be disappointed as we saw three separate sightings of dolphins, one sea turtle and some (although not us) claim to have seen a Beluga whale. We then anchored off Cabo Girao - the 2nd/3rd highest (there is some dispute between Madeira and Norway as to whose is highest in Europe) sea cliff in the world, where we stopped for 20 minutes to have a swim in the sea, before returning to our hotel and another (and last) meal in our favourite restaurant...

A balloon ride over Funchal....

Not wanting you to think that all we have done on this holiday is sit in the sun, read, drink, swim, drink, etc - today we ventured into Funchal and did a "walking tour of Architectural sites" and then had a romantic balloon ride over the city!!

It would have been slightly more romantic, had the balloon not been tethered to the ground at all times, but it did rise to 500 feet above the ground, giving great opportunities for some fantastic photos of the scenery below....great opportunities that is for those who had recharged their camera battery the night before, and not so great opportunities for those that didn't. Guess which camp I fell into? Nevertheless, it was a great little trip, and wonderful views....which we have memorized, but alas cannot show you. Unless you click on the following link -

http://www.madeira-web.com/PagesUK/balloon-rides.html

STOP PRESS!! - The batteries actually lasted enough for one shot from the balloon as shown by the ropes in the following shot (which were NOT drawn in using Photoshop for those of you who think that I might be that devious!).

The walking tour was courtesy of the AA guide book that we brought with us, that also led us to a small pavement cafe, where we had an even cheaper lager than at Monte - this time only 2 Euros 50 for two!

I had thought that the AA stood for Automobile Association, but given the fact that it always seems to lead us to some bar or other, maybe it is produced by the other AA?

This evening we have once again booked into the Blue Lagoon restaurant, close to where we go snorkelling and where we have seen varying kinds of exotic fish....which we can now hopefully eat!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!!

Woke [sic] like an Egyptian!

Very spooky start to the day...woke early today at around 9 am, and turned on the TV to 'BBC World' to catch up with the news. There was an article about the discovery an ancient Egyptian mummy thought to be that of Pharaoh Ramses who has been returned home after more than 140 years in North American museums. I look at the wizzened body with preserved, but crusty skin, lying with arms folded across his chest, covered in a simple sheet.....and then I looked up at the television and saw almost the same thing!!! For images of the uncanny likeness please proceed to the link. (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3215747.stm)

How hot is the sea where you are...?

Not only does this blog recount our experiences of holidays, life etc - it is also educational!

We have nearly been bestowed the honorary local titles of "Sea Princess" and "Aqua Boy" (or should that have been "Aqua Buoy"?) - due to the length of time we have spent in the sea - another five hours in or around the sea today - and rather than simply saying that the sea was warm, I thought I'd let you know how warm.

The average sea temperature around the UK coastline is about 12 - 14 degrees - hence why certain less hardy members of the clan, can take it or leave it. But here in sunny Madeira it is 22 degrees. So warm that even some of the fish that we see when snorkelling are actually "battered"!

There are so many decisions to make when on holiday - should I have a beer, ice cream etc etc or which restaurant should we eat in that it almost makes you too tired, but I suppose we'll try to keep it going for another few days. At the moment I'm thinking about going to the gym again..........................there, now I've stopped thinking about that and feel fitter already.

The doctors say the bandages can come off tomorrow....

The sun and other tabloid newspapers often used inappropriate headlines such as this to draw readers in to read fairly mundane articles....and this is the approach the I have used today. Not that today was mundane....but there was plenty of Sun!

After yet another restless night of only 9 hours sleep, we woke to another day of blue skies (is there more than one sky?) and warm temperatures.

After a light breakfast of muesli and orange juice (I had a less than light breakfast of egg, bacon tomatoes, hash browns & mushrooms) we went out for a short walk, convincing waiting taxi drivers along the way that we didn't want to take a trip in their very reasonably priced taxi, on what we were sure were very pleasant tours - we just WANTED TO GO FOR A WALK! Thank you.

