Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Boxing Day Rituals

Unfortunately the annual tradition of the 'four men of the family' having a festive bacon sandwich and hot mug of tea on Boxing Day morning, could not take place this year as the cook at the food kiosk (on the 9th hole of the local golf course) had the medical complaint "CNBATGU" - commonly known as Couldn't be Arsed to Get Up!

Nevertheless, given that we had already played 6 holes of golf before discovering this disturbing fact we carried on playing regardless.

We were playing "better ball" (it was just as well that Barkley wasn't with us, as he may have taken offence at the terminology, given that he is soon to lose both of his, 'better' or otherwise) rules, and "The Young(er) Ones" managed to win on the last hole!

The Perfect Present

It is perhaps unfair to single out one present as “the best present received” this Xmas, especially as I wouldn't want to cause upset to all others who bought me such interesting, useful or, in many cases, tasty gifts.

However, the perfect present in question, bought by my nearest and dearest is pictured below...
To receive the last Rollo in chocolate form is great, but in silver it is even better.

Monday, December 25, 2006

More "wee" problems at Christmas time

It has been reported that the Nintendo "Wii", is malfunctioning in people's homes this Christmas due to flashing Christmas tree lights interfering with the game's infra red sensors. This will no doubt cause even more upset, arguments and tears amongst the land's "little people", but then, isn't that what Christmas is all about?

I also discovered last night (well very early this morning actually) as we sat chatting after Midnight Mass, that I also had some "wee" problems when I was a young child.

Apparently, when I was 5, and living in Cummersdale, Nr Carlisle, I was not used to the local dialect, and the fact that the word "we" was used instead of the word "who" in certain situations. Having spent an age with my sister gathering wood from around the village to build a bonfire, I was approached by a group of small boys who said "...we built that bonfire?", to which I replied "...no you didn't, we did!"*

Looking confused the group slowly backed away.

* for the 'slow of brain' the above conversation is translated as follows: - "Who built that bonfire?" - "...no you didn't, who did!".

Happy Christmas!

A very happy christmas to all, and best wishes for a happy and healthy 2007!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Bah Humbug!

One would have thought that at this time of year, the church would allow a certain amount of latitude in Yuletide festivities.

I refer to the attached invitation from our local church for children to "...Come and join in!" with the Xmas nativity play. Now, if you ask my mother and father if they have any children they would say "Yes, two", of which I am one. Therefore, I still consider myself to be a child and therefore eligible to take part.

As the "invite" said, children were invited to bring their own costume.

So, I turned up in a (rather stretched) Kermit the Frog outfit, left over from an unhappy experience when I was 12!. (See Blog entry of 25th August 2006 - "Is there anything worse than coming fourth?") The vicar strangely, refused to let me in, on the grounds that he considered me to be neither a child, nor dressed in appropriate attire - obviously not having heard of the 'Bethlehem Frog'. As I sadly trudged - OK hopped! - down the church path back to my car, a six year old dressed as an octopus passed me and was welcomed into the church by an effusive vicar.

Double standards or what! *

* Please note - the truth of the above story has been stretched as much as the Kermit costume!!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

More Christmas confusion

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of my calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 71.604 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. (The ship, rather than the reigning monarch that is).

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

Therefore the only logical explanation - given the above scientific information - is that Santa is.....MAGIC!!!!

Unanswered questions at Christmas-time

The following story appeared in the Guardian yesterday, and left me a little confused. The story started: -

"...Children watched in horror as a Santa Claus collapsed and died as he handed out presents at a Christmas party on Sunday."

Tragic as this news was, the following sentence seemed to be totally unrelated to the first and read: -
"...Andrew Robertson was taken ill as the excited youngsters received their gifts. The 82-year-old was taken to a side room and attempts made to revive him,but he was pronounced dead when medics arrived."
Clearly the newspaper editor, struggling with the enormity of the news regarding the death of Santa and what this will mean to the children of the world, let his standards slip and mixed two different stories which were only linked by a theme of "untimely death".
The third sentence didn't clarify anything: -
"...Mr Robertson, from Dundee, had played Santa at the city's Broughty Castle bowling club Christmas party, held for the grandchildren of members, for several years."
What do they mean "played"? Did Santa actually play bowls? How many people died?

Thursday, December 21, 2006

The last word!

Christmas is a time when all sorts of relatives tend to descend upon you, and some of them always want to have the last word in any discussion, debate or argument.

Well to save a lot of time, let them have it!

The word (that is, the last word in the Oxford English Dictionary) is "Zyxt".

In the manner of that TV favourite "Call my Bluff", 'Zyxt' is either: -

  • a Malaysian word for the outer skin of a citrus fruit such as an orange or a lemon,
  • an obsolete Kentish word that is the second singular indicative present form of the verb see.
  • The Hungarian word meaning 'Seven', (pronounced 'Sev-urhn!') following in numerical order from the word 'zyxst', meaning 'sixth'.

If you have any American visitors (especially ones that think that they're smart! - although I guess that would be just about all of them!) - the last word is actually 'Zyzzyva' - a tropical American weevil (or George Bush as he is now known!).

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Christmas Memories

Whilst the old brain cells don't seem to function quite as well as they used too, I still seem able to recall events from when I was just a lad!

One such memory is from 1971. For some strange reason I was shopping with my parents in Bridport, Dorset, (if you've ever been to Bridport you'll understand this comment & I'll bet real money that you didn't stop there longer than was necessary to realise your mistake in stopping in the first place!) when we wandered into a Bicycle shop called 'Revolutions'. It was there that I spotted the bike of my dreams - a brand "spanking" new, 'drop-handlebar', 10-speed, racing bike!

If only I could have this bike now, I would stop having to ride the one that I'd had since I was 6 years old, and which by that time (I was now 10) was too small for me to actually pedal, and so was only any use as a small seat on wheels, if, for example, I ever wanted to go down (but not up) a hill fast.

However, the new bike in question was rather expensive, and so I was told that I could have it for Christmas, but that it would need saving up for! Now, I can't recall whether it was me or my parents who needed to save up for it, but at that time I didn't care...because very soon I would be having THAT bike.

Now when I say very soon, it was not actually that soon, as it was only FEBRUARY, and Christmas was still 10 months away!

Anyway, wait I did, and when Christmas eventually arrived I was finally able to unwrap the present that I had waited (as far as I can remember) so patiently for.

After waiting so long for this 10-gear, machine of speed, I couldn't wait to get it out on the road to try it. As I set off my dear old mum, stood on the doorstep and waved me goodbye and with a smile said....

"...If I see you going fast on that bike it'll go straight back to the shop!"

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Christmas Greetings to a "politically correct" world!

I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that the UK is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Why buy a peerage?

There has been much media attention over recent days, weeks and months concerning the issue of 'cash-for-honours', but today I discovered that none of it had been necessary at all.

It transpires that one can simply assign "titles" to oneself when completing the Personal Details section whilst shopping over the Internet. When the post is eventually delivered, the postman (and then very soon after the entire neighbourhood) will think that a title has actually been bestowed upon you, and will soon start addressing you in the appropriate (OK, well inappropriate!) manner.

It also appears that the level of "title" depends upon where you shop.

Whilst you can be a Doctor in many stores such as Argos; or a Lord, Lady, Sir or Dame in M&S, perhaps unsurprisingly one needs to shop online at Harrods to get the highest level of title.

At Harrods one can become either a Sheikh, Sheikha, Prince or Princess!

However, one word of caution - if your name is Phillip and you fancy the title of Prince this may not be the site to try it!!

However, if your name is Jim go right ahead, and arise Prince Jim!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Some Christmas shopping advice (for men!)

Today I learnt three things about Christmas shopping: -

  1. Apparently, the saying "It's the thought that counts..." doesn't work in isolation. Lots of good thoughts don't look too good around the bottom of the Christmas tree, along with more - how shall I put it - "physical" presents.
  2. Women do NOT like domestic presents that can be plugged in or used in the kitchen!
  3. Women do not like being bought fancy underwear

However, I do know that they like presents that are small and sparkly......so.....

....where does a small, sparkly electric Wok, that cost a "knicker" in 'The Pound Shop' fit? Good or bad?

OK, so I'll take it back!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

What a coincidence!

With reference to my comment at the bottom of my blog for 28 November 2006 (Oh how we laughed!), I could not believe what I saw when in WH Smiths today. Browsing through a copy of Jamie Oliver's latest cookbook, I spotted this amazing 1 million to 1 coincidence.

Monday, December 11, 2006

It's half time!

