Oh how we laughed!

One of my new found friends from the Orient (see 'Lost in Translation' 17 November 2006)rang me today and told me that he was sending me an email that he thought I would like, and then recounted a very amusing story involving a Japanese nun, fourteen oranges, a dwarf, a barrel of lard and some duck tape.

Well I have never laughed so much in a long time. Anyway, rather than me incorrectly transcribing what he said, I asked him to email me the story, which he kindly did, and which I have attached below.

When you read it I'm sure you will see what I mean.

浦和、Ｇ大阪下し初制覇・Ｃ大阪はＪ２に降格
　Ｊリーグ１部（Ｊ１）最終節（２日・埼玉スタジアムほか＝９試合）優勝を懸けた直接対決は浦和レッズがＧ大阪を３―２で下し、勝ち点を72に伸ばして初制覇を果たした。

　Ｃ大阪は１―３で川崎に敗れて17位となり、２部（Ｊ２）に降格。甲府と１―１で引き分けた福岡は16位で、Ｊ２神戸との入れ替え戦に臨む。Ｃ大阪と福岡は勝ち点27で並んだが、福岡が得失点差で上回った。入れ替え戦は６日に神戸ウイングスタジアム、９日に博多の森球技場で行われる。

　川崎が勝ち点67で初の２位と躍進。Ｇ大阪は同66で３位となった。

　浦和は０―１の前半27分にポンテが同点ゴール。前半終了間際と後半14分にワシントンが２得点し、Ｇ大阪の反撃を終盤の１点に抑えた。

Bet you'll never see that in a Jamie Oliver cookbook!

The Ashes - Day 5

Sorry....did I say that this game is not yet over yesterday?

...well it is now!!

Australia win by 277 runs

The Ashes - The "Fat Aussie Bird" has stopped singing - Day 4

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Some pride's been restored
But keep batting we must

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
KP's bat's a-swinging
But who else can he trust?

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Just bat all day tommorow
This game's not yet lost

Aus 602 - 9 (dec) & 202 - 1 (dec)
England 157 & 293 - 6

The Ashes - I think it's all over! - Day 3

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussies bowl out England
Our spirit is bust

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussies keep batting
Their victory's a must

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Ponting's going for records
And England.........

....might just let him.

England 157 all out
Australia 602 - 9 & 181 - 1

The Ashes - Have we surrendered? - Day 2

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussie Bats are swinging
And they're kicking Pommie buts!

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Freddy's got 4 wickets
He's the only one with guts

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussie's declare at 602 - 9
Who can England trust?

Answer to last question is....

NOT Strauss or Cooke or Collingwood or...

Play ends with England on 53 - 3, only 549 behind!! But, didn't we lose the first Test last year? Perhaps this is all part of a great Master Plan to lull the Aussies into a false sense of security. Oh no, I've started to see PPFO's (Pink & Porky Flying Objects)!

The Ashes - Let Battle Commence - Day 1

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Harmison's bowling
I suppose he must

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Get the WD40
Coz Harmy's got rust!

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
England's best bowlers
Leave Aussies nonplussed

Australia finish on 334 - 3

Happy Anniversary!

Well today is our third Anniversary and how time has flown. Whilst some of that day, three years ago, remains a bit of a blur (maybe due to a small amount of alcohol to settle the nerves) the main event remains remarkably clear. But it wasn't just the day itself that was so good, the weeks leading up to the “Big Day” helped to create the right kind of atmosphere as well. Not all of the preparations went entirely to plan, but when do they ever? Despite a few hiccups all minor setbacks were overcome, and the ceremony began. There were obviously the traditional hymns - Jerusalem and others - the photographers (yes there was more than one!) captured everything on film, and the number of people who had turned up to watch - even some without an invite - was amazing.

The day was such a happy one for all the right reasons.

We have had some very happy times since that day, although of late something seems to be missing. There appears to be too much criticism now, whereas previously we just worked together to sort things out. The illness and injuries we have suffered haven't helped (whatever happened to “...in sickness and in health”?) Nor have the retirement of some members of our “family” which sadly have increased the pressures upon us. However, at last things now seem to be a lot happier between us, and hopefully we can look to the future more positively. We have survived an early (very early!) seven year itch, and have come out the other side. In fact “...seven(s)” are possibly our luckiest number, far more so than fifteen, so on that basis (with three years down) at least the next 12 years should be OK!

So Happy Third Anniversary to us! We remain World Champions for at least one more year but the memories of that “Big Day” and our 20 - 17, Rugby World Cup victory over Australia will remain for very many years.