After our brief sojourn, we spent the afternoon perfecting our burns/tan with a combination of sunabathing and snorkelling. The sea was quite rough, but I generally managed to bob around on the surface for a reasonable period of time and long enough to see huge shoals of fish of varying sizes and colours. One shoal that we both saw, numbered in excess of 150 fish which were this big......


.....sorry for the short delay, I just hit Teresa in the head when I was showing you how big the fish were!

Anyway, they eventually put the yellow flag up, indicating that if you continued you were swimming at your own risk - little did they know that I am always swimming at my own risk, and for that matter anybody close to me who I might grab hold in an effort to stay afloat!!!

In the evening we had another fantastic meal (Dinner dance again...and Gladys was there. This time she led all dancers in a small conga to a Portugese rendition of "...Is this the way to Amarillo?) in the poshest of the 3 restaurants, where I had to borrow a tie to meet the requisite dress code.

More tomorrow......

Three pints of lager and a packet of crisps

Friday actually started with me visiting - and using the Gym - where I managed to run off sufficient calories to enable me to have a second rasher of bacon with my breakfast!

It was yet another hot day and we decided to do a little more exploring in and around Funchal. We took the courtesy bus from the hotel into the centre of Funchal - (where the driver seemed to take the "alternative" route!) and then went in search of the local market -Mercado dos Lavrodores. The market was truly "local" with wonderful traditional produce - fruit, vegetables, flowers and fish - being sold to locals and visitors alike. The fish market was amazing, especially the razor-sharp teeth and large staring eyes of the scabbard fish and the hugh tuna fish being gutted and filleted with consumate ease by the local fishermen.

After the market we went on the cable car (14 Euros round trip) to Monte where the we visited the Monte Palace Tropical Gardens set out in 6 hectares (whatever a hectare is) of the hillside - very impressive!

However before (and after) visiting the gardens, we found a small bar at the top of the cable car and decided to have two lagers. Teresa almost had a small altercation with the woman behind the bar where she tried to haggle over the price of the beer. The woman was trying to charge 3 Euros for both beers, Teresa was trying to pay 3 Euros for each, and she can be quite insistent. Eventually, Teresa gave in and we sat in the sun, enjoying fantastic views over Funchal drinking our beer and I sat pondering how cheap it was in comparison with our hotel. (Where we pay about 8 Euros for two (small) beers - and the more we drink, the happier we are to do so!!) I was able to work out - although the alcohol may have started to impede the operation of my brain cells - that if we sat and drank 3 pints of lager (and ate a packet of crisps) each, we would have saved sufficient to pay for the cable car, when compared with the amount that we would have been charged in the hotel. Well here goes.....

On returning to Funchal later we visited the Cathedral and then a wine lodge. Possibly should have done that in reverse order - (with a quick visit to the "Confessional") - before returning the hotel where Teresa had a long swim in the sea, and I had a short splash in the pool.

We then had a visit to the sauna/steam room/spa before an evening meal - seafood buffet of every kind of sea food you could imagine....I wonder if the Gym is still open?

The man from Health & Safety says No!!!

For those of you who have experienced the Monte Toboggan ride, the following response from the Health & Safety Executive in the UK, will come as little surprise to you.... "Dear Sir,

I write in response to your request to commence the operation of a Madeiran style "toboggan" run in the UK, and whilst rejecting your application I have also set out the necessary amendments to your proposal that would be required prior to me considering your request again.

I would like to add that I found elements of your proposal disturbing and so dangerous that I cannot believe that this activity would be sanctioned in this or any other civilised country. Whilst you claim (and I use this word advisedly) that it has operated satisfactorily in Madeira for the last 100 years, I find this very hard to believe.

Amendments required: -

1. Construction of toboggan to be changed from "wicker-like" material to carbon fibre.
2. Roll bars, air-bags, dual disc brakes & 3-point seat belts to be installed.
3. All participants to where crash helmets at all times.
4. A more satisfactory steering mechanism to be installed replacing your laughable suggestion of steering the vehicle with pieces of rope attached to runners!!
5. The tobaggon run to be free of any traffic and/or onlookers.
6. The incline of the slope to be no more than 10 degrees to ensure that the vehicle does not exceed a speed of 8 mph
7. All sides of the "course" to be clad in foam rubber to minimise the possibility of any injury or damage.