Following legal advice and the recent passing of the 'Employment (Equality) Age Regulations 2006' I have been asked to refrain from telling you how old I was today. However, thank you to all who contributed cards, presents money and cakes (not to mention a celebratory toasted teacake with a candle in it!) and helped to make an old man very happy!!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

A lesson learned...?

Two strange things happened today after Moog and I had finished an enjoyable 9 holes of golf. One highlighted the fact that it is best not to judge a book by its cover whilst the other showed that one shouldn't immediately react to what is said without understanding what is meant.

As we headed off for a post-game offering of an 'All day breakfast', we walked past the Driving Range and noticed one strange looking golfer who was clearly new to the game. Possibly in his 50's, with a big bushy beard, an old looking set of clubs, & boots instead of golf shoes, he started some “practice swings”. Whilst the golf we had just played demonstrated that neither Moog nor I were in no place to pass judgement, as usual this didn't stop us. Everything about his swing was wrong; he swayed from side to side, his head moved up and down and the plane of his swing as it stiffly approached the general (although not specific) proximity of the golf ball meant that there was only going to be one disastrous result....that the ball would fly straight and true for over 200 yards. What a fluke! As was the next shot and the one after that and the one after that etc etc. However wrong it looked, I hope that nobody ever gives him a lesson, because it obviously works for him.

As we headed on to breakfast considering our (relatively) more perfect swings and our less than perfect end results, the Moog said that he “...wanted a wee!”. Thinking that he had regressed to his childhood, (when we would often spend Saturday mornings on a driving range near Corsham, partly because he seemed to like golf, and I seemed to like the cheap breakfast that came with the lessons!), I became a little concerned. This feeling increased when he asked if I had "...seen it", and also when he said that it would be great if "...all the family could play with it at Christmas! "

It then became clear that he didn't want a “wee”, but he did want a “Wii”, the new Nintendo games console.

What interesting marketing. How long will it be before Nintendo are sued by parents with “psychologically disturbed offspring” who keep wetting themselves and wonder why, when in supermarkets and shops across the globe they call out to their parents that they “...want a wee!”, only to be told that they can't have one because there are no Wiis left and that even if there were, they're too expensive!!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Enterprising student to boost Cornish economy

An interesting, but confusing, story appeared in recent days concerning a young English student who in an effort to “...raise some cash”, set up a website to sell Pixies.

When I first overheard this story I was surprised on two counts. Firstly, the proximity of the word “student” to the word “enterprising” was unusual, and far less common than its usual association with the words “drunk”, “partying”, “desperate” or “comatose”. Secondly, despite our recent visit to the Cornish River Area (we stayed close to the River Fal), I was still of the belief that 'Pixies' were imaginary!

Well the student in question's plan was to sell not one, but one million Pixies for a dollar each. Now I would have thought that the going rate for a live Pixie would have been much higher, and would personally have sold one Pixie for one million dollars. But to be fair, I didn't have the idea and however flawed the original plan, this week the millionth Pixie was sold, and the young student is one million dollars to the good.

What is to become of the Pixies I don't know, although if anybody wanted to put them to good use, I'm sure they could help out on the rail network (see A return to the Age of Steam) as a new type of PPE - Polish - Pixie Enterprise.

Anybody wanting to read more about the student's web page should visit the following link.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4585026.stm

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

"4m are still in debt from last Christmas"

The above headline appeared in this morning's Metro newspaper, describing the 4million Britons who are still paying off debts from last Christmas. For some reason (and for no other reason I can assure you) this made me think of George Michael. I think that following his "Christmas" hit (?), he possibly owes a debt to society, so I have amended the lyrics in tribute to those that are currently worse off, either as a result of overspending or just as a result of Wham!!!

Last Christmas, I paid with my cards
The very next day, more interest to pay
This year, to save me from tears
I'll have to "make" something special

Last Christmas, I paid with my cards
The very next day, more interest to pay
This year, to save me from tears
I'll have to "make" something special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my overdraft but you still bleed me dry
Tell me Mr Banker do you recognise me?
I've changed my ID, hope it will surprise thee

(Big pile of pooh!) I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "Please F*** Off" - I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if I'd paid you back I know you'd fool me again

Last Christmas etc etc

Mixed metaphors

In a match of two halves, England's cricketers rose like a Phoenix from the Ashes and managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!

Australia win by 6 wickets

Monday, December 04, 2006

A return to the Age of Steam

There are a number of things about commuting that give me pleasure and satisfaction - and the number I'm thinking about is 0 (zero).

To be fair, (in contrast to the actual fares, which are anything but)throughout the summer, the service was tolerable. That is partly due to the fact that during the summer nights, gangs (Warning - the use of these three words in succession may, somewhat confusingly, see this Blog entry appear in Google searches relating to the film 'Grease'!) of railway workers were employed to carefully polish (and many of these night workers were Polish!) the rails of the entire network to ensure that they were in pristine condition for the following days activities. The plan was largely successful, as long as the sun kept shining, and nothing other than the Polish polisher's polishing cloth touched the rails - the trains kept running.

But then the summer ended. First rain fell, then leaves fell, then an occasional frost fell (?). Each left a residue that had to be removed, thus increasing the workload of the aforementioned Polish polishers such that they couldn't keep up, and often simply gave up, leaving their tasks to go for a traditional cup of tea. Birds (2nd Google warning) migrated south as winter approached but Southern commuters found it increasingly difficult to migrate north and east into work.

It was at such times that our dear, dear friends in the railway announcement department would warmly announce that...

“We apologise for the current delays and are making every effort to restore services to normal".

NO!!!! We don't want “normal”, we all know what that's like! We want “fantastic” or “superb” or “extraordinary”. Normal, we can certainly do without.

Another announcement that is equally infuriating, is when you are half way to London and have to change to another train at which point the announcer states....

“We apologise for this morning's delays and would advise passengers to allow more time for their journeys...”

How helpful is that! This is no different to saying...

“Oi, you lot on the platform! I know you got up at 5.45 am this morning, but you should have anticipated that there were going to be problems on the rails. Didn't you see the forecast for very mild and occasional drizzle? You should have all got up at 5 am for us to stand any chance of getting you into London by 8!!!”

At least this approach would get them marks for honesty.

This may not be so much the Age of Steam, but it is fast becoming the Age of 'letting off steam'.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

A matter of intonation

Whether or not life mirrors art or vice versa, to a degree the local high street mirrors English society.

Increased affluence is mirrored by the rise in the number of 'Travel Agents';

Increased need for an immediate response via mobile forms of communication has been mirrored by the rise in the number of 'mobile phone shops';

Increased size of the girths of the nation is mirrored by the rise in the number of 'Fast Food' establishments, although both of these 'descriptors' (i.e. Fast & Food)are generally open to challenge under the Trade Descriptions Act.

The increased desire to place our children in the best state schools has led to a rise in house moves, house prices; and 'Estate Agents', (exactly what 'Estates' are they 'Agents' for?).

The reason to get closer to the better schools is to stand a better chance of "the offspring" eventually getting to University, and helping Tony, Gordon and their “pals” achieve their goal of 50% of children going to institutions of academic excellence such as East Grinstead University of Fine Arts or the Solihull University of English (?).

If you were to remove all of the estate agents, travel agents, fast food agents, and mobile phone shop agents from the high street, what would you be left with? A few dress shops, 13 shoe shops, Robert Dyas and an Ann (apologies for the slight stutter) Summers shop.

Now take away every current High Street shop that sells items that can be bought over the Internet, to see what will be left in 5 years time...and you can see that all that will remain is 'Fast Food' establishments and coffee shops!!

The remaining space in the high street may have to be transformed into a giant parcel collection depot for people to pick up (and then return because they invariably won't be “as described in the catalogue”) their “Internet” purchases.

Whether or not it is true that the most common phrase that newly qualified and employed graduates use is... “Would you like fries with that?”, it remains questionable whether or not there will be enough “challenging”, “non-retail” jobs to go round, but also whether there will be any “retail” jobs of any description either.

So when your friend tells you that their son or daughter is going train to be a Barrister, it may be (especially if they're a Geordie) that they are actually going to train to be a Barista. But with competition for jobs growing at an inversely proportional rate to the future number of opportunities, who knows, such jobs may requires a degree, training contract, 'Bar' exam, and graduation from the Starbucks University of Coffee Excellence!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Don't blame it on the 'Sat Nav'!

A recent advert for a paramedic described the job as follows: -

"...Paramedics deal with emergency cases, as well as complex non-emergency hospital admissions, discharges and transfers. Paramedics work as part of a rapid response unit with support from an ambulance technician.

Emergencies can range from minor injuries to serious casualties in a major road or rail accident.

