A matter of course(s)

In a further attempt to gain some practice ahead of my planned visit to The Belfry in November, Moog & I had a round of golf at Horsham Golf Park. Now, Horsham is a municipal pay & play course and is described as follows:

"Horsham, which opened its doors in 1993, is a short but challenging parkland course with several water features to catch out the unwitting golfer. It is ideal for players new to the game and those who are slightly more skilled.
The course comprises a selection of tricky par threes and greens that are well protected by various different hazards."

Whereas, the Brabazon course at the Belfry is described thus: -

"Legendary in the world of Golf, the Brabazon course has tested many of the games greats, Faldo, Ballesteros and Woods to name a few and is regarded throughout the world as a great championship course. Having hosted the Ryder Cup matches an unprecedented four times, it is a course that every golfer aspires to play.

To follow in the footsteps of the world's greatest ever players is something that sends a tingle down your spine."

As for the last point - so does 240 volts, but it doesn't mean that the experience is either good for you or enjoyable!

Anyway due to the similarity between the descriptions of the two courses we decided that the former would be a suitable test. The net result (minus the technical shots that couldn't be counted) was a round of 57 which is spookily the same number of golf balls that I'll probably lose at The Belfry!!

Corporate (in)hospitality

I have recently been invited to play a round (or should that be around?) of golf at a municipal pay and play course in the Midlands called - rather pretentiously - “The Belfry”.

Given that my golf is, even at the best of times, so rusty that no amount of WD40 would ease it I decided to get some practice in.

I therefore played 18 holes at Rookwood Golf Course near Horsham, which turned out to be a slow tedious affair, as similarly “proficiently challenged” Horsham folk decided to engage in an attempt at the world record for slow walking in open spaces.

Despite the tedium, I managed to convince myself that I had only taken 102 shots, a record low for me! For anyone who was on the course at the same time as me and who wants a technical explanation of the reason why I didn't count the additional 12 shots that I appeared to take during the round, please send a S.A.E to 'The Editor', Get a Life Magazine, PO Box 508 508, MK36 2FO, together with a cheque for £48!

A Dummy's Guide to Computer Cleaning

Today was a reasonable today and was only spoiled when a colleague advocated removing the keys from my computer keyboard to aid its cleaning.

Clearly she wasn't suggesting that all the keys be removed in one go - as we both decided that other than the QWERTY keys, we might not be able to replace all of the keys in the right order (unless we copied another keyboard of course).

I only took one key off - the space-bar - only to be confronted by 4 years' of "debris" - dust, food, grime and various human "matter" - eyelashes, nails, hair - (who knows from where!) congealed in every nook and cranny.

It is fair to say that if Annie & Aggie ever host a programme called "How clean is your keyboard?" mine would be a candidate for the environmental computer scrapheap. After deciding that I couldn't face removing any more keys, I put the space-bar back.

Needless to say, it failed to work properly thereafter - either not depressing at all (in fact I was the only one that was depressed) or sticking down when pressed, producing line after line of spaces.

If anyone is ever tempted to try this, let me give you one piece of advice... DON'T DO IT!

Sweet dreams are made of....? What?

I'm sure that there are many theories relating to factors which increase the liklihood of an individual remembering his or her dreams. However, whilst I am clearly sad enough to do the research I currently just don't have the time.

So, why is it that when I wake up in the middle of the night I can often remember that I have just had a vivid and detailed dream, and that whilst I'm lying in that half asleep state I can, to a degree, continue experiencing (in my mind!) certain elements of it. However, as soon as I open my eyes, the memory is wiped. It is the equivalent of typing “> format c:” on a computer, everything goes!

Now, I suppose I could experiment by keeping my eyes shut to see if there link between eyelid and the “format brain - (or at least the dream storage part of it) function”. However, the usual reason for the mid-night wakening is to pay a visit to the “smallest room”, and whilst usually keen to take part in any scientific study which benefits mankind in general, I am also aware that: -

Sleepy + Hurry + Closed Eyes + Low Ceiling = Concussion + Dopey + Memory Loss

Therefore, whichever course I take, memory loss appears to be a constant, although one has less potential for bruising!

Looking back at the above formula, for some reason “snippets” of last nights dream are coming back to me. Snow White and five of her dwarfs (should that be “dwarves"? or alternatively “D-warfs”?) featured. But where were the other two dwarfs?, what were they doing?, and why was Snow White reading Prima magazine and an article that began with “O”?