Once the above has been achieved I will be willing to re-consider, but in no way can I guarantee that I will not have thought of some additional requirements that you will need to fulfill, to stop you from having any fun.

Yours blah, blah, blah

HSE

The sights of Madeira

Thursday began quite strangely. Waking up quite early I could hear a strange sound in the distance, coming from the direction of the sea. I decided to sit out on the balcony for a while to see if the sound got any clearer, but it was only when the wind blew in the direction of the hotel, that it was possible hear anything at all. Could it be the sound attributed by "sailors of old" to that of the mermaids, singing on the rocks? I sat and listened for what seemed like hours, slowly piecing together the fragments of the intermittent sounds.

...Finally after some time, the words slowly began to fit into place...

"...Oh tell your Aunt Louise, tell anything you please
Myself already knows that I'm okay
Oh you can tell my eyes to watch out for my mind
It might be walking out on me today

But don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
I just don't think it'd understand
And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
He might blow up and kill this man..."

I looked down, and there about 100 feet below, Gladys was still dancing all alone and singing to herself as she danced!!

The rest of the morning was taken up with more swimming in the sea, before we set out on an organised tour in the afternoon.

The tour which lasted over three and a half hours took us to both Monte; were we took the infamous toboggan ride - being pushed down a steep hill for 2km in what amounted to a glorified bread basket - but great fun! - and then onto the Nun's Refuge; a view over a remote village, high up in the hills and reached by ascending 52 hairpin bends.

A great trip which, when over, also allowed us enough time to have yet another swim in the sea!

Over a beer or two in the evening I began to think that there was possibly a business opportunity to set up something akin to the toboggan ride in the UK...which I will expand on more in a blog entitled "The man from Health and Safety says No!!"

A tribute to the uninhibited!

Wednesday was a fairly quiet day for us, with most of the day spent by the side of the pool in the Spa - and sometimes in it!

During the evening we managed to force ourselves to partake in another "free offering" from the hotel - yet again involving drinking - this time in the form of a Madeira wine tasting. Looking around the small group of participants at the end of an interesting talk, Teresa and I appeared to be the only couple who had finished all of their drink - so what does that say about us? We're participative?

After a few glasses of wine, and some accompanying Honey cake and cheese we headed off for a dinner dance - Alfresco down by the sea at the Blue Lagoon restaurant. It must be said that our motivation was more dinner orientated than dance, but sadly this was not the case for all attendees. The food was superb...the music was....less so...the dancing was...interesting!

The highlight of the evening, (where the music was nothing if not eclectic, ranging from classical to contemporary, Wolfgang Amadeus to Billy Ray Cyrus) was when the dancefloor full of couples dancing a slow number was joined by a solitary dancer who when the music changed to "Achy Breaky Heart" by the aforementioned Billy Ray, went into full line dancing mode. Hands clapping under alternate knees, left hand touching right heel behind her back etc etc, and just as in the Musical "Fame" all dancers joined in lines behind her copying her every move.....well in her mind they did. In fact they all carried on dancing their slow shuffle, whilst she pranced around like a loon, constantly looking around for people to join her. By this time her husband was in the lift on his way back to his room on the eighth floor, so she didn't stand a chance....Great entertainment for us though!

If you can't stand the heat....don't sit in the sun for so long!!!

If we needed a soundtrack for our first Tuesday in Madeira, it would most probably have been as follows: -

1. Making your mind up - Bucks Fizz
2. Swim - Madonna
3. Burn baby burn - The Trammps
4. The long and winding road - Beatles
5. Take it easy - Eagles
6. Theme tune from Schindler's list - John Williams

We started with breakfast, that included everything that you could have asked for, including champagne for making bucks fizz, and then went for a tour of the Spa.