The role of the paramedic can include:

  • providing all aspects of pre-hospital emergency care
  • assessing a situation and making decisions quickly about emergency treatment and movement of the patient
  • using advanced life support techniques
  • carrying out certain surgical procedures
  • administering a range of drugs for the emergency treatment of a number of medical and trauma conditions.

They are trained in advanced driving skills and can work on traditional ambulances, as well as rapid response cars and motorcycles. They are also responsible for checking the efficiency of the vehicle and equipment. Accurate record keeping is an essential part of the job."

If the above advert accurately describes the skills of paramedics how was it that one ambulance crew ambulance crew transferring a patient to hospital were sent 200 miles in the wrong direction by a faulty satnav.

The paramedics were transferring a patient 12 miles across Essex but ended up near Manchester before they realised the mistake!

The London Ambulance Service crew were asked to take a mental health patient from King George's Hospital in Ilford to a specialist hospital in Brentwood, a journey that should take about 30 minutes.

However, the fault on their on-board navigation system meant they were sent north and ended up on an eight-hour round trip.

Whilst I admit that I have on occasions set the Sat Nav in my car to show me the way to my local station, (I journey that I do twice every day!) I do not rely on it totally. If I set it to show me the way to the local corner shop, I would start to think that there was a problem with it, if I was still driving 15 minutes later, let alone 7 hours later!!

The news item reported that "...The crew are understood to be new to the job and had never been to the mental health hospital."

I think that either they had been there previously - but as inmates - or that they may be going back there in the near future, but on a one-way journey!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Oh how we laughed!

One of my new found friends from the Orient (see 'Lost in Translation' 17 November 2006)rang me today and told me that he was sending me an email that he thought I would like, and then recounted a very amusing story involving a Japanese nun, fourteen oranges, a dwarf, a barrel of lard and some duck tape.

Well I have never laughed so much in a long time. Anyway, rather than me incorrectly transcribing what he said, I asked him to email me the story, which he kindly did, and which I have attached below.

When you read it I'm sure you will see what I mean.

浦和、G大阪下し初制覇・C大阪はJ2に降格
 Jリーグ1部(J1)最終節(2日・埼玉スタジアムほか=9試合)優勝を懸けた直接対決は浦和レッズがG大阪を3―2で下し、勝ち点を72に伸ばして初制覇を果たした。

 C大阪は1―3で川崎に敗れて17位となり、2部(J2)に降格。甲府と1―1で引き分けた福岡は16位で、J2神戸との入れ替え戦に臨む。C大阪と福岡は勝ち点27で並んだが、福岡が得失点差で上回った。入れ替え戦は6日に神戸ウイングスタジアム、9日に博多の森球技場で行われる。

 川崎が勝ち点67で初の2位と躍進。G大阪は同66で3位となった。

 浦和は0―1の前半27分にポンテが同点ゴール。前半終了間際と後半14分にワシントンが2得点し、G大阪の反撃を終盤の1点に抑えた。

Bet you'll never see that in a Jamie Oliver cookbook!

Monday, November 27, 2006

The Ashes - Day 5

Sorry....did I say that this game is not yet over yesterday?

...well it is now!!

Australia win by 277 runs

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The Ashes - The "Fat Aussie Bird" has stopped singing - Day 4

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Some pride's been restored
But keep batting we must

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
KP's bat's a-swinging
But who else can he trust?

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Just bat all day tommorow
This game's not yet lost

Aus 602 - 9 (dec) & 202 - 1 (dec)
England 157 & 293 - 6

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The Ashes - I think it's all over! - Day 3

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussies bowl out England
Our spirit is bust

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussies keep batting
Their victory's a must

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Ponting's going for records
And England.........

....might just let him.

England 157 all out
Australia 602 - 9 & 181 - 1

Friday, November 24, 2006

The Ashes - Have we surrendered? - Day 2

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussie Bats are swinging
And they're kicking Pommie buts!

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Freddy's got 4 wickets
He's the only one with guts

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Aussie's declare at 602 - 9
Who can England trust?

Answer to last question is....

NOT Strauss or Cooke or Collingwood or...

Play ends with England on 53 - 3, only 549 behind!! But, didn't we lose the first Test last year? Perhaps this is all part of a great Master Plan to lull the Aussies into a false sense of security. Oh no, I've started to see PPFO's (Pink & Porky Flying Objects)!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The Ashes - Let Battle Commence - Day 1

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Harmison's bowling
I suppose he must

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Get the WD40
Coz Harmy's got rust!

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
England's best bowlers
Leave Aussies nonplussed

Australia finish on 334 - 3

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy Anniversary!

Well today is our third Anniversary and how time has flown. Whilst some of that day, three years ago, remains a bit of a blur (maybe due to a small amount of alcohol to settle the nerves) the main event remains remarkably clear. But it wasn't just the day itself that was so good, the weeks leading up to the “Big Day” helped to create the right kind of atmosphere as well. Not all of the preparations went entirely to plan, but when do they ever? Despite a few hiccups all minor setbacks were overcome, and the ceremony began. There were obviously the traditional hymns - Jerusalem and others - the photographers (yes there was more than one!) captured everything on film, and the number of people who had turned up to watch - even some without an invite - was amazing.

The day was such a happy one for all the right reasons.

We have had some very happy times since that day, although of late something seems to be missing. There appears to be too much criticism now, whereas previously we just worked together to sort things out. The illness and injuries we have suffered haven't helped (whatever happened to “...in sickness and in health”?) Nor have the retirement of some members of our “family” which sadly have increased the pressures upon us. However, at last things now seem to be a lot happier between us, and hopefully we can look to the future more positively. We have survived an early (very early!) seven year itch, and have come out the other side. In fact “...seven(s)” are possibly our luckiest number, far more so than fifteen, so on that basis (with three years down) at least the next 12 years should be OK!

So Happy Third Anniversary to us! We remain World Champions for at least one more year but the memories of that “Big Day” and our 20 - 17, Rugby World Cup victory over Australia will remain for very many years.

Please note - nowhere did I mention the word “wedding” or “marriage”!!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

A flash in the pan or.............?

Today, Moog & I went to Twickenham to watch England beat South Africa 23 - 21 in a tense, scrappy, less than impressive match, but one which despite all this England won, thereby ending a string of seven defeats. It was a great day, and the enlarged Twickenham is even more impressive than before, and was attended by a crowd of 80,000+ fans.

Whether or not England deserved to win is open to question, but the defining moment in the game is shown below. Josh Lewsey ran the length of the pitch to catch and tackle Jean de Villiers with a thundering "hit" which sent him flying into touch inches from the try line.


Formula for successful day:

Twickenham + Swing Low Sweet Chariot + National Anthem + Moog + double sausage baguette + beer + Josh Lewsey + England victory = Happiness

Friday, November 17, 2006

Lost in Translation?

Apparently, (and for those of you old enough to remember Frankie Howard "...Titter ye not!") I'm very "Big" in Japan. This may not come as much of a surprise to you (especially as the average height of a Japanese man is 5ft 4in, and the average height of a Japanese women is 5ft exactly) when you consider that I'm almost 5ft 11! However, this comment was not meant to be sizeist, but to reflect the fact that an article published in my name has actually created some (considerable?) interest amongst the Japanese press.
This resulted in me being interviewed today by a journalist from Nikkei (the Japanese equivalent of the Financial Times), an interview which was conducted in Japanese, although to help me with the few Japanese words that I didn't understand (99.99999% of them) an interpreter was also present.
It is quite a strange experience being interviewed in a language that is totally alien to you. I sat opposite the journalist who spoke to me as though I understood him, and yet I had made the decision not to mirror any of his many smiles or nods until his interpreter had spoken, as I didn't want to make the wrong gesture in the wrong place. To smile at the point where, for all I knew, he could have been telling me that he was late because his dog had just died, or to nod in agreement when he may have just told me that I reminded him of the devil, might not have been entirely appropriate.
The whole experience reminded me of a recent sketch on the Catherine "Do I look bovvered?" Tait show, where her character pretends to be able to speak, and translate, six languages in a business meeting, but in fact all that she is able to do is speak in six different stereotypical foreign sounding accents to match the nationality of the person she is supposedly translating for.
At times during my interview I did wonder whether it would have been worth trying "my version" of Japanese in response to some of the questions, but you will be pleased to hear that I resisted the urge to give it a go.
After an hour the interview finished with the interpreter asking whether any other Japanese media had made contact with me (that would be a “No”), and stating that Japanese women employees “...would love to hear me speak” - although this comment may have lost something in translation!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Batty about The Belfry

Today was the day that I finally got to play the world famous 'Brabazon' golf course at The Belfry.

