The Ashes - Day 5

Sorry....did I say that this game is not yet over yesterday?

...well it is now!!

Australia win by 277 runs

The Ashes - The "Fat Aussie Bird" has stopped singing - Day 4

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Some pride's been restored
But keep batting we must

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
KP's bat's a-swinging
But who else can he trust?

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Just bat all day tommorow
This game's not yet lost

Aus 602 - 9 (dec) & 202 - 1 (dec)
England 157 & 293 - 6

The Ashes - I think it's all over! - Day 3

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussies bowl out England
Our spirit is bust

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussies keep batting
Their victory's a must

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Ponting's going for records
And England.........

....might just let him.

England 157 all out
Australia 602 - 9 & 181 - 1

The Ashes - Have we surrendered? - Day 2

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussie Bats are swinging
And they're kicking Pommie buts!

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Freddy's got 4 wickets
He's the only one with guts

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussie's declare at 602 - 9
Who can England trust?

Answer to last question is....

NOT Strauss or Cooke or Collingwood or...

Play ends with England on 53 - 3, only 549 behind!! But, didn't we lose the first Test last year? Perhaps this is all part of a great Master Plan to lull the Aussies into a false sense of security. Oh no, I've started to see PPFO's (Pink & Porky Flying Objects)!

The Ashes - Let Battle Commence - Day 1

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Harmison's bowling
I suppose he must

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Get the WD40
Coz Harmy's got rust!

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
England's best bowlers
Leave Aussies nonplussed

Australia finish on 334 - 3

A flash in the pan or.............?

Today, Moog & I went to Twickenham to watch England beat South Africa 23 - 21 in a tense, scrappy, less than impressive match, but one which despite all this England won, thereby ending a string of seven defeats. It was a great day, and the enlarged Twickenham is even more impressive than before, and was attended by a crowd of 80,000+ fans.

Whether or not England deserved to win is open to question, but the defining moment in the game is shown below. Josh Lewsey ran the length of the pitch to catch and tackle Jean de Villiers with a thundering "hit" which sent him flying into touch inches from the try line.

Formula for successful day:

Twickenham + Swing Low Sweet Chariot + National Anthem + Moog + double sausage baguette + beer + Josh Lewsey + England victory = Happiness

Batty about The Belfry

Today was the day that I finally got to play the world famous 'Brabazon' golf course at The Belfry.

I arrived early at 8am - two and a half hours before we were due to tee off - and went for some much needed practice on the driving range, where they had a machine that set up each ball on the tee for you so that you didn't even have to bend down. This which was particularly good as I had bought a big basket of balls as I needed the practice!

Our original four-ball had turned into a three-ball by the time we headed for the first tee. Nick had a 12 handicap, Simon 24 and me 26.

Standing on the first tee on such a course is very daunting, a few people were watching, and whilst the hole on paper was fairly straightforward - 370 yards and straight - the nerves soon started to take effect. Ball placed on tee, head down, club swung back and then....thwak! The contact had not been good, the ball had been "topped" and when I looked to see where it had gone, I saw that it had only just reached the women's tee! A distance of about 25 feet! What a relief...that is, what a (albeit unsporting) relief that it was Simon who had gone first.

Thankfully, and quite luckily my first shot went "straight down the middle for 200+ yards and I ended the hole with a net par 4.

The rest of the round was extremely enjoyable - some reasonable holes, a few poor ones, but enough good shots to remember the day positively. Whilst not my best hole of the day, the one that I shall remember most was the eighteenth where I ended with a net par 4.

Approaching the green from the other side of the lake with the Belfry hotel in the background was an amazing setting. To land on the green and then take just 2 puts was the icing on the cake.

Move over Nostrodamos - IV

“Former England star Bill Beaumont returns to the pitch for England v All Blacks match” was the sub heading in the Evening Standard article about England's record defeat againts the All Blacks.

Whilst Beaumont didn't actually play in the match (I believe solely due to the difficulty of arranging death in service insurance for a 55 year old) the above article did state that: -

“Bill Beaumont was among a group of England greats parading around the pitch and Robinson will be forgiven for wishing he could have called upon their services on the field of play”

Accurate enough?