Please note - nowhere did I mention the word “wedding” or “marriage”!!

A flash in the pan or.............?

Today, Moog & I went to Twickenham to watch England beat South Africa 23 - 21 in a tense, scrappy, less than impressive match, but one which despite all this England won, thereby ending a string of seven defeats. It was a great day, and the enlarged Twickenham is even more impressive than before, and was attended by a crowd of 80,000+ fans.

Whether or not England deserved to win is open to question, but the defining moment in the game is shown below. Josh Lewsey ran the length of the pitch to catch and tackle Jean de Villiers with a thundering "hit" which sent him flying into touch inches from the try line.

Formula for successful day:

Twickenham + Swing Low Sweet Chariot + National Anthem + Moog + double sausage baguette + beer + Josh Lewsey + England victory = Happiness

Lost in Translation?

Apparently, (and for those of you old enough to remember Frankie Howard "...Titter ye not!") I'm very "Big" in Japan. This may not come as much of a surprise to you (especially as the average height of a Japanese man is 5ft 4in, and the average height of a Japanese women is 5ft exactly) when you consider that I'm almost 5ft 11! However, this comment was not meant to be sizeist, but to reflect the fact that an article published in my name has actually created some (considerable?) interest amongst the Japanese press.
This resulted in me being interviewed today by a journalist from Nikkei (the Japanese equivalent of the Financial Times), an interview which was conducted in Japanese, although to help me with the few Japanese words that I didn't understand (99.99999% of them) an interpreter was also present.
It is quite a strange experience being interviewed in a language that is totally alien to you. I sat opposite the journalist who spoke to me as though I understood him, and yet I had made the decision not to mirror any of his many smiles or nods until his interpreter had spoken, as I didn't want to make the wrong gesture in the wrong place. To smile at the point where, for all I knew, he could have been telling me that he was late because his dog had just died, or to nod in agreement when he may have just told me that I reminded him of the devil, might not have been entirely appropriate.
The whole experience reminded me of a recent sketch on the Catherine "Do I look bovvered?" Tait show, where her character pretends to be able to speak, and translate, six languages in a business meeting, but in fact all that she is able to do is speak in six different stereotypical foreign sounding accents to match the nationality of the person she is supposedly translating for.
At times during my interview I did wonder whether it would have been worth trying "my version" of Japanese in response to some of the questions, but you will be pleased to hear that I resisted the urge to give it a go.
After an hour the interview finished with the interpreter asking whether any other Japanese media had made contact with me (that would be a “No”), and stating that Japanese women employees “...would love to hear me speak” - although this comment may have lost something in translation!

Batty about The Belfry

Today was the day that I finally got to play the world famous 'Brabazon' golf course at The Belfry.

I arrived early at 8am - two and a half hours before we were due to tee off - and went for some much needed practice on the driving range, where they had a machine that set up each ball on the tee for you so that you didn't even have to bend down. This which was particularly good as I had bought a big basket of balls as I needed the practice!

Our original four-ball had turned into a three-ball by the time we headed for the first tee. Nick had a 12 handicap, Simon 24 and me 26.

Standing on the first tee on such a course is very daunting, a few people were watching, and whilst the hole on paper was fairly straightforward - 370 yards and straight - the nerves soon started to take effect. Ball placed on tee, head down, club swung back and then....thwak! The contact had not been good, the ball had been "topped" and when I looked to see where it had gone, I saw that it had only just reached the women's tee! A distance of about 25 feet! What a relief...that is, what a (albeit unsporting) relief that it was Simon who had gone first.

Thankfully, and quite luckily my first shot went "straight down the middle for 200+ yards and I ended the hole with a net par 4.

The rest of the round was extremely enjoyable - some reasonable holes, a few poor ones, but enough good shots to remember the day positively. Whilst not my best hole of the day, the one that I shall remember most was the eighteenth where I ended with a net par 4.

Approaching the green from the other side of the lake with the Belfry hotel in the background was an amazing setting. To land on the green and then take just 2 puts was the icing on the cake.

SEV-UHRN!!!

It would be rude of me (and how unusual would that be?) to include a separate article extolling the virtues of Jamie Oliver's 'Fifteen' restaurant (so named because of the initial number of unemployed youngsters that Jamie "trained" to become chefs) without mentioning the other famous eating establishment 'Fifty-two' (so named because...of some other reason) where we enjoyed more fine fare.