I arrived early at 8am - two and a half hours before we were due to tee off - and went for some much needed practice on the driving range, where they had a machine that set up each ball on the tee for you so that you didn't even have to bend down. This which was particularly good as I had bought a big basket of balls as I needed the practice!
Our original four-ball had turned into a three-ball by the time we headed for the first tee. Nick had a 12 handicap, Simon 24 and me 26.
Standing on the first tee on such a course is very daunting, a few people were watching, and whilst the hole on paper was fairly straightforward - 370 yards and straight - the nerves soon started to take effect. Ball placed on tee, head down, club swung back and then....thwak! The contact had not been good, the ball had been "topped" and when I looked to see where it had gone, I saw that it had only just reached the women's tee! A distance of about 25 feet! What a relief...that is, what a (albeit unsporting) relief that it was Simon who had gone first.

Thankfully, and quite luckily my first shot went "straight down the middle for 200+ yards and I ended the hole with a net par 4.

The rest of the round was extremely enjoyable - some reasonable holes, a few poor ones, but enough good shots to remember the day positively. Whilst not my best hole of the day, the one that I shall remember most was the eighteenth where I ended with a net par 4.

Approaching the green from the other side of the lake with the Belfry hotel in the background was an amazing setting. To land on the green and then take just 2 puts was the icing on the cake.

Monday, November 13, 2006

SEV-UHRN!!!

It would be rude of me (and how unusual would that be?) to include a separate article extolling the virtues of Jamie Oliver's 'Fifteen' restaurant (so named because of the initial number of unemployed youngsters that Jamie "trained" to become chefs) without mentioning the other famous eating establishment 'Fifty-two' (so named because...of some other reason) where we enjoyed more fine fare.

It has to be said that in terms of the quality of food and wine, level of service, and value for money it surpassed 'Fifteen' on every count. Whilst only scoring “SEV-UHRN!!” on the LGPRS (Len Goodman Pukkaness Rating Scale) this seemed particularly harsh, and warranted at least a 9.
'Fifty-two' - which for some strange reason goes through an annual re-branding exercise (rumours in the industry have predicted that next year's new name will be...'Fifty-three') has managed to achieve that “...homely, cottagey, front room beside the fire” feel, where some guests almost feel as though clearing the table at the end of the meal and stacking the dishwasher is part of “...the experience” - however I personnally drew the line at this level of involvement.

In terms of areas for improvement - these are very difficult to identify - the on-line booking service seemed to be causing some problems (cries of “...this F*****g machine” were heard from the restaurant's IT Department on at least one occasion!); and whilst the night-time views from the restaurant compared favourably with those of 'Fifteen', (or anywhere else in the world in the dark for that matter) these were less impressive during the day; (although we were led to believe that this was to be addressed “...dreckly”, subject to suitable funding being achieved.) One final point of concern relates to the restaurant dog. Whilst I had plenty to eat, the dog just looked “stuffed”, and didn't appear able to move very far at all under its own steam (or maybe it wasn't steam-powered after all).

All in all however, a great restaurant and a great week-end.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Pukka food!!


After a day looking around Truro, (including the inside of a very interesting Cornish pub that served, of all things, beer); this evening we treated ourselves to a meal at Jamie Oliver's new restaurant in Cornwall - "Fifteen".

The six course "tasting" menu consisted (my choices) of: -
  • Olives, freshly baked bread and dipping olive oil;
  • Antipasti of sweet chillies, oranges, salami, ham etc
  • Crab Risotto
  • Slow roasted belly of 'rare breed' Pork
  • Cheese and fruit loaf
  • Tiramisu

All washed down with water, cocktails, wine and coffee.

Good food, good service, good value - definitely a Pukka evening!

Friday, November 10, 2006

The advantages of flying

Whilst I accept that flying isn't the most environmentally friendly thing that you can do, it does have one big advantage over other forms of travel - speed.

Today we were flying down to see our very good friends S&N in Cornwall and were able to fly from Gatwick to Newquay direct.

Had we been driving, the journey would have taken between 4 and five hours!

But instead, we just had a short drive from home (which we left at 10.30 am) to the long stay car-park at Gatwick North Terminal; a short bus trip from the car park to the airport; and then having navigated ourselves through airport security and waited for our flight to be called we were soon on the aircraft.

The rubber band having been tightly wound, we were soon hurtling down the runway (after a short delay of about 20 mins on the runway whilst the "bigger" jets took off and landed) and Newquay bound. The flight itself was less than an hour!

Newquay is only a small airport and so within 15 minutes we had our suitcase and N was there to meet us for the 20 minute drive to their cottage in Ladock were we arrived just after 3 o'clock.

And so the whole journey had only taken us four and a half hours - FOUR & A HALF HOURS!!! I could have driven quicker.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

580 million people use my escalator!

This must be true, because I saw it this evening on a London Transport poster at London Bridge station as I travelled home from work, & I believe everything that they (London Transport) tell me. I mean when have you ever known a train timetable to be inaccurate?

Even so, 580 million people is an awful lot of people. Whilst it is often very busy, I think this could be a slight exaggeration, albeit that it didn't state over what period this many people used it.

To put the number into perspective it is equivalent to the populations of Europe queuing one behind the other and travelling up to street level from the underground below. Given that this would theoretically include French, Spanish and Italians queuing one behind each other - which is not a concept that I think that they understand - this fact may be not as accurate as I first thought!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Every silver lining has a cloud!

Two things at work reminded me of the above - one of which occurred a week or so ago and the other today.

I was recently contacted by a headhunter from a London firm which shall remain nameless, other than to say that the name of the firm includes the word "Struggles", (look up "Headhunter" & "Struggles" in Google if you don't believe me) and I can see why.

The consultant said that I had been difficult to get hold of (?) and that he wanted to talk to me about an exciting opportunity that I appeared to be very well suited for. Whilst not particularly looking to move jobs, I was "interested" and said that I would ring him back. Upon doing so, the consultant advised me that the "fantastic" opportunity was in Malaysia, and would be..... to set up an "Emerging Markets Division" from scratch. Sadly at this point I had to advise him that as this was nothing to do with the line of work I'm in, possibly he had the wrong contact, or right contact wrong job, or......

Today's similar anti climax involved the fact that I was nominated for an award at work for a highly confidential piece of work that I have been involved with over recent months. Fantastic! However, not so fantastic was the fact that I was also advised that I hadn't been successful as due to the confidentiality of the issue involved , my boss had been unable to explain to the awards 'panel' the extent of the work undertaken. (Or if she had told them she would have had to kill them & I still wouldn't have received the award!)

C'est la vie.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Never suck a Mento whilst drinking Diet Coke

In June this year having heard about what happens if you drop a fruit mento sweet into a bottle of Diet Coke, we decided to try ourselves and managed to achieve a soda "fountain" of about 16 feet in height, as can be seen in the picture below.

However, following a little sponsorship from Mentos and Coca Cola, the originators of the experiment have come up with the following cross between a domino rally & the Mentos & Diet Coke challenge.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Move over Nostrodamos - IV

Former England star Bill Beaumont returns to the pitch for England v All Blacks match” was the sub heading in the Evening Standard article about England's record defeat againts the All Blacks.

Whilst Beaumont didn't actually play in the match (I believe solely due to the difficulty of arranging death in service insurance for a 55 year old) the above article did state that: -

Bill Beaumont was among a group of England greats parading around the pitch and Robinson will be forgiven for wishing he could have called upon their services on the field of play”

Accurate enough?

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Move over Nostrodamos - III

Whilst not a universally read journal the Leeds University News advertised this weekend that “Fire & Explosion Engineering MSc part-time positions were available across the UK”.

This is yet another example of psychic powers, and all the more amazing due to the fact that the article doesn't relate to the easily predictable Bonfire Night celebrations.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Move over Nostradamos - II

Headline in Blackpool Gazette - "Rooney saved in re-lit fire as sick arson attack kills beloved pet"

TWO Blackpool schoolchildren have been left distraught after an arson attack killed one of their family pets and left two others badly injured.
Chloe Jessop, nine, and her six-year-old brother Joseph are now nursing Rooney the guinea pig and Snowbell the rabbit back to health after the fire in their garden shed that claimed the life of Beckham, a second guinea pig.

As for how Rooney re-lit the fire is subject to conjecture, but I think that you'll agree this is further evidence of psychic powers!!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Move over Nostradamos

Glasgow shivers as Big Freeze arrives” was, as predicted, the headline in the 'Glasgow Herald and Times' with the article warning motorists to take extra care to avoid potential “chaos”.