A matter of course(s)

In a further attempt to gain some practice ahead of my planned visit to The Belfry in November, Moog & I had a round of golf at Horsham Golf Park. Now, Horsham is a municipal pay & play course and is described as follows:

"Horsham, which opened its doors in 1993, is a short but challenging parkland course with several water features to catch out the unwitting golfer. It is ideal for players new to the game and those who are slightly more skilled.
The course comprises a selection of tricky par threes and greens that are well protected by various different hazards."

Whereas, the Brabazon course at the Belfry is described thus: -

"Legendary in the world of Golf, the Brabazon course has tested many of the games greats, Faldo, Ballesteros and Woods to name a few and is regarded throughout the world as a great championship course. Having hosted the Ryder Cup matches an unprecedented four times, it is a course that every golfer aspires to play.

To follow in the footsteps of the world's greatest ever players is something that sends a tingle down your spine."

As for the last point - so does 240 volts, but it doesn't mean that the experience is either good for you or enjoyable!

Anyway due to the similarity between the descriptions of the two courses we decided that the former would be a suitable test. The net result (minus the technical shots that couldn't be counted) was a round of 57 which is spookily the same number of golf balls that I'll probably lose at The Belfry!!

Corporate (in)hospitality

I have recently been invited to play a round (or should that be around?) of golf at a municipal pay and play course in the Midlands called - rather pretentiously - “The Belfry”.

Given that my golf is, even at the best of times, so rusty that no amount of WD40 would ease it I decided to get some practice in.

I therefore played 18 holes at Rookwood Golf Course near Horsham, which turned out to be a slow tedious affair, as similarly “proficiently challenged” Horsham folk decided to engage in an attempt at the world record for slow walking in open spaces.

Despite the tedium, I managed to convince myself that I had only taken 102 shots, a record low for me! For anyone who was on the course at the same time as me and who wants a technical explanation of the reason why I didn't count the additional 12 shots that I appeared to take during the round, please send a S.A.E to 'The Editor', Get a Life Magazine, PO Box 508 508, MK36 2FO, together with a cheque for £48!

A night of two sporting disasters...or The Graduate revisited

Whilst one of the "disasters" simply related to an England Goalkeeper attempting - and failing with a spectacular mis-kick - to clear a back-pass which resulted in an own goal and ultimate defeat in the match; the other "disaster" was far more serious as it involved the death of a famous baseball star as his light aircraft crashed into a high rise building in New York. Both events (strangely) made me think of the lyrics to the theme tune of the film “The Graduate”.

Here, in a slightly amended form, are the lyrics in question: -

It's coz of your misses Robinson,
That Croats love you more than you will know.
Could you please miss the [team] buses Robinson.
Zagreb holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey

We'd like to know a little bit about your for our files
We'd like to help you learn to kick yourself.
Look around you all you see are unsympathetic eyes,
Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home.

It's coz of your misses Robinson.
That Croats love you more than you will know.
Could you please miss the [team] buses Robinson.
Zagreb holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey

Hide it [the VT] in a hiding place where no one ever goes.
Put it in your pantry with your cup mistakes.
It's no more a secret - it's the Robinson "affair".
Most of all you've got to hide it from [Dennis] Norden's kids.

Koo-koo-ka-choo, Goalie Robinson,
The Croats love you more than you will know.
Could you please miss the [team] buses Robinson.
Zagreb holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon.
Not going to the selection debate.
Laugh about it, shout about it
When they've got to choose
Every way you look at this you lose.

Where have you gone, Cory Liddle Oh,
Our nation turns it's lonely eyes to you.
What's that you say, Mr. Robinson.
Cory's left and now he's flown away,
Hey hey hey.

A day in the Oval office

I spent today in a very enjoyable 8 hour meeting with Solicitors. Enjoyable as the meeting venue was quite conducive to open discussion, the refreshments provided were very good, and in the breaks they provided us with an opportunity to have a good look at the things going on around us.

Or to put it another way, I was taken to the England v Pakistan Test match at the Oval.

It was an interesting day and summed up Britain in many ways.