It has to be said that in terms of the quality of food and wine, level of service, and value for money it surpassed 'Fifteen' on every count. Whilst only scoring “SEV-UHRN!!” on the LGPRS (Len Goodman Pukkaness Rating Scale) this seemed particularly harsh, and warranted at least a 9.
'Fifty-two' - which for some strange reason goes through an annual re-branding exercise (rumours in the industry have predicted that next year's new name will be...'Fifty-three') has managed to achieve that “...homely, cottagey, front room beside the fire” feel, where some guests almost feel as though clearing the table at the end of the meal and stacking the dishwasher is part of “...the experience” - however I personnally drew the line at this level of involvement.

In terms of areas for improvement - these are very difficult to identify - the on-line booking service seemed to be causing some problems (cries of “...this F*****g machine” were heard from the restaurant's IT Department on at least one occasion!); and whilst the night-time views from the restaurant compared favourably with those of 'Fifteen', (or anywhere else in the world in the dark for that matter) these were less impressive during the day; (although we were led to believe that this was to be addressed “...dreckly”, subject to suitable funding being achieved.) One final point of concern relates to the restaurant dog. Whilst I had plenty to eat, the dog just looked “stuffed”, and didn't appear able to move very far at all under its own steam (or maybe it wasn't steam-powered after all).

All in all however, a great restaurant and a great week-end.

Pukka food!!

After a day looking around Truro, (including the inside of a very interesting Cornish pub that served, of all things, beer); this evening we treated ourselves to a meal at Jamie Oliver's new restaurant in Cornwall - "Fifteen".

The six course "tasting" menu consisted (my choices) of: -

• Olives, freshly baked bread and dipping olive oil;
• Antipasti of sweet chillies, oranges, salami, ham etc
• Crab Risotto
• Slow roasted belly of 'rare breed' Pork
• Cheese and fruit loaf
• Tiramisu

All washed down with water, cocktails, wine and coffee.

Good food, good service, good value - definitely a Pukka evening!

The advantages of flying

Whilst I accept that flying isn't the most environmentally friendly thing that you can do, it does have one big advantage over other forms of travel - speed.

Today we were flying down to see our very good friends S&N in Cornwall and were able to fly from Gatwick to Newquay direct.

Had we been driving, the journey would have taken between 4 and five hours!

But instead, we just had a short drive from home (which we left at 10.30 am) to the long stay car-park at Gatwick North Terminal; a short bus trip from the car park to the airport; and then having navigated ourselves through airport security and waited for our flight to be called we were soon on the aircraft.

The rubber band having been tightly wound, we were soon hurtling down the runway (after a short delay of about 20 mins on the runway whilst the "bigger" jets took off and landed) and Newquay bound. The flight itself was less than an hour!

Newquay is only a small airport and so within 15 minutes we had our suitcase and N was there to meet us for the 20 minute drive to their cottage in Ladock were we arrived just after 3 o'clock.

And so the whole journey had only taken us four and a half hours - FOUR & A HALF HOURS!!! I could have driven quicker.

580 million people use my escalator!

This must be true, because I saw it this evening on a London Transport poster at London Bridge station as I travelled home from work, & I believe everything that they (London Transport) tell me. I mean when have you ever known a train timetable to be inaccurate?

Even so, 580 million people is an awful lot of people. Whilst it is often very busy, I think this could be a slight exaggeration, albeit that it didn't state over what period this many people used it.

To put the number into perspective it is equivalent to the populations of Europe queuing one behind the other and travelling up to street level from the underground below. Given that this would theoretically include French, Spanish and Italians queuing one behind each other - which is not a concept that I think that they understand - this fact may be not as accurate as I first thought!

Every silver lining has a cloud!

Two things at work reminded me of the above - one of which occurred a week or so ago and the other today.

I was recently contacted by a headhunter from a London firm which shall remain nameless, other than to say that the name of the firm includes the word "Struggles", (look up "Headhunter" & "Struggles" in Google if you don't believe me) and I can see why.

The consultant said that I had been difficult to get hold of (?) and that he wanted to talk to me about an exciting opportunity that I appeared to be very well suited for. Whilst not particularly looking to move jobs, I was "interested" and said that I would ring him back. Upon doing so, the consultant advised me that the "fantastic" opportunity was in Malaysia, and would be..... to set up an "Emerging Markets Division" from scratch. Sadly at this point I had to advise him that as this was nothing to do with the line of work I'm in, possibly he had the wrong contact, or right contact wrong job, or......

Today's similar anti climax involved the fact that I was nominated for an award at work for a highly confidential piece of work that I have been involved with over recent months. Fantastic! However, not so fantastic was the fact that I was also advised that I hadn't been successful as due to the confidentiality of the issue involved , my boss had been unable to explain to the awards 'panel' the extent of the work undertaken. (Or if she had told them she would have had to kill them & I still wouldn't have received the award!)