I will assess my success over the next four days prior to deciding whether or not to establish the first online investment service that actually can “guarantee” success.

Look out for tomorrow's headlines.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

A position of influence

Further evidence has emerged regarding the influence of this Blog. Last week I described the problems surrounding computer keyboards and poor hygiene and today the following article appears in the news.

Flat keyboard 'could reduce MRSA'

A hospital has developed a computer keyboard which it says could cut cases of the MRSA superbug by 10%.
Research shows as many as 25% of keyboards carry MRSA - one of a number of hospital-acquired infections which kill 5,000 people each year in the UK.
Plastic keyboard covers are often used but these can be hard to clean.
The University College London Hospitals NHS Trust keyboard is flat and so easy to clean - and is coated in silicon to help ward off bacteria.
The trust is starting to install them and if they prove successful the rest of the NHS may follow.
Duncan Burton, the modern matron in charge of infection control at UCL, said: "They're flat, they're very easy to clean with alcohol wipes, it makes it much quicker for nurses to clean them and nurses are responsible for cleaning keyboards in the clinical areas.
Dr Peter Wilson, the consultant microbiologist who came up with the idea for the keyboards, said: "The numbers of keyboards are going to rise astronomically over the next few years".

My predictions for news items/headlines over the next few days are: -

Friday - The Big Freeze causes travel chaos
Saturday - Rooney relights his fire
Sunday - Fires and explosions spread across UK
Monday - Bill Beaumont stars against All Blacks as England rugby injury crisis deepens

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Funniest thing ever?

Whilst possibly not the funniest thing ever, but certainly the funniest thing that I've seen in a long time - tonight we watched 'The Secret Policeman's Ball, which we recorded a few days ago on Sky+. One advantage of Sky+ is that you can watch at speeds of up to x30, stopping and viewing only those bits that look as though they'll be worth watching. We didn't stop often, but thankfully we did stop at the bit where David Armand did his brilliant mime routine in which he acts out all the lines from Natalie Imbruglia’s song Torn. This in itself was fantastic, but when Imbruglia herself came on — first just to sing, then to join in the mime — it got even better, and must have stolen the show.

Sadly the overall effect (and quality) isn't quite as good in the attached clips, but this is still my prescription for anyone feeling depressed - watch it, learn it, mime it - NOW!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osnUB9bUm-E (long version)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk7KhIJfNRI (short version)

Sunday, October 29, 2006

A matter of course(s)

In a further attempt to gain some practice ahead of my planned visit to The Belfry in November, Moog & I had a round of golf at Horsham Golf Park. Now, Horsham is a municipal pay & play course and is described as follows:

"Horsham, which opened its doors in 1993, is a short but challenging parkland course with several water features to catch out the unwitting golfer. It is ideal for players new to the game and those who are slightly more skilled.
The course comprises a selection of tricky par threes and greens that are well protected by various different hazards."


Whereas, the Brabazon course at the Belfry is described thus: -

"Legendary in the world of Golf, the Brabazon course has tested many of the games greats, Faldo, Ballesteros and Woods to name a few and is regarded throughout the world as a great championship course. Having hosted the Ryder Cup matches an unprecedented four times, it is a course that every golfer aspires to play.

To follow in the footsteps of the world's greatest ever players is something that sends a tingle down your spine."


As for the last point - so does 240 volts, but it doesn't mean that the experience is either good for you or enjoyable!

Anyway due to the similarity between the descriptions of the two courses we decided that the former would be a suitable test. The net result (minus the technical shots that couldn't be counted) was a round of 57 which is spookily the same number of golf balls that I'll probably lose at The Belfry!!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Corporate (in)hospitality

I have recently been invited to play a round (or should that be around?) of golf at a municipal pay and play course in the Midlands called - rather pretentiously - “The Belfry”.

Given that my golf is, even at the best of times, so rusty that no amount of WD40 would ease it I decided to get some practice in.

I therefore played 18 holes at Rookwood Golf Course near Horsham, which turned out to be a slow tedious affair, as similarly “proficiently challenged” Horsham folk decided to engage in an attempt at the world record for slow walking in open spaces.

Despite the tedium, I managed to convince myself that I had only taken 102 shots, a record low for me! For anyone who was on the course at the same time as me and who wants a technical explanation of the reason why I didn't count the additional 12 shots that I appeared to take during the round, please send a S.A.E to 'The Editor', Get a Life Magazine, PO Box 508 508, MK36 2FO, together with a cheque for £48!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

A Dummy's Guide to Computer Cleaning

Today was a reasonable today and was only spoiled when a colleague advocated removing the keys from my computer keyboard to aid its cleaning.

Clearly she wasn't suggesting that all the keys be removed in one go - as we both decided that other than the QWERTY keys, we might not be able to replace all of the keys in the right order (unless we copied another keyboard of course).

I only took one key off - the space-bar - only to be confronted by 4 years' of "debris" - dust, food, grime and various human "matter" - eyelashes, nails, hair - (who knows from where!) congealed in every nook and cranny.

It is fair to say that if Annie & Aggie ever host a programme called "How clean is your keyboard?" mine would be a candidate for the environmental computer scrapheap. After deciding that I couldn't face removing any more keys, I put the space-bar back.

Needless to say, it failed to work properly thereafter - either not depressing at all (in fact I was the only one that was depressed) or sticking down when pressed, producing line after line of spaces.

If anyone is ever tempted to try this, let me give you one piece of advice... DON'T DO IT!

Sweet dreams are made of....? What?

I'm sure that there are many theories relating to factors which increase the liklihood of an individual remembering his or her dreams. However, whilst I am clearly sad enough to do the research I currently just don't have the time.

So, why is it that when I wake up in the middle of the night I can often remember that I have just had a vivid and detailed dream, and that whilst I'm lying in that half asleep state I can, to a degree, continue experiencing (in my mind!) certain elements of it. However, as soon as I open my eyes, the memory is wiped. It is the equivalent of typing “> format c:” on a computer, everything goes!

Now, I suppose I could experiment by keeping my eyes shut to see if there link between eyelid and the “format brain - (or at least the dream storage part of it) function”. However, the usual reason for the mid-night wakening is to pay a visit to the “smallest room”, and whilst usually keen to take part in any scientific study which benefits mankind in general, I am also aware that: -

Sleepy + Hurry + Closed Eyes + Low Ceiling = Concussion + Dopey + Memory Loss

Therefore, whichever course I take, memory loss appears to be a constant, although one has less potential for bruising!

Looking back at the above formula, for some reason “snippets” of last nights dream are coming back to me. Snow White and five of her dwarfs (should that be “dwarves"? or alternatively “D-warfs”?) featured. But where were the other two dwarfs?, what were they doing?, and why was Snow White reading Prima magazine and an article that began with “O”?

Oh well, let's see what happens tonight........

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Can my friend Derek come home to tea?

It was announced today (Yes, today being October 24th 2006) that 38 years after he first appeared on TV, Basil Brush has been nominated for a children's Bafta.

It seems that (Boom! Boom!) Basil, whilst making a tremendous contribution to society in his early years, has yet to receive the public acclaim that he so richly deserves.

I know what you're thinking, young Basil and I seem to have so much in common.

This reminds me of an incident about 17 years ago, when our son (who was finding his feet at Infant School) came home one afternoon, and asked if he could bring his new friend “Derek", home for tea. On asking his teacher, the following day what Derek was like, she appeared somewhat amused, and explained that Derek was her partner (and was in his 50's), and visited the school to hear the children read. In fact Derek, turned out to be Derek Fowldss aka "Mr Derek" of Basil Brush fame.

Whilst an extremely pleasant man, he never did come home for tea!

“...I see” said the blind man, who could not see at all

Whilst there has been much comment over recent days regarding David Blunket's autobiography, which has been serialised in the national papers - detailing, in varying degrees, blind stupidity, love blindness and general blind panic on occasions (how else would you describe the fact that he allegedly told the head of HM Prisons to “machine-gun” the rioting inmates) - the following story has similar components but in a totally different set of circumstances.

A blind and deaf man who cannot drive has been sent a £60 speeding fine.

Police claimed Martyn Styles, 42, who says he has never sat behind the wheel of a car, was caught in a speed trap doing 36 mph in a 30 mph area in Hull.

Mr Styles, of Tunbridge Wells, was also told he would have three points put on his licence - even though he doesn't have one. He said his wife Dawn drives their Renault Scenic Privilege but on the day of the offence the family was at their nine-year-old son's school - 180 miles from Hull.

Monday, October 23, 2006

New home for the “Hamster”?