The hotel has a number of different pools, as well as a jetty and small pontoon to swim out to, and so we did a spot of sunbathing and then swimming in the sea, which even this virtually non-swimmer blogger was able to enjoy, due to the buoyancy of the very salty sea water. Having now washed all remaining traces of sun cream off we then had a little more time in the sun, to ensure that we would be able to achieve that very special shade of red - known in artists' circles as 'Burnt Skin'!!

We then took a stroll into town. Our travel rep (who was called Jesus, and who was actually a woman!), told us that there were two routes into town - which I shall for evermore describe as the "straight" route and the "alternative" route. Teresa, however describes them as the "right" route and the "wrong" route - guess which one I chose?

On the way back - we only had time for an ice-cream in Funchal! - we stopped to buy some water, as we were now dehydrating, and some cheap wine. The water was good value, as it tasted of water. The wine may have been good value, it's just that I don't know how much paint thinners usually costs.....!

In the evening we had a cocktail party, where we spent as much time as we could avoiding a couple from Poland who were getting very slowly drunk - how Eastern European, you'd never hic, catch us hic, doing that...hic...hic...!

Then a light evening meal and a relatively early night - where I spent a number of hours looking at my glow-in-the-dark legs!

One little thing I noticed in the hotel was that the company who made the elevators is "Schindlers", so each day we go up and down in Schindlers' lifts!!!

What kind of rice would you like with that Mr President.....?

Has anybody noticed the appearance of a new rice recently? First we had pilau, then basmati, long grain, short grain etc. etc.

Now we have Condi Rice!

Why has there been the need to shorten a name like Condoleezza to Condi? The answer is good old George Dubbleya!

Many of us are familiar with some of his recent gaffes such as: -

• "I'm going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess, it's the mother in me."
• "I think it's very important for the American President to mean what he says. That's why I understand that the enemy could misread what I say. That's why I try to be as clearly I can."
• "Our enemies are extremly resourceful and intuitive, and so are we! Our enemies will stop at nothing to make America suffer, and neither do we!"
• "there is no doubt in my mind... not one doubt... That we will fail!"

Well, recently when introducing Ms Rice to the UN Security Council he called her Condescending Rice, [which has now spurned the use of the informal term "...a bit Condi" - to mean "...condescending in nature..."] and he has subsequently been advised to shorten as many words as possible - hence Condi.

This may also explain the recently overheard conversation between Dubbleya and Tony Blair - with the now infamous "Yo Blair" greeting.

But did "Yo!" mean "Hello!" or was this yet another abbreviation? Could Dubbleya have a pet name for Tony? Could he think that his surname is Bear and not Blair? You know that all of this is possible! And so, I now declare that Dubbleya calls Tony Blair "Yogi" in private, which he abbreviates to "Yo" in public.

In response, does Tony refer to Dubbleya as "Boo boo", or is this just a description of everything he does and everything he says......?

Let them eat cake....

As we landed at "Aeroporto da Madeira" a ripple of applause broke out amongst the passengers, which was a mixture of genuine appreciation for the skill of the pilot from first time visitors, and somewhat "Condi" in nature [please see "What kind of rice would you like with that Mr President?..." for an explanation of "Condi" terminology] for those that had been before.

For those in the know, they realised that the pilot was simply following the "alternative instructions" from the airline pilots' manual which read: -

1. Fly south past the airport to show passengers how short the runway is,
2. Bank to the right, ensuring that right wing tip points directly at the sea (which seems very close) below,
3. As you approach the airport ensure that altitude is below the height of the runway above (yes this is possible!),
4. As you complete final approach rock plane from side to side to simulate a strong cross-wind,
5. At the last minute rise to a height of 10 feet above that of the runway and touch down gently,
6. Listen to applause from first time visitors to the island in the cabin behind!

The dead calm seas, clear blue skies and the flags hanging limply from their flagpoles gave away the fact that conditions for landing were "perfect", but this seemed to be missed by many around us, who were just grateful to arrive safely.

Luggage arrived quickly and driver was waiting to take us to the hotel, which appeared at first glance (and thankfully second, third and all subsequent glances) to be exactly as described in the brochure... quite luxurious.

More later, but for now coffee is called for and possibly some Madeira cake....