We queued in an orderly fashion to get into the ground and took our seats in good time for the start of the match at 11.00 am.

The first ball of the match was bowled by Pakistan who had won the toss and had elected to field. Then the second ball was bowled and then...it started raining and play was stopped for half an hour or so.

Eventually the game restarted, and was a bit “on-off” for a while, but then the weather started to improve and the sun came out. At this point the umpires decided that lunch should be taken so the game came to a halt again.

Given the loss in play, did they decide to have a shorter lunch break, so that the fee paying (OK so I didn't pay!) crowd could get there monies worth? No.

Therefore it was time for a drink from the bar.

There are many rules at the Oval: -

1. Alcohol is prohibited from being taken into the ground.
2. The maximum number of drinks that can be bought in any one "round" is 4.
3. The bar has to close for 90 minutes following the resumption of play after lunch.

Do any of these rules reduce drunkeness? Well quite the opposite actually, as people seem encouraged to visit the bar more than they would normally, but at least 4 drinks each and line them up in case they get thirsty.

Having already won the series, great things were expected of England, and they soon set about lowering those expectations with a great demonstration of ineptitude. There also seemed to be another rule at the Oval that linked the roars of the crowd to welcome a new batsman, with the subsequent performance of that batsman.

e.g. Big cheer for Kevin Petersen - out first ball; Biggest cheer of the day for Monty Panesar - clean bowled first ball!!

Eventually England were all out for 170 ish. (Do the alcohol restrictions help people remember the score accurately? Clearly not.) Well the added bonus of watching England get “skittled” out (is this a valid term if they were not actually playing skittles? Would they have faired better if they had been?) is that we then had the chance to see England cause Pakistan the same sort of problems that Pakistan had caused England.

Matthew Hoggard bowled the first ball, and then the second...unfortunately this time it didn't start raining and play wasn't stopped!

It is probably worth pointing out at this point to all those of you that haven't been to a live cricket match that for approximately 95% of the game......you cannot actually see the ball! In fact some of the time I think that all of the players may have been miming, and acting out some sporting equivalent of "The Emporers New Clothes". "Did you see that good shot, old chap?" "Course I did, old chap". "Did the ball hit his pads?" etc etc - There was no ball!! it was all pretend!

Pakistan started to score freely.With England doing as badly at bowling as they had done at batting, the crowd - Ok the “barmy army” within the crowd - started to play their own games.

There were many failed attempts to start Mexican Waves - which didn't please those trying to start them;

There was the appearance of a very large beach ball which was kept in the air by the crowd for a long time until it was confiscated by a steward - which wasn't appreciated by large sections of the “barmy army”;

There were competitions where plastic beer glasses (PBGs) were “stacked” as high as possible - reaching heights in excess of 10 feet, making them wave around in the breeze like giant...like giant...like giant stack of plastic beer glasses. In a steward pincer movement, the PBG balancers were surrounded, and the offending PBGs were also confiscated. Aforementioned “barmy army” didn't seem to like this either and PBG's started to be thrown. Police moved in, one PBG balancer was removed from the ground etc etc

Clearly very irritated by now, the "barmy army" started singing "community songs" - classics such as "Three pound an hour, three pound an hour - you're only on three pound an hour"; (This was aimed at the stewards, and seemed to imply that they weren't even worth the minimum wage, whereas the bright green jackets that they were wearing, emblazoned with "The Green Team" on the back, tried to give the impression that they were some sort of crack /elite unit!) and "What's your name, what's your name, what's your name" etc etc. (which seemed to imply absolutely nothing at all).

Now it was at this point as more police moved in to deal with certain individuals within the barmy army that I thought that very soon the cameras would soon turn from the inaction on the pitch, to the action in the stands. Action that was actually going on all around me...and if this happened and my face appeared on the cricket high(low)lights for all to see...how would I explain the 'All day meeting with Solicitors' entry in my office diary?

Time to make a sharp exit.

Be careful what you wish for....

Did anybody notice the article in yesterday's Evening Standard (apologies for the South Eastern bias in this Blog) in the Sports section. Dean Ashton was being interviewed and he was quoted as saying that he was looking forward to "...his big break in the England Squad....".

How right he was!!!