Richard Hammond has started to explain how close to death he came, and what the period after the accident was really like, in an article in the Daily Mirror. He explains that his severe injury reduced him to a "child-like state" in which he became obsessed with Lego, which he also said helped him recover.

Given the Hamster's diminutive size, I can imagine Jeremy Clarkson, responding that it is perhaps a little early for Hammond to be building himself a new home!

Friday, October 20, 2006

Words & figures differ

As we all know there are differences (sometimes subtle, sometimes not) between the English language and that spoken by people in America (which they refer to as English, but which is clearly not!).

For example - 'Pants', in English refers to an item of underwear (usually a lady's), whereas in American it means trousers, the 'Second Floor' in an America building, refers to the 'First Floor' in an English one, and so on. Therefore if you are looking for a pair of pants in an American department store and ask for directions, and an assistant tells you that they can be found on the Second Floor, forget it, you'll never find them (although on the floor below you may find some nice trousers!).

Now, if you do something that you will never have been asked to do before, (and will never be asked to do again), that is, transpose the word "pants" with the words "...weapons of mass destruction", you may begin to realise how it why it was almost (OK totally) impossible to find them.

Such confusion is also seen in numbers. Look at the difference in the following numerical terms: -

  1. A British "billion", is an American "trillion"
  2. A British "trillion", is an American "quintillion", and
  3. A British "quintillion", is an American "nonillion".

Clearly coincidentally, the impact of the above differences means that whenever an American company compares its level of profits with that of their British competitors, they appear bigger and more successful.

It is therefore not surprising that good(?) old George Dublya gets confused on occasions.

Recently, one of George's aides woke him up in the middle of the night to
advise him that in the past 24 hours 4 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in
Iraq. George put his head in his hands and exclaimed "...that is terrible!"
George, looking slightly puzzled, then asked "...exactly how many is a
Brazilian?"

God bless America!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Child prodigy - Part 2

Today we have seen the following news item appear, and the only thing that is amazing about it is that it has taken scientists so long to develop something that I was personally demonstrating in 1965!

The article states that: -

A US-British team of scientists has successfully tested a cloak of invisibility in the laboratory.
The device mostly hid a small copper cylinder from microwaves in tests at Duke University, North Carolina.
It works by deflecting the microwaves around the object and restoring them on the other side, as if they had passed through empty space.

The cloak consists of 10 fibreglass rings covered with copper elements and is classed as a "metamaterial" - an artificial composite that can be engineered to produce a desired change in the direction of electromagnetic waves.

The articles also said “...But making an object vanish before a person's eyes is still the stuff of science fiction - for now”.

Who are they trying to kid! My family has long known that when I was 5, I made a horse invisible (albeit that they diminish this achievement by simply saying that I had an invisible horse - which is clearly something quite different). Proof of this achievement, was evidenced by the fact that when I had to "...let go of the reins", to tie my shoelace or something, whoever was with me would take hold of them, so that the horse wouldn't run off!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

An unhealthy interest in current affairs

T has been taking a lot of interest in the spate (is this derived from the past tense of to spit? e.g. “I was spitting...” or “...I spate”) of recent news items relating to both prison overcrowding and the fact that convicted murderers are being released early, and then often committing further heinous crimes.

Such an interest in current affairs is admirable, but to be heard muttering “...none of them has served a 26 year sentence!” as she handed me a wedding anniversary card, slightly took the edge off what was otherwise a very happy day.

Some might say “...Harsh, but fair!”

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

One day in history

The following (mundane) entry was the one I submitted as part of the 'History Matters' blog to capture "a day in the life of..." ordinary UK citizens.

Alarm went off as usual at 5.40 am, although today I “snoozed" for another 10 minutes before getting up. By 6.15, having washed and dressed, I was in the car for the 10 minute drive to Horsham station. The temperature was a very mild 14 degrees. After buying my "usual" Earl Grey tea in the station cafe, I caught the 6.35 train to London Bridge. The train, as was becoming more commonplace, arrived on time, and I settled down for the 70 minute journey, on this 13 stop service. I spent the journey compiling this blog on my BlackBerry and preparing for the workshop that I was to attend. We arrived at London Bridge station at 7.48 and then I took the Jubilee line train to Canary Wharf and reached my desk at 8.15. A door to door journey time of 2 hours - pretty much as usual.
My "work" day started at 8.30 am with a breakfast meeting, a combination of HR compliance issues and sausage baguettes - one of which I enjoyed thoroughly.
The bulk of the day was taken up with a workshop held in 1 Canada Square, the UK's tallest building, which ended at 5.30 pm, so managed to get home by 7.30 pm.
The evening was a combination of workshop preparation, evening meal, and TV, before going to bed just before midnight, so that a good five hours sleep could be had before the next days events began again!!

Monday, October 16, 2006

The dangers of identity theft

The news this morning contained a report about the dangers and consequences of identity theft in the UK.

Apparently 46% of adults in the UK still throw away bank statements in the rubbish bin, and 30% credit card statements. Armed with such information, thieves are able to “assume” the identity of people and successfully apply for credit in their name.

This news item was particularly relevant as our Education correspondent (and daughter) LLBB lost her handbag on Saturday, which contained bank books, credit cards etc.

What if somebody steals her identity?

She was due to come home this weekend, but if someone has stolen her identity, who knows who might turn up? What do we say to them if we don't think its her? Do we let them in to see whether they are tidier, cheaper etc than the real LLBB, or what?

They are right when they say that identity fraud is difficult to deal with. Let's hope that somebody hands LLBB's handbag into the authorities!


NEWS FLASH!! - THE HANDBAG HAS BEEN HANDED IN!! LLBB'S IDENTITY IS SAFE...OR SO WE HAVE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE

Sunday, October 15, 2006

A glorious Autumn day in the woods

What a wonderful day....


Despite being mid October, today was one of warm temperatures and bright blue skies, and we decided to visit Winkworth Arboretum with [the] Moog, Ali & Barkley. Whilst the trees weren't exhibiting their full range of Autumn colours, the weather was so glorious that it was too good a day to miss.


Saturday, October 14, 2006

If you ever get the hump!

If you ever get the hump, when all around you (or all THOSE around you) get you down; when everything that everyone does seems designed to cause you trouble, angst or upset, think about this amazing photograph. The phto was taken directly above a camel train in the desert, when the sun was low in the sky. And as you look at the picture remember that you shouldn't take things for granted and that they are not always as they seem. Sometimes they are quite simply amazing...


The black shapes are the shadows...the camels are beige!

Friday, October 13, 2006

An audience with the Queen

Whilst I am not particularly suspicious I did wonder what this Friday 13th would bring...

When T suggested this afternoon that we go to "...see The Queen" this evening, I was initially taken aback thinking that our royal connections were about to be re-established again.

However, it transpired that it was the movie, starring Helen Mirren & Michael Sheen, that was being referred to, and which was showing in Crawley.

When I arrived back in Horsham station car park, having taken my usual commute from London to Horsham, I was pleased that the day - Friday 13th - had been uneventful with no major or minor disaster occurring. As I walked into the station car park I couldn't remember where in the car park I had parked my car that morning. Until I remembered... I had parked it in Gatwick Airport!! I therefore had to get the train back to Gatwick and then drive to the cinema in Crawley. Suspicious me? Well, maybe.

However, the film was excellent and the travel difficulties were soon forgotten. Michael Sheen was excellent as Tony Blair, and I'm not sure whether Helen Mirren was playing the Queen or vice versa, she was that good. The film itself covers at the interaction between HM Elizabeth II and Prime Minister Tony Blair during their struggle, following the death of Diana, to reach a compromise between what was a private tragedy for the Royal family and the public's demand for an overt display of mourning.

My memories of Princess Di's funeral brought back painful memories for me too. We were watching the funeral in S&N's house and whilst holding a mug of hot black coffee in my left hand, somebody asked me what the time was. Just as anybody would do (anybody with only half a brain cell that is) I turned my wrist to look at my watch pouring boiling hot coffee into my lap.

I therefore spent the next 15 minutes of the funeral having a cold shower. Such painful memories....

Thursday, October 12, 2006

A night of two sporting disasters...or The Graduate revisited

Whilst one of the "disasters" simply related to an England Goalkeeper attempting - and failing with a spectacular mis-kick - to clear a back-pass which resulted in an own goal and ultimate defeat in the match; the other "disaster" was far more serious as it involved the death of a famous baseball star as his light aircraft crashed into a high rise building in New York. Both events (strangely) made me think of the lyrics to the theme tune of the film “The Graduate”.