C'est la vie.

Never suck a Mento whilst drinking Diet Coke

In June this year having heard about what happens if you drop a fruit mento sweet into a bottle of Diet Coke, we decided to try ourselves and managed to achieve a soda "fountain" of about 16 feet in height, as can be seen in the picture below.

However, following a little sponsorship from Mentos and Coca Cola, the originators of the experiment have come up with the following cross between a domino rally & the Mentos & Diet Coke challenge.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-274981837129821058&sourceid=docidfeed&hl=en-GB

Move over Nostrodamos - IV

“Former England star Bill Beaumont returns to the pitch for England v All Blacks match” was the sub heading in the Evening Standard article about England's record defeat againts the All Blacks.

Whilst Beaumont didn't actually play in the match (I believe solely due to the difficulty of arranging death in service insurance for a 55 year old) the above article did state that: -

“Bill Beaumont was among a group of England greats parading around the pitch and Robinson will be forgiven for wishing he could have called upon their services on the field of play”

Accurate enough?

Move over Nostrodamos - III

Whilst not a universally read journal the Leeds University News advertised this weekend that “Fire & Explosion Engineering MSc part-time positions were available across the UK”.

This is yet another example of psychic powers, and all the more amazing due to the fact that the article doesn't relate to the easily predictable Bonfire Night celebrations.

Move over Nostradamos - II

Headline in Blackpool Gazette - "Rooney saved in re-lit fire as sick arson attack kills beloved pet"

TWO Blackpool schoolchildren have been left distraught after an arson attack killed one of their family pets and left two others badly injured.
Chloe Jessop, nine, and her six-year-old brother Joseph are now nursing Rooney the guinea pig and Snowbell the rabbit back to health after the fire in their garden shed that claimed the life of Beckham, a second guinea pig.

As for how Rooney re-lit the fire is subject to conjecture, but I think that you'll agree this is further evidence of psychic powers!!

Move over Nostradamos

“Glasgow shivers as Big Freeze arrives” was, as predicted, the headline in the 'Glasgow Herald and Times' with the article warning motorists to take extra care to avoid potential “chaos”.

I will assess my success over the next four days prior to deciding whether or not to establish the first online investment service that actually can “guarantee” success.

Look out for tomorrow's headlines.

A position of influence

Further evidence has emerged regarding the influence of this Blog. Last week I described the problems surrounding computer keyboards and poor hygiene and today the following article appears in the news.

Flat keyboard 'could reduce MRSA'

A hospital has developed a computer keyboard which it says could cut cases of the MRSA superbug by 10%.
Research shows as many as 25% of keyboards carry MRSA - one of a number of hospital-acquired infections which kill 5,000 people each year in the UK.
Plastic keyboard covers are often used but these can be hard to clean.
The University College London Hospitals NHS Trust keyboard is flat and so easy to clean - and is coated in silicon to help ward off bacteria.
The trust is starting to install them and if they prove successful the rest of the NHS may follow.
Duncan Burton, the modern matron in charge of infection control at UCL, said: "They're flat, they're very easy to clean with alcohol wipes, it makes it much quicker for nurses to clean them and nurses are responsible for cleaning keyboards in the clinical areas.
Dr Peter Wilson, the consultant microbiologist who came up with the idea for the keyboards, said: "The numbers of keyboards are going to rise astronomically over the next few years".

My predictions for news items/headlines over the next few days are: -

Friday - The Big Freeze causes travel chaos
Saturday - Rooney relights his fire
Sunday - Fires and explosions spread across UK
Monday - Bill Beaumont stars against All Blacks as England rugby injury crisis deepens

Funniest thing ever?

Whilst possibly not the funniest thing ever, but certainly the funniest thing that I've seen in a long time - tonight we watched 'The Secret Policeman's Ball, which we recorded a few days ago on Sky+. One advantage of Sky+ is that you can watch at speeds of up to x30, stopping and viewing only those bits that look as though they'll be worth watching. We didn't stop often, but thankfully we did stop at the bit where David Armand did his brilliant mime routine in which he acts out all the lines from Natalie Imbruglia’s song Torn. This in itself was fantastic, but when Imbruglia herself came on — first just to sing, then to join in the mime — it got even better, and must have stolen the show.

Sadly the overall effect (and quality) isn't quite as good in the attached clips, but this is still my prescription for anyone feeling depressed - watch it, learn it, mime it - NOW!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osnUB9bUm-E (long version)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk7KhIJfNRI (short version)