Oh well, let's see what happens tonight........

Can my friend Derek come home to tea?

It was announced today (Yes, today being October 24th 2006) that 38 years after he first appeared on TV, Basil Brush has been nominated for a children's Bafta.

It seems that (Boom! Boom!) Basil, whilst making a tremendous contribution to society in his early years, has yet to receive the public acclaim that he so richly deserves.

I know what you're thinking, young Basil and I seem to have so much in common.

This reminds me of an incident about 17 years ago, when our son (who was finding his feet at Infant School) came home one afternoon, and asked if he could bring his new friend “Derek", home for tea. On asking his teacher, the following day what Derek was like, she appeared somewhat amused, and explained that Derek was her partner (and was in his 50's), and visited the school to hear the children read. In fact Derek, turned out to be Derek Fowldss aka "Mr Derek" of Basil Brush fame.

Whilst an extremely pleasant man, he never did come home for tea!

“...I see” said the blind man, who could not see at all

Whilst there has been much comment over recent days regarding David Blunket's autobiography, which has been serialised in the national papers - detailing, in varying degrees, blind stupidity, love blindness and general blind panic on occasions (how else would you describe the fact that he allegedly told the head of HM Prisons to “machine-gun” the rioting inmates) - the following story has similar components but in a totally different set of circumstances.

A blind and deaf man who cannot drive has been sent a £60 speeding fine.

Police claimed Martyn Styles, 42, who says he has never sat behind the wheel of a car, was caught in a speed trap doing 36 mph in a 30 mph area in Hull.

Mr Styles, of Tunbridge Wells, was also told he would have three points put on his licence - even though he doesn't have one. He said his wife Dawn drives their Renault Scenic Privilege but on the day of the offence the family was at their nine-year-old son's school - 180 miles from Hull.

New home for the “Hamster”?

Richard Hammond has started to explain how close to death he came, and what the period after the accident was really like, in an article in the Daily Mirror. He explains that his severe injury reduced him to a "child-like state" in which he became obsessed with Lego, which he also said helped him recover.

Given the Hamster's diminutive size, I can imagine Jeremy Clarkson, responding that it is perhaps a little early for Hammond to be building himself a new home!

Words & figures differ

As we all know there are differences (sometimes subtle, sometimes not) between the English language and that spoken by people in America (which they refer to as English, but which is clearly not!).

For example - 'Pants', in English refers to an item of underwear (usually a lady's), whereas in American it means trousers, the 'Second Floor' in an America building, refers to the 'First Floor' in an English one, and so on. Therefore if you are looking for a pair of pants in an American department store and ask for directions, and an assistant tells you that they can be found on the Second Floor, forget it, you'll never find them (although on the floor below you may find some nice trousers!).

Now, if you do something that you will never have been asked to do before, (and will never be asked to do again), that is, transpose the word "pants" with the words "...weapons of mass destruction", you may begin to realise how it why it was almost (OK totally) impossible to find them.

Such confusion is also seen in numbers. Look at the difference in the following numerical terms: -

1. A British "billion", is an American "trillion"
2. A British "trillion", is an American "quintillion", and
3. A British "quintillion", is an American "nonillion".

Clearly coincidentally, the impact of the above differences means that whenever an American company compares its level of profits with that of their British competitors, they appear bigger and more successful.

It is therefore not surprising that good(?) old George Dublya gets confused on occasions.

Recently, one of George's aides woke him up in the middle of the night to
advise him that in the past 24 hours 4 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in
Iraq. George put his head in his hands and exclaimed "...that is terrible!"
George, looking slightly puzzled, then asked "...exactly how many is a
Brazilian?"

God bless America!

Child prodigy - Part 2

Today we have seen the following news item appear, and the only thing that is amazing about it is that it has taken scientists so long to develop something that I was personally demonstrating in 1965!

The article states that: -

A US-British team of scientists has successfully tested a cloak of invisibility in the laboratory.
The device mostly hid a small copper cylinder from microwaves in tests at Duke University, North Carolina.
It works by deflecting the microwaves around the object and restoring them on the other side, as if they had passed through empty space.