Here, in a slightly amended form, are the lyrics in question: -

It's coz of your misses Robinson,
That Croats love you more than you will know.
Could you please miss the [team] buses Robinson.
Zagreb holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey

We'd like to know a little bit about your for our files
We'd like to help you learn to kick yourself.
Look around you all you see are unsympathetic eyes,
Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home.

It's coz of your misses Robinson.
That Croats love you more than you will know.
Could you please miss the [team] buses Robinson.
Zagreb holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey

Hide it [the VT] in a hiding place where no one ever goes.
Put it in your pantry with your cup mistakes.
It's no more a secret - it's the Robinson "affair".
Most of all you've got to hide it from [Dennis] Norden's kids.

Koo-koo-ka-choo, Goalie Robinson,
The Croats love you more than you will know.
Could you please miss the [team] buses Robinson.
Zagreb holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon.
Not going to the selection debate.
Laugh about it, shout about it
When they've got to choose
Every way you look at this you lose.

Where have you gone, Cory Liddle Oh,
Our nation turns it's lonely eyes to you.
What's that you say, Mr. Robinson.
Cory's left and now he's flown away,
Hey hey hey.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Never work with children or animals!

However wise the above adage may be for the acting fraternity, it clearly causes more difficulty for teachers and zookeepers!

This Blogs Education Correspondent - LLBB - has recently reported that young teachers have been advised to be careful not simply to answer every question that they are asked by their pupils, but to ensure that they fully understand what is being requested before giving their response.

The wisdom of these words is demonstrated by the following (obviously) true story.

A young boy asked his teacher how to spell “penis”. Rather taken aback (but wisely following the aforementioned advice) the teacher asked the young lad why he wanted to know, to which he replied: -

“...well I know how to spell “Hap” but I don't know how to spell “piness”!”

LLBB also reports that Group 3 “...rocks”, although it is accepted that this will mean little to the majority of blogees.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Faster that a speeding bullet?

OK, so the results are in, and I did manage to achieve a personal best time in the Run London 10k, of 53 mins and 25 secs.

The video of my finish can be found on the attached link.

If you have difficulty spotting me, its because the video compression techniques that Nike use to produce the videos - so that they play on all formats of PC - make me (but surprisingly, not others!) look slow, fat and balding!!

(I am actually seen crossing the line in 55 mins and 29 secs, but as with all such races, it takes a couple of minutes to actually get over the start line.)

Enjoy!

http://www.runlondon.com/tenkresults/videofinish.aspx?UserRunResultId=664ffa38-9b62-439f-a173-eb7659f212c6

Sunday, October 08, 2006

A sporting weekend


Two sporting events dominated this weekend. Firstly a round of golf (I think my first game since Christmas) on Saturday, followed by the Nike 10k run in Hyde Park on Sunday.

The golf surprisingly ended in victory, (No, I wasn't playing alone!) and I came reasonably close to scoring a hole in one on the 17th, and not too far off achieving an eagle two at the last. (Not to mention the pigeon I nearly got on the 7th!)

The Nike run on Sunday included a momentous moment for me when, for the first time in a competitive race, I actually managed to overtake Paula Radcliffe!

OK, so she is 6 months pregnant; was stood still when I overtook her, mainly because she wasn't actually taking part in my race...she was just starting it, but...strictly speaking the above account is technically accurate.

(Paula did take part in the next race, where she went round in a "very gentle jog" due to her condition....and beat me by about 8 minutes!)

As for my time...I'm not actually sure, somewhere around 53 minutes I hope, which would be a personal best.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

It's not nice to gloat!

Before starting this story I should point out to any dyslexic readers that this Blog is not connected in any way to the previous Blog “Do you take this gloat to be your lawfully wedded wife?”.

Now when bringing up a young family there are many things that you try to teach them along the way, so that they reach adulthood espousing the attitudes and values that will stand them in good stead in society.

These values include honesty, integrity, humility, compassion and modesty

Sadly, for the last six weeks such values have been decidedly lacking between father (yours truly) and son. The reason - our performances within the Telegraph Fantasy Football League.

The “Moog” has been extremely lucky in reaching a position of 17,000 ish, whereas (as previously reported) my skillfully selected team is close behind in 239,000 ish place.

Well this week I actually scored more points than him, climbing 6,000 places whilst he fell over 20,000. At this rate I should overtake him by Christmas!!

As for the above mentioned values....forget it! From here there's only one direction that I'm going in (& sadly it is most probably downwards!)

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

How masterful were the grand masters?

The National Gallery today “unveiled” (actually I think it just “opened”) its Cezanne exhibition, marking the centenary of the master's death. This led me to think two things.

Firstly, what skill do you need to be able to exhibit to be described 100 years later as a “master”? Secondly, why would anybody want an event to mark (or celebrate) their death?

What did people of the mid 1800's actually think of young Paul? Did they think that his paintings were “...a bit splodgy”; “...lacked detail” and were generally devoid of facial detail because “...he couldn't really capture expressions”? Or did they stand in awe of his artistry?

Given that his work was generally ignored during his lifetime, it appears that the former are more likely to represent the views of the time.

Thankfully, the fact that my work is also largely ignored, possibly means that in 2146, I could be considered an absolute genius.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Will Young concert - Wembley Arena

After a very pleasant afternoon wandering around Covent Garden and an excellent meal at Cafe Rouge we headed off to the revamped Wembley Arena to see Will Young in concert.

To quote the Evening Standard Reviewer (who for the most part I agreed with, and where I didn't I have used my self appointed right of censorship!)...

“Young and a top-notch team of dancers, singers and musicians treated the fans
to a huge theatrical production that featured an array of costumes, sets and themes.
With five No 1 singles and two No 1 albums behind him, Young has amassed quite a back catalogue in the last four years and his confident 20-song extravaganza was a timely reminder of his rapid development from Pop Idol winner to heavyweight artist.
Opening with Keep On, the title track of his current album, Young stunned the
audience as he turned it into a sizzling song-and-dance number, looking cool and confident in a dashing air steward's outfit.
Every couple of songs saw the show's format change drastically, the only common
factors being exquisite sets, impeccably tailored period costumes, faultless dance routines and a strong, sensitive vocal performance. All I Want was a highlight, with an equestrian-themed routine that wouldn't have been out of place on the West End stage.
His version of Love The One You're With felt genuinely soulful, but from a purely musical point of view, his finest moments came during a gospel-style session with three excellent backing singers.
Stripped of all the razzmatazz, his voice shone during this tender medley of What's In Goodbye and Love Struck.
He pulled out all the stops with his encore, an impressive extended version of Switch It On, featuring yet more beautiful costumes and a spirited dance routine, hammering home his credentials as a consummate professional showman.”

All in all, an excellent evening!

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Work it out for yourself

Here are four facts: -

  1. In 1969 I invented the videophone. Whilst this invention was at an advanced stage in my mind sufficient for me to share the conceptual details with E W Hildick, the acclaimed author, I did not actually produce a working prototype.

  2. In 2006 it is commonplace to see people walking around with these phones that can both play videos and take photographs.

  3. In the 1960's and 1970's people who walked around seemingly talking to themselves (or voices in their own head) were locked up and put in mental institutions.

  4. Now it is commonplace to see people walking around seemingly talking to themselves, whereas in fact they are simply using "Bluetooth" headsets to talk on a "hands free" basis via their mobile phone.

Here are four questions: -

  1. Is the current short of world class inventors in the UK partly due to the fact that we locked many of them up in the 60's and 70's?

  2. Are those people who are currently walking around seemingly talking to themselves just using a "Bluetooth" headset to hide the fact that they are actually talking to themselves AND should actually be locked up in a mental institution?

  3. If parliament is an institution, and much of what is said within in it appears to be "mental", does that make it....?

  4. Should the practice of locking people up in mental institutions in the 60's and 70's have been extended to include at least one more person?

Thursday, September 28, 2006

A tale (?) of two Hamsters

After last week's horrific crash from which it looked likely that Richard "Hamster" Hammond looked at though he would not survive the night, it is great to report that he was actually able to walk from the helicopter to the ambulance when he transferred from a hospital in Leeds to one in Bristol. He is clearly a "survivor"!

25 years ago, the same could not be said regarding another Hamster.

We had a pet Hamster in our first flat. A flat, which from memory, never experienced temperatures above freezing. (It was supposedly heated by 2 or 3 night storage heaters, but whatever they stored over night it was not heat, or if it was, that heat was never released to the outside world. Thinking about it, they could actually have been the very best "storage" devices ever made.)

Sadly, the Hamster - like Richard Hammond - appeared to be a speed demon as it ran around inside its plastic ball, sometimes crashing into objects with such force that the two halves of the ball fell apart, thereby allowing it to escape for hours on end.

