Driving etiquette

There are certain aspects of driving that can be considered to be contrary to driving "etiquette", and others which are simply contrary to the law.

I encountered an example of the former in my youth whilst on holiday in Jersey, where "Filter in turn" signs were placed at every junction. My cousin, (who to protect his identity I shall simply refer to as "Joe"), by some amazing combination of timing and co-ordination, managed always to be in a position where he could proceed first onto the junction, and when some other driver tried to "cut" in front of him, he would politely inform them of their misdemeanour by shouting "...it's not your BLOODY turn!!".

Joe actually helped to teach me to drive some years later (Some would say that that explains a lot - by which I assume that they mean that I am an equally calm and polite driver).

Having driven along 750 miles of the 20,000 miles of UK motorway on Saturday, there were a number of annoying habits that "other" drivers demonstrated, of which my top 3 were: -

1. Driving in the middle lane when the inside lane is clear. I sometimes wonder why we have an inside lane as nobody seems to want to use it. In fact this "wasted" space is equivalent to an area of land 7.5 miles square, and could solve the problem of finding sufficient suitable(?) land to solve the current housing shortage (although parents might need to be a bit more careful when their offspring ask to play games in "the street"!).
2. Using a mobile phone whilst driving at 70 mph + (which is dangerous enough in itself) this sometimes necessitating taking both hands off the wheel so that they can (seemingly) text the great works of Shakespeare to their loved ones whilst all other road users have to take appropriate avoiding action , and
3. The 'indicate and immediately pull out' merchants - as opposed to the "Mirror, signal, mirror, manoeuvre, friendly wave to fellow drivers" exponents such as myself.

I have often wondered what I would do if I lost my job as a part time cartoonist, but it is clear that the world would benefit from me sharing my driving skills with others, so I will add Driving Instructor to my list of alternative professions, just below Professional Hypocrite, and part time Irony Advisor to the US.

For those who have been similarly annoyed by other road users, I have just overhead some fellow commuters on my train come up with a suitable "punishment".

Follow the offending driver to the next motorway services and once they leave their car to go to "sprinkle their boots", sprinkle their car with breadcrumbs. The damage caused by birds as they peck at the bread and then leave their acidic "deposits" behind is apparently particularly satisfying.

Anyway, I must go now as I need to get my car valeted, and get some quotes for a complete re-spray!!