The cloak consists of 10 fibreglass rings covered with copper elements and is classed as a "metamaterial" - an artificial composite that can be engineered to produce a desired change in the direction of electromagnetic waves.

The articles also said “...But making an object vanish before a person's eyes is still the stuff of science fiction - for now”.

Who are they trying to kid! My family has long known that when I was 5, I made a horse invisible (albeit that they diminish this achievement by simply saying that I had an invisible horse - which is clearly something quite different). Proof of this achievement, was evidenced by the fact that when I had to "...let go of the reins", to tie my shoelace or something, whoever was with me would take hold of them, so that the horse wouldn't run off!

An unhealthy interest in current affairs

T has been taking a lot of interest in the spate (is this derived from the past tense of to spit? e.g. “I was spitting...” or “...I spate”) of recent news items relating to both prison overcrowding and the fact that convicted murderers are being released early, and then often committing further heinous crimes.

Such an interest in current affairs is admirable, but to be heard muttering “...none of them has served a 26 year sentence!” as she handed me a wedding anniversary card, slightly took the edge off what was otherwise a very happy day.

Some might say “...Harsh, but fair!”

One day in history

The following (mundane) entry was the one I submitted as part of the 'History Matters' blog to capture "a day in the life of..." ordinary UK citizens.

Alarm went off as usual at 5.40 am, although today I “snoozed" for another 10 minutes before getting up. By 6.15, having washed and dressed, I was in the car for the 10 minute drive to Horsham station. The temperature was a very mild 14 degrees. After buying my "usual" Earl Grey tea in the station cafe, I caught the 6.35 train to London Bridge. The train, as was becoming more commonplace, arrived on time, and I settled down for the 70 minute journey, on this 13 stop service. I spent the journey compiling this blog on my BlackBerry and preparing for the workshop that I was to attend. We arrived at London Bridge station at 7.48 and then I took the Jubilee line train to Canary Wharf and reached my desk at 8.15. A door to door journey time of 2 hours - pretty much as usual.
My "work" day started at 8.30 am with a breakfast meeting, a combination of HR compliance issues and sausage baguettes - one of which I enjoyed thoroughly.
The bulk of the day was taken up with a workshop held in 1 Canada Square, the UK's tallest building, which ended at 5.30 pm, so managed to get home by 7.30 pm.
The evening was a combination of workshop preparation, evening meal, and TV, before going to bed just before midnight, so that a good five hours sleep could be had before the next days events began again!!

The dangers of identity theft

The news this morning contained a report about the dangers and consequences of identity theft in the UK.

Apparently 46% of adults in the UK still throw away bank statements in the rubbish bin, and 30% credit card statements. Armed with such information, thieves are able to “assume” the identity of people and successfully apply for credit in their name.

This news item was particularly relevant as our Education correspondent (and daughter) LLBB lost her handbag on Saturday, which contained bank books, credit cards etc.

What if somebody steals her identity?

She was due to come home this weekend, but if someone has stolen her identity, who knows who might turn up? What do we say to them if we don't think its her? Do we let them in to see whether they are tidier, cheaper etc than the real LLBB, or what?

They are right when they say that identity fraud is difficult to deal with. Let's hope that somebody hands LLBB's handbag into the authorities!


NEWS FLASH!! - THE HANDBAG HAS BEEN HANDED IN!! LLBB'S IDENTITY IS SAFE...OR SO WE HAVE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE

A glorious Autumn day in the woods

What a wonderful day....

Despite being mid October, today was one of warm temperatures and bright blue skies, and we decided to visit Winkworth Arboretum with [the] Moog, Ali & Barkley. Whilst the trees weren't exhibiting their full range of Autumn colours, the weather was so glorious that it was too good a day to miss.

If you ever get the hump!

If you ever get the hump, when all around you (or all THOSE around you) get you down; when everything that everyone does seems designed to cause you trouble, angst or upset, think about this amazing photograph. The phto was taken directly above a camel train in the desert, when the sun was low in the sky. And as you look at the picture remember that you shouldn't take things for granted and that they are not always as they seem. Sometimes they are quite simply amazing...

The black shapes are the shadows...the camels are beige!

An audience with the Queen

Whilst I am not particularly suspicious I did wonder what this Friday 13th would bring...

When T suggested this afternoon that we go to "...see The Queen" this evening, I was initially taken aback thinking that our royal connections were about to be re-established again.