One day, before "Hammy" was a year old, we found him "dead as a proverbial parrot", and regrettably had to bury him in the garden.

Now, when I say "dead", Hammy certainly appeared dead. Unfortunately, what we didn't know was that hamsters can hibernate when there is a sudden change in their environment i.e. sudden temperature drop, lack of water, etc. A hibernating hamster may apparently appear stiff and cold with little evidence of breathing and many owners have assumed a hibernating hamster to be dead at first.

Had we known this we would have been able to follow the recommended advice which is to place them in a warm room or to increase the temperature of the room gradually.

The advice further suggests that the hamster should not be placed near a fire or on a radiator or anywhere in extreme heat, so I guess that putting him in a plastic bag on top of the night storage heater wasn't the best thing that we could have done either.

Two hamsters, two different outcomes. One survived having received the very best medical attention, the other....sadly just had us!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I look up to them...and they look down on me!

With reference to a previous Blog ("Is there anything worse than coming fourth?) my current position in the Daily Telegraph Fantasy Football League has plummeted to 239,805th!

Now if a podium were created so that all participants in the "League" could take their rightful position, I would clearly be some distance below the person currently in first place.

Whilst there is no standard design or dimensions for such podiums*, if we assume that each level was 20 cm below the previous one, and that each successive level would contain an extra individual to the one before, I would be on the 692nd level at a distance of 14km/9 miles below the winner.

*Clearly I have thoroughly researched this and details can be found in the following link -http://www.aafla.org/SportsLibrary/Olympika/Olympika_1998/olympika0701f.pdf#search=%22medal%20podium%20dimensions%20olympic%22

Saturday, September 23, 2006

A global warning!

Unfortunately, Auntie Sheila's visit from the US became somewhat restricted due to the current security restrictions in place. However, we made sure that we visited her in the Guantanamo Bay 'styled' unit where she was staying whilst over here!

It is not quite clear why she has been detained in this way, but it may have been that the security services picked up some of the stories that she has been telling.

One story that may have been "misinterpreted" related to her talking about a future global "threat" that may take place soon.

As with other potential disasters and pandemics - like global warming and bird flu - this "threat" started small, but has grown considerably over the last 40+ years.

Initially restricted to the North Eastern states of the USA, it now transpires that it is about to extend its impact on a global scale.

Soon to hit, China, Brazil and even as far as New Zealand, will anywhere feel safe?

There is no vaccine and no known cure, but very soon Steve Lopiano will be coming to a city near you!!!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

The world's fastest hamster?

As TV presenter Richard Hammond fights for his life after a horrific crash in a jet propelled car, travelling at close to 300 mph, tributes appeared at similar speeds all over the internet.

At such times people often think too carefully about the words that they use and consequently don't appear as genuine or as compassionate as I'm sure they really are.

Others don't really care what people think and simply say what they feel. One such individual is Jeremy Clarkson who said that they didn't know whether his friend and co-presenter would live or die, but added that he hoped that they would “...get their hamster (Hammond's affectionate nickname on the show) back soon".

It later transpired that Clarkson had also made “the hamster” smile by telling him that he was a c**p driver!

“...and this year's Ronseal award for plain speaking goes to...”

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The downside of "Celebrity"

Having now appeared as an “expert” in THE national daily newspaper in the UK, there appears little left for me to achieve.

Additionally, whereas I could previously stand unnoticed on the station platform, today was noticeably different. All around me I could sense Telegraph readers nudging their travelling companions as they looked in my direction. What started as a single, whispered question from one commuter to another of “...is it HIM?”, soon became a near intolerable caucophony of sound....as the train arrived and everyone (in a vain attempt to show respect to my new celebrity status by treating me as a "normal" commuter) pushed me aside to get one of the few remaining seats on the train.

OK, so no-one actually noticed the article or commented on it!

Apparently anyone quizzing a child today is more likely to hear, “I want to be famous!” as being famous now counts as a career ambition all on its own, partly because as children grow up in a celebrity culture, on first name terms with those who only use one name — Kylie, Posh, Jordan, Madonna, Beckham, Beyoncé — their own aspiration to celebrity increases.

They should however beware, for to misquote a "misquote" in my article, celebrity isn't "...all it's cracked up to be!".

I am pleased to report however that not all schoolchildren have identical ambitions. In conversation with two young, newly graduated teachers on Sunday, one (who to protect her identity shall simply be known as Rachel) recounted a story about an exercise in a primary school in which she was working recently, where pupils were asked to think about what they wanted to be when they grew up.

On asking one young girl what she wanted to be, she replied "...a tooth fairy!". Cute or what?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Monday, September 18, 2006

Do you take this goat to be your lawfully wedded wife?

When I was young, I remember my mother using the phrase - “Stop getting on my goat...” Which I was led to believe meant to stop "...getting on her nerves".

However, now I'm not so sure...

Apparently a man in Sudan has been forced to "marry" a goat after the owner caught him in an "intimate" position.

Mr Alifi, the goat's owner, caught Mr Tombe having sex with his goat, and took him to a council of elders.The council ordered Tombe to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50US) to Alifi. Alifi says, "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together."

Mr Alifi, describes the scene, (which actually happened late in the evening of 13 February 2006) saying, "When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up.They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife."

This romantic tale (maybe the goat did actually have a romantic tail!) gives rise to a number of questions: -

  • What did that northern saying really mean?
  • Was this an early Valentines Day present?
  • Was Mr Tombe so ugly that all that he could attract was a goat? (Surely goats in Sudan can't be more attractive that even the least aesthetically pleasing Sudanese woman?
  • How did they know how much a dowry for a goat was?
  • Is there a list of differing amounts for different animals? If so, where does the goat feature in the top 50?
  • What will happen to the kids?

Saturday, September 16, 2006

A community project

Spent the day with a four work colleagues (and various offspring!) decorating a Somali nursery in the East End of London.
It was a bit like DIY SOS, only on the TV programme the experts are required at the start of the project, whereas I think we could have done with them after we'd finished!

However, the end result was still a great improvement on what had previously been there - it was now cleaner, brighter, more colourful and safer - even if there are unlikely to be any awards for the quality of the craftmanship.

Friday, September 15, 2006

How shy is Donald Trump?

When we were last in New York, there was little to suggest that DT was the shy and retiring type.

When we were interviewed by a freelance reporter for the New York Times, he was writing a piece about a new restaurant at the top of Trump (not Tmrup or *****) Tower.

DT also has a number of casinos bearing his name, and his face currently appears on billboards all over Time Square promoting the US version of 'The Apprentice'.
I know what he looks like. You know what he looks like. We both know he is about as shy and retiring as Alan Sugar!!

So, when watching an episode of 'The Apprentice' last night, I was again somewhat surprised by what I saw. DT went out and about in a black stretch limo, stopping at the sites where his "apprentices" were working to assess how well they were doing it. He made no attempt to hide his identity. Anybody there at the time would have been aware by the size of the entourage that DT was "in town" and that filming was going on.

So why, when the camera panned round to the front of the limo was the number (or licence) plate pixelated out?

I could guess what it said...'TRUMP 1', or 'TRUMP 2' or.......'TRUMP 46'! But whatever the number I'm pretty sure it would have started with TRUMP!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Know how you fit into the bigger picture

When John Kennedy bumped into a caretaker at NASA and asked him what he did, the man replied "...'helping' to put a man on the moon".

That's a genuinely inspiring story.

And it raises the question: how many of us really understand the vision behind what we do in our working lives?

Incidentally, when the caretaker asked Kennedy what HE was doing there, Kennedy apologised and admitted he'd walked into the ladies toilet by mistake!

Now this story, which is so clearly true, also demonstrates how close (but never close enough) to greatness I have been at times.

It reminds me of when I was invited to attend an interview in London, for a job in Human Resources. The interview was to take place on the first floor of the HO building in London, and I arrived in good time.
As I reached the first floor I decided that I would visit the "restroom" (clearly because I wanted to have a rest!) to make myself comfortable before the interview. On entering the toilet I found an empty cubicle and sat down to....gather my thoughts.
However, as I sat there I heard the sound of a woman's shoes outside, at which point I realised that I was both in the wrong place and also at the wrong time.

To be seen wandering around the ladies toilets is not the best way to start a potential move into a Head Office job in HR!!

Had I been seen I'm not sure that simply telling the above story about Kennedy would have sufficed. Well, I was able to "escape" unseen, (or I think I was unseen!) attend the interview, get the job etc etc.

Now, how do we set about getting a man on Mars?