However, it transpired that it was the movie, starring Helen Mirren & Michael Sheen, that was being referred to, and which was showing in Crawley.

When I arrived back in Horsham station car park, having taken my usual commute from London to Horsham, I was pleased that the day - Friday 13th - had been uneventful with no major or minor disaster occurring. As I walked into the station car park I couldn't remember where in the car park I had parked my car that morning. Until I remembered... I had parked it in Gatwick Airport!! I therefore had to get the train back to Gatwick and then drive to the cinema in Crawley. Suspicious me? Well, maybe.

However, the film was excellent and the travel difficulties were soon forgotten. Michael Sheen was excellent as Tony Blair, and I'm not sure whether Helen Mirren was playing the Queen or vice versa, she was that good. The film itself covers at the interaction between HM Elizabeth II and Prime Minister Tony Blair during their struggle, following the death of Diana, to reach a compromise between what was a private tragedy for the Royal family and the public's demand for an overt display of mourning.

My memories of Princess Di's funeral brought back painful memories for me too. We were watching the funeral in S&N's house and whilst holding a mug of hot black coffee in my left hand, somebody asked me what the time was. Just as anybody would do (anybody with only half a brain cell that is) I turned my wrist to look at my watch pouring boiling hot coffee into my lap.

I therefore spent the next 15 minutes of the funeral having a cold shower. Such painful memories....

A night of two sporting disasters...or The Graduate revisited

Whilst one of the "disasters" simply related to an England Goalkeeper attempting - and failing with a spectacular mis-kick - to clear a back-pass which resulted in an own goal and ultimate defeat in the match; the other "disaster" was far more serious as it involved the death of a famous baseball star as his light aircraft crashed into a high rise building in New York. Both events (strangely) made me think of the lyrics to the theme tune of the film “The Graduate”.

Here, in a slightly amended form, are the lyrics in question: -

It's coz of your misses Robinson,
That Croats love you more than you will know.
Could you please miss the [team] buses Robinson.
Zagreb holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey

We'd like to know a little bit about your for our files
We'd like to help you learn to kick yourself.
Look around you all you see are unsympathetic eyes,
Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home.

It's coz of your misses Robinson.
That Croats love you more than you will know.
Could you please miss the [team] buses Robinson.
Zagreb holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey

Hide it [the VT] in a hiding place where no one ever goes.
Put it in your pantry with your cup mistakes.
It's no more a secret - it's the Robinson "affair".
Most of all you've got to hide it from [Dennis] Norden's kids.

Koo-koo-ka-choo, Goalie Robinson,
The Croats love you more than you will know.
Could you please miss the [team] buses Robinson.
Zagreb holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon.
Not going to the selection debate.
Laugh about it, shout about it
When they've got to choose
Every way you look at this you lose.

Where have you gone, Cory Liddle Oh,
Our nation turns it's lonely eyes to you.
What's that you say, Mr. Robinson.
Cory's left and now he's flown away,
Hey hey hey.

Never work with children or animals!

However wise the above adage may be for the acting fraternity, it clearly causes more difficulty for teachers and zookeepers!

This Blogs Education Correspondent - LLBB - has recently reported that young teachers have been advised to be careful not simply to answer every question that they are asked by their pupils, but to ensure that they fully understand what is being requested before giving their response.

The wisdom of these words is demonstrated by the following (obviously) true story.

A young boy asked his teacher how to spell “penis”. Rather taken aback (but wisely following the aforementioned advice) the teacher asked the young lad why he wanted to know, to which he replied: -

“...well I know how to spell “Hap” but I don't know how to spell “piness”!”

LLBB also reports that Group 3 “...rocks”, although it is accepted that this will mean little to the majority of blogees.

Faster that a speeding bullet?

OK, so the results are in, and I did manage to achieve a personal best time in the Run London 10k, of 53 mins and 25 secs.

The video of my finish can be found on the attached link.

If you have difficulty spotting me, its because the video compression techniques that Nike use to produce the videos - so that they play on all formats of PC - make me (but surprisingly, not others!) look slow, fat and balding!!

(I am actually seen crossing the line in 55 mins and 29 secs, but as with all such races, it takes a couple of minutes to actually get over the start line.)

Enjoy!

http://www.runlondon.com/tenkresults/videofinish.aspx?UserRunResultId=664ffa38-9b62-439f-a173-eb7659f212c6

A sporting weekend

Two sporting events dominated this weekend. Firstly a round of golf (I think my first game since Christmas) on Saturday, followed by the Nike 10k run in Hyde Park on Sunday.

The golf surprisingly ended in victory, (No, I wasn't playing alone!) and I came reasonably close to scoring a hole in one on the 17th, and not too far off achieving an eagle two at the last. (Not to mention the pigeon I nearly got on the 7th!)

The Nike run on Sunday included a momentous moment for me when, for the first time in a competitive race, I actually managed to overtake Paula Radcliffe!

OK, so she is 6 months pregnant; was stood still when I overtook her, mainly because she wasn't actually taking part in my race...she was just starting it, but...strictly speaking the above account is technically accurate.

(Paula did take part in the next race, where she went round in a "very gentle jog" due to her condition....and beat me by about 8 minutes!)

As for my time...I'm not actually sure, somewhere around 53 minutes I hope, which would be a personal best.

It's not nice to gloat!

Before starting this story I should point out to any dyslexic readers that this Blog is not connected in any way to the previous Blog “Do you take this gloat to be your lawfully wedded wife?”.

Now when bringing up a young family there are many things that you try to teach them along the way, so that they reach adulthood espousing the attitudes and values that will stand them in good stead in society.

These values include honesty, integrity, humility, compassion and modesty

Sadly, for the last six weeks such values have been decidedly lacking between father (yours truly) and son. The reason - our performances within the Telegraph Fantasy Football League.

The “Moog” has been extremely lucky in reaching a position of 17,000 ish, whereas (as previously reported) my skillfully selected team is close behind in 239,000 ish place.

Well this week I actually scored more points than him, climbing 6,000 places whilst he fell over 20,000. At this rate I should overtake him by Christmas!!

As for the above mentioned values....forget it! From here there's only one direction that I'm going in (& sadly it is most probably downwards!)

How masterful were the grand masters?

The National Gallery today “unveiled” (actually I think it just “opened”) its Cezanne exhibition, marking the centenary of the master's death. This led me to think two things.

Firstly, what skill do you need to be able to exhibit to be described 100 years later as a “master”? Secondly, why would anybody want an event to mark (or celebrate) their death?

What did people of the mid 1800's actually think of young Paul? Did they think that his paintings were “...a bit splodgy”; “...lacked detail” and were generally devoid of facial detail because “...he couldn't really capture expressions”? Or did they stand in awe of his artistry?

Given that his work was generally ignored during his lifetime, it appears that the former are more likely to represent the views of the time.

Thankfully, the fact that my work is also largely ignored, possibly means that in 2146, I could be considered an absolute genius.

Will Young concert - Wembley Arena

After a very pleasant afternoon wandering around Covent Garden and an excellent meal at Cafe Rouge we headed off to the revamped Wembley Arena to see Will Young in concert.

To quote the Evening Standard Reviewer (who for the most part I agreed with, and where I didn't I have used my self appointed right of censorship!)...

“Young and a top-notch team of dancers, singers and musicians treated the fans
to a huge theatrical production that featured an array of costumes, sets and themes.
With five No 1 singles and two No 1 albums behind him, Young has amassed quite a back catalogue in the last four years and his confident 20-song extravaganza was a timely reminder of his rapid development from Pop Idol winner to heavyweight artist.
Opening with Keep On, the title track of his current album, Young stunned the
audience as he turned it into a sizzling song-and-dance number, looking cool and confident in a dashing air steward's outfit.
Every couple of songs saw the show's format change drastically, the only common
factors being exquisite sets, impeccably tailored period costumes, faultless dance routines and a strong, sensitive vocal performance. All I Want was a highlight, with an equestrian-themed routine that wouldn't have been out of place on the West End stage.
His version of Love The One You're With felt genuinely soulful, but from a purely musical point of view, his finest moments came during a gospel-style session with three excellent backing singers.
Stripped of all the razzmatazz, his voice shone during this tender medley of What's In Goodbye and Love Struck.
He pulled out all the stops with his encore, an impressive extended version of Switch It On, featuring yet more beautiful costumes and a spirited dance routine, hammering home his credentials as a consummate professional showman.”

All in all, an excellent evening!